THAT BURNING QUESTION

Last Thursday I went to Sm to return the pants that didn’t fit me. First off I was lucky that it didn’t fit because now I have an excuse to exchange the pants into something that I really wanted in t he first place. TOYS! MARVEL TOYS!Unfortunately there wasn’t any GHOST RIDER OR THOR left and it’s just those sissy IRON man blue variants. YUCK! Ok! I’LL JUST GET ONE FOR THE SAKE OF COMPLETION. Then I got SELINA a CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Strangely shes always playing with my CAPTAIN AMERICA and kept banging up the blister pack. I assume she likes cap because she would often see me playing with it and singing

WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA THROWS HIS MIGHTY SHIELD! DUNDUHN!
WHOEVER GETS HIT ON THE HEAD MUST SURELY YIELD!!!!! DUNDUN!
THE RED AND THE WHITE AND THE BLUE AND THE RED AND THE BLUE
COMES TRUE… WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA THROWS HIS MIGHTY SHIELD!

She’d double up and laugh with glee and then smash the blister pack against the wall.

Sigh…

Now she can bang this up. Or we could even play with our two Captain Americas. She already dismembered my TETSUO DOLL. The one that cost 1,200. Cute tyke.

As I came into the compound. I saw smoke coming out from the bathroom window of our neighbor. A bunch of the other neighbors were looking and pointing on it.

Suddenly my heart leapt.

The other neighbors were just gawking and pointing at the smoke.

NEIGHBOR 1: “ You think I should knock and ask them what’s happening? “

FLIM: “ You better! “

He then walks up the door and knocks with the diminutive strength of a nerd who is picking up his date for the very first time.

FLIM: “THE FUCK! YOU KNOCK LIKE A GIRL! THEY WONT HEAR THAT!”

NEIGHBOR 2:” I DON’T WANT TO WAKE THEM UP OR ANYTHING…”

FLIM: “ MOVE ASIDE!LET A VETERAN DO THIS!”

I then slam three heavy ones!

FLIM: “Open up! There’s smoke in your bathroom!”

After a few seconds. I then pushed the windowsill opened and drew the curtains aside.

I saw the kettle pot engulfed with smoke. Its huge tail trailing upwards into the ceiling and into the second floor. Its head poking out from the bathroom window. The maid was sleeping on the couch with saliva trickling on her mouth.

FLIM: “WAKE UP YOU BITCH! YOU’RE BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN! “

She scratches her groin and continues to snore.

FLIM: “ GAGA! GUMISING KA! NASUSUNOG NA ANG BAHAY! “

She then flutters her eyelid like some ageing beauty queen and then looks around and starts screaming and yelling. She then runs to the pot and closes it. Moments later the other tenants come out coughing and sneezing. The maid looks at me balefully.

STUPID CUNT! Shed burn down everything because she was snoozing.Cecile comes out and then inquires as to what happened.

NEIGHBOR 2:” It was my kid who saw it first! If he didn’t see it then the fire would have spread.”

I just love people who suddenly spring forth to claim the victory laurel in a race they didn’t participate in.

FLIM: “ YEAH. YEAH YEAH! I’ll send you a coupon.”

I have been unlucky enough to witness 3 aborted would be fires. The second one was with my father’s own tenant block. He had a tenant who was cooking something and then left to go watch a movie.

FLASHBACK

Again there was black smoke coming from the doorway this time. When I saw it there was a couple of maids just looking at it and wondering what they should do.

MAID 1: “ Should we knock? “

FLIM: “ No time for that Just break the glass! “

MAID: “ But the tenants would get mad! “

FLIM: “ We own the building! JUST BREAK THE GLASS!”

MAID: “I don’t want to do that. Lets just wait for the owners to come.”

FLIM: “ Is that a real diamond? “

MAID looks at the ring on her finger.

MAID: “ Oh this…its

She offered her hand and I grabbed it and used both our hands to smash the glass thru.

MAID: “ HOY YOU TRICKED ME! “

I ran upstairs and found the rice pot. The rice contents burnt beyond recognition. But the room was already filled with smoke.

We closed the gas stove and let the bad air out.I sat down the street curb and waited for the tenants to arrive.

They came in an hour later.

FLIM: “ Where did you go? “

TENANT: “ we watched a movie. It was really funny.”

FLIM: “ THE REAL FUNNY THING IS THAT I DON’T LIGHT YOU UP AND POST YOU ON THE WALL! YOU STUPID CUNT! YOU NEARLY BURNT MY FATHER’S APARTMENTS! “

TENANT: “ Don’t talk to me like that…I…………wait….. I was cooking the rice right? “

She then ran up. She started screaming about the broken glass on the door. And who would pay for it. The maids looked at me and I just smiled and did funny circles on the head motions with my fingers.

The thing that really grabs me during instances like this is the inability of those present to think or even act fast. They gather around and then do small talk and wonder. They end up speculating as to what to do while precious minutes go by and the house eventually goes up in smoke.

And I wondered how humanity as a specie could survive this long with a mentality like that. Probably it’s a Filipino thing. You know bunching out into the streets to look and marvel, buying peanuts and drinks while out there.

The Americans would call up WILLIAM SHATNER.

THE JAPANESE would just run for their lives and scream, “ GOJIRA! “

The Indians would break down the door and sit inside while meditating.

My Uncle had an apartment building that went up in smoke a few years ago. It was a sad thing. He was raking it in with nine doors at 12,000 a pop. Then in just one night he lost everything. The culprit was again, A TENANT. But this time it wasn’t an overlooked rice pot or a water heater. THIS TIME IT WAS A KID.

This tenant was taking care of a kid that was his sisters from a MIDDLE EASTERN MAN. This kid was so naughty that he destroys everything that he gets his black skinned hands on. He destroyed my brother’s kid’s bicycle and our Christmas electric décor way back then.

He was a total pest.

So sometime in JUNE, I Guess. They locked him up in the house so that they can fetch their other kid.

This thing started playing with something electrical and then POOFF! Unfortunately I wasn’t there and so were any of us. Our entire clan went to Laguna to check the ancestral properties that were up for sale. They arrived when the apartments were already burning. I arrived when the smoke was being put out.

It’s a good thing we didn’t see the kid or we would have torn him to pieces.

In retrospect I don’t blame him. He was just fulfilling his genetic destiny. After all he is partly MIDDLE EASTERN. He might even be a sleeper agent. And MY UNCLES APARTMENT FIRE, An AL QUAIDA TEST RUN FOR BIGGER THINGS.

So my Tito Gie lost almost 80 percent of his apartments. And these were not just apartments. They were time capsules of the 60s.He made it in 62. He used some of the timbers that he got when he had to dismantle parts of the ancestral house where the apartments were erected. They were so well maintained that when visitors would come in they were wowed over the fact that it looked like a period piece studio.

DAMN THAT MIDDLE EASTERN BASTARD!

Two years later after the fire , Tito Gie erected three new apartments. He entrusted the construction to one of the relatives of his wife. He did a slip-shod job and instead of nice looking new ones he got tacky and badly designed shit holes. Nothing could replace the originals

DAMN DOUBLE DAMNED THAT LITTLE ARABIC SHITHEAD!

Now there’s this huge vacant lot of burned wood and broken down cement walls that we call THE DESOLATION OF PERSIA. Currently Im using it for filming. I guess one man’s misfortune is another man’s film set.

Christmas day was a real riot. If I only had two bodies then I could fulfill all the social functions that society dictates I attend. There’s the grand family reunion on Cecile’s side. Catered by this nice Spanish restaurant (I don’t know if it was MINGGOYS) courtesy of her aunt TITA ANNE and then there’s “OUR “ lunch thing .

My Mom was cooking her legendary KARE-KARE to be served and when she does everything stops! MY SOCIAL CALENDAR disintegrates and I just have to be there when it is served. It is so good that my brother who has tons and tons of overtime stuff lined up in IBM would drop everything and would zip home. My sister with her hectic sked of dissecting corpses would also lay down the scalpel and eagerly pick up a spoon full. There in lies the quandary.

Should I go for the full course meal of SPANISH cooked paella (which happens to be a favorite of mine) Smoked ham, broiled chicken and what have you for a single dish of KARE-KARE. The KARE-KARE MEISTER only cooks it once. Every Christmas day. Actually it was no contest at all. I took the motorcycle and before she can ring the lunch bell I was already seated with my gleaming plate.

FLIM: “ DAMNT IT SERVE THE BEAST HERE NOW! “

I was told to wait for my brother.

FLIM: “ WAIT? WAITING’S FOR SISSIES! THE STRONGEST SURVIVES! He gets the left overs!”

But no one can dispute the KARE-KARE MEISTER when she’s wielding a mean ladle.

So I waited.After thirty minutes I started grumbling.

FLIM: “ I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE AFTER THIS. CECILE’S FAMILY HAS A REUNION AND… I CHOOSE TO EAT LUNCH HERE BECAUSE THIS MEAL IS ONLY COOKED ONCE every YEAR LIKES SOME PAGAN RITUAL! AND IT’S SO DAMN GOOD!”

My other brother agreed and without waiting for consent we started dipping into the giant serving plate.

I wont go into details about how it tasted. Suffice to say that it was well worth the wait the aggravation that followed ,when I was about to go back to the cave and then there was this terrible rainstorm that appeared and fully drenched me and the newly cleaned bike right down to the last steel plate.But back to the kare-kare

The best part of eating with my family is the way small conversations turn into nuclear detonations ending into cataclysmic arguments of Herculean proportions.I can’t even say that we are your typical Filipino family because from my perspective we are more ITALIAN by nature.

Picture the scene in GOODFELLAS when Joe pesci was just shooting the breeze with a couple of his crews and then this guy suddenly tells him that he is funny and PESCI retorts with a smile.

PESCI: “ YOU THINK IM FUNNY?
(Still smiling.)

PESCI: “ As in I AMUSE YOU? IM FUNNY!!!! “

Starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

At least he had this moment of transition.

In my family. There’s a lightning shift from pleasant laughter to off the wall anger. Well not most of the time but it does occur. And then from anger we go back to laughing about the entire thing.

We talked about the Christmas party we had with the larger family tree the night before and my brother was wondering where the sumptuous skin of the lechon went. As any full-blooded Filipino knows the best part about roasted pig is the crispy and delicious skin. At the party one of my cousins gallantly donated an entire suckling.

Now the strange part is that when it was served ,someone had already fieldstripped the lechon. Thus denying the attendants of the best part of the lechon.

The following is a transcript of the reactions of the partygoers.

COUSIN BUD: “WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK WOULD DO THIS?”

COUSIN BOY: “ This is really repulsive! “

FLIM: “ Quiet the host is coming.”

COUSIN BUD: “ I have a sneaking suspicion that it was he who stole the pig skin.”

FLIM: “ Hmm you could be right.”

COUSIN BOY: “ I saw him. He was the only one, ALONE WITH THE PIG for an
ENTIRE HOUR and he was chopping things off.”

FLIM: “ So he was the only guy with a cleaver inside the kitchen. Guess that’s the smoking cleaver all right.”

COUSIN BUD: “ well might as well eat the lechon skinless and all.”

FLIM: “ I don’t know about that. I don’t eat lechon without the skin. It’s like eating some else’s left over.”

COUSIN BUD: “ But you do eat lechon at Lydia’s LECHON RIGHT? “

FLIM: “ YES BUT THEY STILL HAVE THE SKIN ON IT. Not like this! “

COUSIN BUD: “ Thinking about it it does look gross don’t you think? “

We all stared at the lechon. Looked like a skinned cat. Then the host comes in with a shot glass of bourbon.

HOST: “ Lets eat.”

He then exited into the front porch.

COUSIN BUD: “ Yeah. He must have gobbled up the entire thing.”

COUSIN BOY: “ No. I think he’s saving it for HIS family reunion tomorrow. That’s why he was chopping off a large part of the lechon. ”

FLIM: “ Look! It’s not that bad. Cecile and me attended a party on her relative’s side and the Hostess was WORST! SHE SERVED CRABS WITHOUT ANY MEAT ON IT AND the showstopper occurred when CECILE wanted to eat the Crabs claws and they were conspicuously missing. Now our table is directly in front of the kitchen. And she saw dozens of claws on the plate and she asked me to get some for her. So I approached the table.As I inquired about the claw,the maid said that it wasn’t for us. The Hostess commanded them to serve it only to her FAMILY!!!!! And when her family arrived the maids whisked the claws to their table. Cecile and her sister fumed at this. Cecile surmised that the Hostess saved the best parts of the crab for her family and served the crap to all the relative-guests. But you don’t have to show it in full view of everyone. ”

COUSIN BOY: “ That is so totally CRASS!”

FLIM: “ I felt bad for her. She really had her heart set on that claw. It wouldn’t be so bad if the rest of the food that was served was good. But it was totally tasteless. At least here in this party its potluck. Bud your mother donated her exquisite RUSSIAN salad AND MY sister donated her grilled pork chops and what he hell. Lets just skip the lechon.”

BACK TO THE PRESENT.

BROTHER HERMIE: “ It doesn’t really matter if the hosts didn’t served the pig s skin. The lechon was still good.”

FLIM: “ I don’t know…. I still don’t like eating meat that was skin stripped by somebody else. Like the food was already tainted. VIOLATED by unseen hands that reeked of hidden agendas and malice.”

ANTON: “ Can I have your share of the broth.”?

FLIM: “ NO! KEEP YOU’RE FILTHY PAWS OFF MY KARE-KARE YOU DAMN DIRTY APE.!”

Arrived at the cave at around 12. I was full and totally docile. When Cecile rushed in and tells me that her Sister was picking her up for her family Christmas lunch. So I accompanied her and Selina to her Grandmother’s estate.

As always Tita ANN knew how to throw a party. The woman has style no doubt about that. There was authentic PAELLA (which happens to be a favorite of mine.) There was smoked salmon and steamed chicken ala …I DON’T KNOW. And a host of other beauties on a plate.

Sadly I cannot eat any of those because I was still stuffed. So I just mingled and chatted with Cecile’s cousins. Then the gift giving started. And Tita Ann true to form gave the most amazing gifts. She gave Cecile’s nephew a C3PO GIFT BOX with the Action figure and the book. She gave me a TERMINATOR GIFT SET Edition signed by ARNOLD AND JAMES CAMERON with 3D HOLOGRAM CARD on a SLIP CASE cover.She gave Cecile’s dad a 12 DVD gift pack of the STAR TREK SPECIAL EDITION movies.

Later on Cecile’s Dad would give her the DVD gift pack because he wasn’t a STAR TREK FAN. Her dad is something else too. Totally generous and an adept of CINE-PHILE.Totally cool. I remember a time when we were at her dads place.AndI heard him coughing.

CECILE’S DAD:
"Amen to that sweete power,I cannot speake enough of this content,
It stops me heere, it is too much of ioy,And this, and this, the greatest discord be,
That ere our hearts shall make."

CECILE: What’s That? “

CECILE’S DAD:

” I have a cold and this is the prefect time for me to speak like OTHELLO. Come, let vs to the Castle.Newes friends, our warres are done, the Turks are drownd How doe our old acquaintance of the Isle.Honny, you shall be well desir'd in CypresI haue found great loue amongst them O my sweete,I prattle out of fashion, and I dote,”

His voice diminishing in the background.

He used to be a Shakespearn actor before he became a businessman. Up to now I still can’t get him to act in my movies.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

I got gifts from everyone except CECILE’S GRANDMOTHER. All in all it was a very interesting meet. We then hoped in on TITA Grace’s car for Dinner at Cecile’s Mother’s

Stopped by the ICE CREAM JOINT IN GREEN HILLS the one beside the movie theater to get some PISTACHIO

FLIM: “ One gallon of Pistachio please and two pints of the same flavor.”

RUBY (Cecile’s cousin): Why are we having the same flavor as the main gallon?”

FLIM: “ So after the mad rush for the ice cream has subsided we would have these two beauties in reserve to assure us that we have ice creams to look forward to.”

ATTENDANT: “ Sorry sir but for one thousand we can only fill half a pint.”

FLIM: “ Come on its Christmas. The time of giving. Can’t you put in a few more scoops for holiday’s sake.”?

ATTENDANT seems hesitant.

FLIM: “ Come on please. I wont tell people that you keep your pet cockroach on the
Ice cream viewing glass plate.”

The Attendants eyes widens in horror as he sees the aforementioned cockroach making its way up the pane. He quickly grabs the roach with one sweep of his rug and its existence is ....but a memory.

FLIM: “ So where were we?”

ATTENDANT: “ Two pints coming up sir.”

I just love the holidays.

Cecile’s Mother is another woman with style. Her parties are small in attendance but the guests are carefully chosen to guarantee a night of nice conversations and relaxed dining.But the food….

Her specialty is KALDERETA!. Its sauce is so thick with lamb juices and Spanish sausages marinated with olive oil and chopped olives that you can expect your spoon to stand on it.

Bernie was there. A family friend. He’s big brawny guy and a survivalist. Another fun guy. He claims that he’s an expert in every martial arts imagined by man. And he also has this uncanny ability of talking about something and then shifting topics without any segue whatsoever.

BERNIE: “ I do fairly low reps but heavy weights. I always go for maximum regularity. I bench press 300 pounds for warm ups. Never lift heavy weights without warming up. I don’t believe in COMBAT style shooting. Most of the time you get shot from behind by his wingmen. I had a fight with a colonel once He was aiming the gun on my head just a few inches from my temple. I COULD HAVE DISARMED HIM with my SIDE TWIST parry. BUT I elected to make peace first. And then we needed up having a drink and then a guy from behind me sat down with us. Turns out that he had an armalite pointed at my back if I fought the colonel I would have been shot. But as I tell my students if you were given a choice to fight or run. Then its better to run. Despite the incredible martial arts training I give them I always teach them to run. ”

FLIM: “ What if they shoot you from behind. What happened to all that martial arts training you gave them?”

BERNIE: “ Can you please pass the salad…”?

That night I opened Cecile’s dad’s present for me and it was a two pairs of pants and a shirt. The pants didn’t fit.

FLIM: “ I USED TO BE 34…NOW IT DON’T FIT! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!”

LAST SATURDAY was pretty hectic. I had two parties to attend. One was with Cecile’s MOM and the second was the QUESTMAS PARTY. We went to NEW MANILA around 6 and there were a lot of people milling about ion CECILE’S MOTHER’S spacious grounds.

I brought the DIGITAL CAM my assortment of lens attachment and a shotgun mic. I wanted to shoot something for the holidays and was planning to do a DOGMA style shoot involving VINNIE and CO.

As I placed the equipment underneath a large table I bumped into TITO HENRI FRANCIA. Who happened to belong to the first generation of INDEPENDENT FILMMAKERS. I asked him about the script he sold OLIVER STONE concerning THE BALANGEGE MASSACRE (I hope I spelled it correctly.) He said that it was in DEVELOPMENT HELL (meaning it’s on hold.) but that he was paid by OLIVER so he doesn’t care if it doesn’t pan or anything. He is currently doing a screenplay about the life and times of JUAN LUNA, which is pretty cool.

He then tells me that his concept was to make pictures here in the Philippines with the whole world as its target market. But I guess that’s what every filmmaker has in mind. Who wants to make movies for the public here, they can’t even elect a good president so that says a lot about their taste buds!

He then asks me if I ever got involved with a development hell project so I told him about the COMFORT WOMAN fiasco that I was involved in. How I spent 6 months doing prep work and developing the script and then after a series of aesthetic debacles the producer and me ended up splitting ways but I didn’t get paid a cent.

Despite the fact I came up with the genesis of the project and I wrote the script. He asked if I had proof that I wrote the script. Well I wrote it and mailed it to myself, which happened to be the most primitive but effective form of copyright.

He said that I should sue. HMMMM now this bears much thinking.

Then a few minutes after that I was introduced to this guy who had a striking resemblance to CHARLTON HESTON. DAMN! Must file him for future use.

AS always Cecile’s mother really knows how to throw a party. The food was simply mouth watering and the courses were too many to innumerate. I had a grand time drinking four glasses of wine and three beers.

Then it was off for THE QUESTMAS party in green hills. Had to past by a sari-sari store for some ice cream. Was cooking SPAGETTO but the domestics did a great job of domesticating a perfectly good sauce. (More on that in the future.)

Arrived at the building and was there first. Vinnie and the others camein a few minutes later. They all started eating when Dean and Gig arrived. They had the latest booster pack of CRANIUM and I was looking forward to a good game once the others arrived.

After dinner and a couple of smokes I told the group that I wanted to shoot a small improv movie. They gamely agreed. So the premise was that there was this package that was being delivered to Dean and that Carl was to be the delivery boy. Motivations were up to the individual actors on where they plan to take it.

Since I was just using a single cam set up I did a lot of pan and zooms to capture the performances I didn’t want to do a lot of cuts because I didn’t want the momentum that they were building up to be disrupted. I only cut twice. One to instruct Carl to grab a chair while they were having their argument and to sit on it and the second was to do insert shoots.

After that we viewed the rushes and played some mind games. Then we had an interesting film critique segment, which illustrated how diverse our filmic taste was. Too bad I already ate and was still full when the food was served .They had crispy pata from PATA QUEEN. I used to order that when we lived in NEW MANILA. But sigh…

Went home at around 4 and before sleeping my mind raced with ideas on how to complete WASTED THE MOVIE without the main actor who’s too busy getting married. The ideas that came up were pretty interesting. Pretty interesting indeed!

MARVELS

The events that trasnspired below happened last thursday.

Yesterday I just got to the gym and was about to do a massive workout on my chest when I received a Tex from UNLEASH which says,

“THOR, STEALTH IRON MAN, THING WITH COAT, GHOST RIDER AND CAPTAIN AMERICA! “

FUCK! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

So I text back.

UNLEASH: “ THE TOYS HAVE ARRIVED. GO TO…”

Just when I have given up all hope. Just when I thought I was out, CAPTAIN AMERICA
DRAGS ME BACK IN!!!!

I immediately went to the phone and called TOY KINGDOM.

SALESLADY: “ Sorry sir…there’s a riot in here and I can’t stay on the phone.”

FLIM: “ Do you have a CAPTAIN AMERICA MARVEL LEGENDS series 1 in stock? “

SALESLADY: “ Yes sir! “

FLIM: “ Can you reserve one for me? “

SALESLADY: “ Sorry sir but I can’t make reservations. There’s already a riot here about MARVEL LEGENDS 3!”

FLIM: “ WHAT? “

SALESLADY: “ If you want the CAPTAIN AMERICA you have to get it now! I cannot assure you that you will get one by tomorrow.”

FLIM: “ ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! “

I put phone down and walked back to the bench and lifted the bar.

I’m not going all the way there just to get a measly piece of plastic. I’ll go there on my own good time. If its there then its there but if its not then…some other time.

FLIM:” ARGHHHHHHHHHH…. ONE! (pant!pant!Pant!)…TWO! ( pant! Pant! Pant! )

Its not like I can’t wait. I mean the last time…

FLIM: “ THREE! ( pant!pant!pant! )

...I saw it, there were dozens all over the city….

FLIM: “ FOUR! ( pant!pant! pant! )

Then it suddenly disappear! Only to reappear for 1700 pesos in ROBINSON’S GALLERIA.

FLIM: “FFFFFFFF….IIIIII…V V V V…EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!( pant!pant!pant! )

I'm not going! NO WAY! I HAVE TO WORKOUT! I already missed four days and I wont slacken up! NOT FOR ANY TOY!

.....DISAPPEARED! ONLY TO REAPPEAR FOR 1,700.

Four more days of no workout would give me a couple of BITCH TITS! And I HATE BITCH TITS! I have to do my chest!

...DISAPPEARED!

I HAVE TO…

...REAPPEARED FOR 1,700.

To hell with the chest!

I was off and running. I didn’t even change my workout attire. Perspiring and sweaty I ordered the driver to get us to TOY KINGDOM.

Along the way I was getting more updates from UNLEASH

UNLEASH: “ THERE’S NO MORE THOR AND GHOST RIDER… THE THING IS DISAPPEARING and so is THE STEALTH ARMOUR OF TONY STARK.”

FUCK THE ARMOUR WHAT ABOUT CAPTAIN AMERICA?

No reply. AW NO! Im not going all the way there to end up with my callous hands holding crap.

True to form the driver has this uncanny ability to attract traffic in whatever route he chooses. He is like a spawning salmon always going where the rabble is.Reached Mega mall forty-five minutes later and I sprinted like hell to TOY KINGDOM

The guard told me to open the bag but he was just harassing air…I was long gone and into the store.

And behold.

An entire rack filled with CAPTAIN AMERICA!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

CAPTAIN AMERICA here … CAPTAIN AMERICA there! CAPTAIN AMERICA EVERYWHERE!

The return of the RED AND THE WHITE AND THE BLUE COMES TRUE!

I WADED THRU THEM LIKE a Wolf among sheep.

Maybe I should only get one…Hell I 'll get 2. DARN How about ten?

Suddenly I became a glutton. Must be the result of months of CAPTAIN AMERICA DEPRAVATION! I went to the nearest saleslady.

FLIM: “ So where’s MIGHTY THOR and GHOST RIDER and THING in a trench coat and IRON MAN STEALTH ARMOUR? “

SALESLADY: “ Ayyyy…out of stock na. There was abig riot here. People were rushing and getting and rushing and getting. They were shoving and pushing and shoving and pushing! “

FLIM: “ Yeah I get the picture.”

Then UNLEASH TEXED ME.

UNLEASH: “ THERE’S A LOT OF THOR AND GHOST RIDER STILL AROUND. BUT THE SUPERVISOR IS HOARDING IT FOR HIS SPECIAL COSTUMERS.”

DAMN BLOODY BASTARD!

I went to the Supervisor.

FLIM: “ I want My THOR and GHOST RIDER, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!! “

SUPERVISOR: “ Sir…there’s no more. Come back tomorrow we might have it.”

FLIM: “ THAT Doesn’t CUT THE MUSTARD, MISTER! MIGHT? MIGHT? You mean Im going to be traveling back here thru that horrendous traffic and then I MIGHT GET A THOR AND GHOST RIDER? MIGHT? MIGHT?”

Supervisor scratches his head.

No matter how powerful one is with the VOICE if he faces a complete vegetable with a name tag one still couldn’t make a dent.
Not wanting to waste my life energy on a useless twath like him. I just bought two CAPTAIN America’s and one wolverine and got the hell out of there.

Inside the car I examined the three action figures I got. Was quite happy with WOLVERINE. But CAPTAIN AMERICA.

FLIM: “ Finally we meet. I have hounded you round and round the ANTARES MAELSTROM and thru perdition’s flame and now…NOW I HAVE YOU! ON SECOND THOUGHT you don’t look so tough after all.”

Fifteen minutes on the ride home.

FLIM: “ Darn. Now you’re just one of the toys I have at the house.”

Its true! The Captain America action figure suddenly lost its mythical stature in my eyes.This thing that burnt me thru countless weeks and made me travel on, foot, bus, motorcycle and car all over the metropolis by its sheer absence now becomes quaint
by being present and handy. It’s no longer THE HOLY GRAIL Or the SACRED TANNA LEAVES. It is now just another carded plastic thing to be added on the second shelf to the right.

There are two of them. Not to mention dozens and dozens on the toy shelf.

I stared out the car window and my mind began to drift on two things.

MIGHTY THOR and THE GHOST RIDER.

The MIGHTY THOR was a perennial favorite. I loved the comic books when I was a kid. That was my introduction to the archaic old English language. When I wanted to pissed my teachers off I’d let loose with.

“ Miss. Might I ask thou leave to travel forth from thine room and enter the chambers of URINE and STOOL and relieve myself of my quenched thirsts unholy progeny.”

There was no question that I should have one. I wanted one when I first saw the photos in the Internet.

And THE GHOST RIDER.

YEAH! One of the coolest things a kid could ever want when he’s growing up in the late seventies. A FLAMING SKULL WHO RIDES COOL CHOPPERS!I even imagined myself as JOHNNY BLAZE when I was pedaling like mad with my vintage easy rider.

A MUST HAVE!

I reached Cecile’s office and began making phone calls to the other toyshops that I think might carry them
FLIM: “ Hello? Baboon’s TOY SHOP? Yeah it’s me…YEAH YEAH YEAH…. I know. I will get it next week. Do you have the THOR and GHOST RIDER MARVEL LEGENDS? WHAT? I HAVE TO GET THE ENTIRE LINE? BUT THAT DAREDEVIL FIGURE LOOKS LIKE CRAP? NOT TO MENTION THAT IT HAS THE LIKENESS OF BEN AFFLECK AND NO WAY WILL I BRING BEN AFFLECK HOME AND PUT HIM ON A SHELF. IS THERE NO WAY TO… HELLO? ”

What did I expect from a toyshop named after an ape? So I dialed another toyshop.

It seems that the hottest action figures in the latest batch is MIGHTY THOR and THE GHOST RIDER because they only come in at one in a box while WOLVERINE and the others are two in a box. Hmm a worthy challenge for my superior BULLYING POWERS.

I dialed another toyshop.

FLIM: “ Yes I want the…. Oh it’s a set again? I see. But If I do get it can I exchange the DAREDEVIL figure with a.a…CAPTAIN AMERICA? Yes cause. I don’t like…Oh..Everyone doesn’t like BEN AFFLECK too I guess. Ok.Ok.”

Now it was settled I will get MIGHTY THOR AND THE GHOST RIDER but I have to buy WOLVERINE (again) THING in a COAT (which is pretty cool too) and a CAPTAIN AMERICA (No! Not him again! )

Now I don’t want 3 CAPTAIN AMERICA’S I only want 2. So I made phone call to toy kingdom.

FLIM: “ GIVE ME THE SUPERVISOR please!”

Several minutes of finger tapping silence.

SUPERVISOR: “ Yes can I help you? “

FLIM: “Ok I want to return my CAPTAIN AMERICA? What’s the problem? Well the problem is I wanted to buy THOR and GHOST RIDER in your store but you didn’t sell it to me and…Yes That’s what you told me that it sold out but I know that you hoarded it there somewhere. Probably to sell to your friends or your known costumers my guess is as good as any ,anyway, someone is selling me the Thor and ghost rider and for me to get them I have to get another CAPTAIN AMERICA so there.”

SUPERVISOR: “ I see. Please come back tomorrow at 10 am. And I’ll ee what I can do.”

FLIM: “ Im not coming all the way there AGAIN and not getting anything.”

SUPERVISOR: “ Yes sir I promise that I will get you one.”

FLIM: “ What’s your name?”

He gives me his name.

Arrived home at 8 pm and I placed the three prizes on the shelf and discovered that the 2nd CAPTAIN AMERICA was slightly opened. NO CHOICE THEN I HAVE TO RETURN IT.

I planned the following days itinerary. Will go to the gym at 6 in the morning and then jump into the bus at 8 and head straight to MEGA MALL. Isn’t it great now I have to come back and then use the public transportation system? Because it’s carless day tomorrow and I Cant use the bike because I don’t want to backpack the figures. The blister packs might get crumpled!Today I come home with 3 figures in a car! Tomorrow I might haul more and I dont have a car...GEEEE

. Around ten I viewed the dallies for the FUCKBOY ANIMATION that I'm working on.WASTED THE MOVIE is on hold while the actor gets married.Wonder when he's coming back in one piece.So for the momment FUCKBOY! I was so happy with the way the DARK SHADOWY SELF STAR SHIP Crashes on the THURD PLANET that I began working on the interior’s and the battle scene. And before I realized it. It was already 4 in the morning.

CRIPES! I won’t wake up for the 6A.M. work out. So I jacked up the alarm clock and got some shuteye.

Woke up at 8:00. DAMN IT! The alarm clock didn’t work!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Rushed to the john and then got all suited up. Was checking some email and stumbled on Jason’s messages. I texted him if I can catch a ride to ORTIGAS. He said that he was taking a cab and then we can meet up somewhere. So I stuffed my bag with the gym clothes and took a couple of bananas.

The plan now was to stake out TOY KINGDOM and then after hauling the toys go to the gym workout and then go home but not before eating banana on the bus on the way to the gym. THAT WILL BE MY LUNCH!

Met JASON at the MCDONALDS intersection branch and we were on the way. Inside the cab. Jason asked what I was going to do in MEGA MALL.

FLIM: “ Buy THE MIGHTY THOR and GHOST RIDER ACTION FIGURES. It’s a very hot toy and when it sells out which is guaranteed in a couple of hours then you can sell it for a much higher price.”

JASON: “ Does the ghost rider come with a motorcycle.”?

FLIM: “ No. It comes with A FLAME CYCLE.”

JASON: “ I WANT TO GET SOME! Can I just withdraw money and then meet you in the KINGDOM and then get me those.”

FLIM: “ Sure.”

Along the route, traffic started to build up again.

I then went on my monologue about how traffic is caused by the presence of a lot of people and that we need more wars so that the population would be lessened and then zero traffic and zero cars and that the bloodless revolution in edsa would have been more successful if there were a lot of people killed and there was blood so that our independence would be treasured by the people and then there would be less traffic on the street and we’d still come up on tops!

Both Jason and the traffic driver agreed.

Then we hit mega mall and I hit the ground running. I ran past the check bag counter because the guards already know me. Ran to the other side of the mall. Huffing and puffing I saw visions of what happened yesterday. Fingers clutching at toys while punching and scratching other hands. General melee and total chaos.

What might I see today? I imagined hundreds of collectors waiting at the counter like marathon runners prior to the gunshot. Their faces etched with grim determination. Their hands clutching cutting implements to open the boxes themselves and probably to cut each other up. This is is going to be a battle of the fittest.

The strong shall walk away.

I was already late. Store opens at 9 and it was 9 fifteen. I’m going to end up at the lowest level of the pecking order of a marauding toy maniac swarm that obliterates everything in its way. I’d end up with the leftovers. I searched my bag for any cutting implement or anything to protect myself with.

Nothing sharp except the bananas. Well I can always trade them with something.

Rushed past the guard guarding the entrance of the toy kingdom.

GUARD: “ SIR! YOU MUST CHECK IN YOUR BAG! “

I was running too fast to simply stop.

Flim: “ Oh yes on the way out! “

AS I rounded the corner I was shocked with what I saw.

I was the only one there.Except for two attendants.

ATTENDANT: “ What do you want sir? “

FLIM: “ THOR…( pant!pant!pant) GHOST RIDER! ( pant!pant!pant! )

ATTENDANT: “ Oh we have them sir. We have 130 boxes. And you’re the first to arrive. Yesterday was simply terrible.”

Shakes his head as he remembers the grim tragedy.

FLIM: “ Where are the boxes? IS there any time we have to wait before they open it? “

ATTENDANT: “ Don’t worry sir. You’re the first and you have the choice. The boxes are now here and we’ll open them up I’ll just get the other boxes but feel free to open them.”

He left. And I was alone with the boxes.

I touched one, lightly with my fingers. In it is the prize. This is my moment. Me and fifteen boxes of MARVEL LEGENDS. Each one had a THOR and a GHOST RIDER.

This was the silence before the storm. Soon the hoard will come in and they will be pillaging but just this once, they will eat my LEFTOVERS! ME, THE FLIM!

I opened the box with my bare hands.

And came face to face with THOR.

FLIM: “ AND SO WE MEET THUNDER GOD! SON OF ASGARD, BALDUR’S FRIEND..YE SHALL DWELL IN MY ABODE BEYOND THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. WE SHALL DRINK BOARS MEAD ON STORMY NIGHTS.HEHEHEHE.”

The attendant came in.

ATTENDANT: “ Sir Well bring you a push cart so you can put those in.”

A pushcart for toys. Oh yes. A sign of power! No gripping and clutching shamelessly like the rest of the plebeians but a cart. A ROYAL CART to haul in the forbidden treasures of the temple of JERUSALEM. Yes a cart indeed!

FLIM: “ One cart please.”

I drew forth my hand and from the brown box blackness retrieved another treasure.

FLIM: “ GHOST RIDER! SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE. I became a biker because of you. Now YOU ARE MINE! HEHEHEHEHE!”

Then there was THE THING in an overcoat and with a hat and glasses.

I was prepared to take three.content but then there was still several boxes and….

FLIM: “ TO HELL WITH PRINCIPLES! IM GOING TO GET AS MANY AS I WANT!I

started opening and tearing and opening and tearing… until everything became a blinding symphony of brown masking tape and torn cardboard on the shop floor.

MORE! GIVE ME MORE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Its funny how your self-drawn morale boundaries get moved inch by inch until finally you are on the side, which you totally detest. I am now officially a HOARDER. A STEALER OF TOYS FROM YOUNG CHILDREN WHO CANNOT BUY IT IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL HANDICAPS. I HAVE BECOME WHAT I LOATHED BUT I LOVE IT AND I DON’T LOATHE MYSELF THAT MUCH BECAUSE…HEY IT’S ME.

I filled the cart with two of each. And unlike Noah I was very discriminating. A dent on the bubble here and they were ejected. I then texted Jason and said that the toys were plenty at this stage but as the hours progress more and more collectors would be drawn to the smell of fresh blood.

JASON texd back and send that he was coming with money.

The first of the hyenas arrived. He was a tall man clad in barong Tagalog. Form my estimate he took leave of his dreary job to come and get his choice meat but unlucky for him, I MADE THE KILL and he WILL BE EATING MY LEFT OVERS!

He began circling around me. Trying to size me up. So I flexed my PECTORALIS, MAJOR and he seemed threatened and backed down.

When I retrieved my second Thor he couldn’t help himself and so came in close.

HYENA: “ IS there more of THOR? “

FLIM: “ There are other boxes there go ahead.”

After asking my permission, which is the proper thing to do, he then nodded which is a sign of a salute and then started ripping into the boxes. He lacked the style and the grace of making an elegant kill but what do you expect he came in late so he ‘s not as lethal a predator as yours truly.

Imagine my surprise when a pregnant she wolf came from behind me and began sniffing at my boxes.

FLIM: “ I gave her a look and a shake of the head.

She backed down and then joined her husband.

SO THEY TRAVEL IN PAIRS.

Their style of hunting is fascinating and would watch it with keen interest.

Jason then arrives and gives me the money. He then proceeds to go thru the already opened boxes and then got two of each.

JASON: “ WHAT’S HOTTER ghost rider OR Thor?

FLIM: “ GHOST RIDER by this reckoning.”

JASON: “ Ok I’ll get two of each and three ghost riders! “

He then stuffed his toys in a box and then asked me if its ok if he just gave me the money to pay for it because he was on a rush. Id just leave it at comic quest.

So there I was with a shopping cart and a big box of toy underneath it. I finished my scan after ten boxes. After all I am not greedy and in the final total, after I got thru that europhic sense of being the first one, Realized that I didn’t hoard at all but was just guilty of getting an extra one for each. Except for GHOST RIDER I got three.

Feeling thoroughly satisfied I just hanged around to catch my breath and gather enough energy to haul my loot for the long way to the gym.

Then CHOLS came waltzing in. He looked at my loot and he looked at the box underneath my cart and shook his head. Making “ TSK, TSK,TSK! “ noises.

FLIM: “ This aint mine, its for a friend.”

CHOLS: “ Yes of course.”

He then proceeded to get three of each and once he was finished he dumped everything on the cart.

I looked at him.

FLIM: “ TSK!TSK!TSK! “

CHOLS: “ This isn’t mine its for…a friend.

FLIM: " BUT OF COURSE!

FLIM: “ Lots of DR DOOM around eh.”

CHOLS: “ Yep.”

FLIM: “ You know I actually traded one of my HULKS for a DR.DOOM because I was that desperate. Couldn’t find one in months. So I just traded it with someone else’s DR.DOOM.”

CHOLS: “Those are the breaks.”

FLIM: “ Yeah.Now there’s hundreds with comic books and I got the one with the poster instead.”

Chols eyes widened.

CHOLS: “ YOU GOT THE POSTER VARIANT? “

I nodded.

CHOLS: “ THAT’S THE HARD TO FIND VERSION! THE COMIC BOOK EDITION IS ALL OVER THE WORLD. BUT THE POSTER VARIANT WAS ONLY RELEASED IN ASIA. YOU GOT THE BETTER DEAL.”

FLIM: “ I did.”

CHOLS: “ the guy must be beating his head against the wall. There are still new hulks coming in but the DR DOOM POSTER VARIANt.Sheez that’s around 800 hundred bucks.”

Suddenly I began to feel better. Hmmm I’ m getting the hang of this.

The HYENA comes in and draws CHOLS aside.

HYENA: “ Look at this THOR is bald. They were not able to paint that small inch before the helmet. YUCK! “

FLIM: “ I think that’s manic obsessive behavior.”

Hyena just looked at me and smiled and then continued to examine the toy on closer scrutiny!

By this time I noticed his shopping cart overflowing
I noticed that his shopping cart was overflowing. THIS GUY IS BUYING A LOT.Im impressed.

I told chols that I was going to go shopping for a while and we say our goodbyes. I wandered to some other part of TOY KINGDOM and decided to go shop for a toy for SELINA.After an hour I strayed back to the MARVEL LEGENDS SECTION and was shocked to see this…

Girl with a cell phone in hand.

GIRL: “ Give me fifteen THORS and FIFTEEN GHOST RIDERS and this…and that.”

Four giant boxes were prepped. Several collectors were milling about and watching her.

I hadn’t noticed that HYENA was by my side and pushing his cart filled with dozens of THORS and GHOST RIDERS

HYENA: “ That woman has no shame. She’s hoarding everything.”

I just looked at him.

Then off she went. I don’t really know if she was going to sell it in her store but most probably she was under strict instructions to do so. A BOYFRIEND, A HUSBAND, A LOVER, A SYNDICATE LORD?.

On the way out I saw HYENA bitching to an attendant to open the remaining boxes for MORE THORS.

FLIM: “ But you’re cart is fully packed. How can you buy all of that? “

HYENA: “ Im not buying all of it. Im just going to pick two of each.”

I was amazed at his logic. There were a handful of buyers looking for THOR and they can’t find one and there’s this guy who has dozens in his cart and he’s not even planning to buy them all. WHAT THE FUCK!

I decided to give that prick something to gnaw over.

FLIM: “ Oh by the way you better shake the THOR’S because the shin guards come off easy. Who knows you might get one of the loose ones. Well you can pass it off as a variant.”

I left him shaking a THOR vigorously. It is safe to assume that he will be doing it for the rest of the day,

That night I placed the toys on the shelf and sat on my easy chair. I examined THOR and the Ghost rider closely. At least I was able to get them immediately. They didn’t haunt me for months and they didn’t become DREAM ICONS to pine for during sleepless nights.

The next day I accompanied CECILE to MEGA MALL. I told myself that I would never go back to TOY KINGDOM. I mean two days in a row was too much but….

So there I was. Back at the scene of the disaster. I don’t know if I came back for more THORS or if I just wanted to see how many were still left. I bumped into the attendant who helped me the other day and when our conversation went back to the HYENA, The guy with the pregnant wife. He had a mouthful to say.

ATTENDANT: “ Oh yes that guy. He just hoarded all the toys and didn’t do anything. He was here from the morning till the late evenings. And do you know what? When someone’s looking for a THOR or a GHOST RIDER He would offer one from his cart and ask them for 100 pesos for the right to buy them.”

FLIM: “ On top of the 349 sticker price.?”

ATTENDANT: “ Yes! And when the customers don’t comply He would lower it down to 50 pesos and then down to 20 pesos.”

FLIM: “ Why didn’t management do anything about it?”

ATTENDANT: “ We didn’t catch him.”

FLIM: “ At least the girl who bought all those boxes had the decency to pay for her’s “

ATTENDANT: “ We’ll try to ban him next time.”

I then walked away thinking that I wasn’t so bad after all at least I only got two of each. Then when I looked at the other figures, what do I see? Another THOR poking from behind DR.DOOM.

Ah what the hell.

When I got back home and logged in on one of the local toy sites. HYENA was under heavy attack for what he pulled off yesterday. There was even a story about how he went to a toy convention a few months back and hauled off 5,ooo pesos worth of STAR WARS TOYS and when his little son came up to him and asked him to buy the tyke a happy meal figure, HYENA snaps back with” I DON’T HAVE MONEY ANYMORE.”

GEEZZZZ I DON’T THINK THIS GUY WAS EVER BORN. I BELIEVED HE WAS HATCHED!

Our maid was shocked when I asked her to chop up some garlic and onions.

MAID: " But Sir..our food for today is NILAGANG BAKA ( BEEF BROTH). YOU CANT USE THAT AS SAWSAWAN( Dips)

FLIM: " JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."

After she did it. I took the garlic and fryed them on some oil. Then I added the onions. Once the nice aroma floated over my nostrils I then opened some tomato paste and poured the contents on it and poured some olive oil and some italian seasoning. Then i took some of the beef and fried it and added some water and dash of salt.

And presto I made PUTCHERO.

The reason for her confusion is that I didnt tell her to make PUTCHERO. I told her to make NILAGANG BAKA ( beef stew) But i had PUTCHERO in mind all along.

When I asked her to do putchero she cooked it differently.She didnt stew it and she went directly to frying the beef. AND IT TASTED AWFULLY BAD! PUTCHERO is a dish that was designed to be created from left overs of the BEEF STEW.NOT MADE ALL AND BY ITSELF!

Once I put it on my plate. It smelled and tasted so good!

CECILE:" WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ASK HER TO DO PUTCHERO INSTEAD? "

FLIM: " She wont do it in the proper way. I ASKED HER TO DO IT TWICE AND SHE SCREWED IT UP EVERY SINGLE TIME! "
The maid is not a bad cook. She is actually good. But its just one of the dishes that she can't seem to get right. And she always has this finishing panache of adding ginger. She adds GINGER ON EVERY THING SHE SERVES US! SOMETIMES SHE PUTS GINGER EVEN ON SALADS! When we're lucky, it comes out exotic and strange and sometimes its just plain revolting.But I find it cool that she wants to personalize her cooking style and I guess the GINGER is her special period at the end of every meal.

She even personalized GERRY'S SPECIALLY MARINATED CHICKEN! I never thought that he could do TEX AVERY CARTOON IMPRESSIONS but that he did when he saw a rod full of lemon leaves and some ginger inside the ass of his chicken.

And as much as I tell her to lay off the ginger she doesnt.The same way that she does not follow the proper procedure of making PUTCHERO.Thats why I just asked her to stew the beef. The rest was up to me

Viewed THE NIGHT PORTER this afternoon. It was a pirated CRITERION dvd and I must ay it is one sick and perverted little number. in the same vien as PASOLINI'S SALO.In short I loved it.tells the story of a night porter in some run down hotel in post war VIENNA. One day he meets a guest who turns out to be his FUCK SLAVE IN THE CONCENTRATION CAMPS. YES he used to be a member of the dreaded SS. Most of the films running time is spent on the question will she or wont she rant on him. She doesnt and it turns out that she had missed his torture and sexual beatings and they resume it with passion. I LOVE THESE KINDS OF FLICKS.Just when you thought you knew what the characters would do they go and jump the opposite direction. making you marvel at the intricacies of the human nature.

Just watched a debate episode about ERAP being given house arrest for the Yuletide seaon. Made me sick to be a filipino. That congresswoman lobbying for this must be the dumbest woman to seat in the congressional chair. Her arguements are so stupid that I cant even bear to repeat them here.Then this BUTCH AQUINO JOKER comes on screen and gives his thougthless sense worth.What kind of world do we have where his intelligent and patriotic brother ending on he tarmac floor while this imbecile is alive and kicking.In a perfect universe I' have their destinies switched! Their slogan is that it is time to bring unity to the philippines and that would be achieved when Estrada issent home. WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKED UP CRAP!Not only do they encourage theives festering in high government posts but they encourage theives festering in low government posts to steal and then to aspire for higher government posts so they CAN STEAL SOME MORE!

They use Christmas as an excuse to propogate their evil schemes! Gosh! I want to convert to islam and then behead these fuckers in the name ofall that can be good!These are the kind of congressmen that people vote into office! THIS IS THE KIND OF GOVERNMENT THAT WE HAVE INFLICTED UPON OURSELVES AND THERE BY DAMNED THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! I could not in good conscience bring myself to respect these officials. IF I SEE THEM IN PUBLIC I'D HAUL AND SUMMON FORTH FROM MY DEEPEST THROAX THE BIGGEST SPITBALL THAT I CAN MUSTER AND SMACK THEM IN THE FACE!

If I needed a bigger excuse to migrate ..then this has to be it! The philippines is damned! THE MARCOS VIRUS has never left us and it continues to penetrate every facet of society as we know it. And to think that I was just about to write about another toyhunt expedition!

Someone asked me what's my favorite movie? Who's my favorite director? Who's my favorite actor? Actress? Script writer? But not one of them would ask me What's my favorite line from a film. Which I think is a sadly ignored department.Dave ED introduced me to this giant of a man whose name was NIKOS. He looked like he would be at home in an ITALIAN CREW.Anyway I was lounging around with them and since Dave was a big SWORD AND SANDAL FAN would mouth off his PETER USTINOV IMPERSONATIONS that were rather good.

FLIM: " BUT you can't do RICHARD BURTON ."

Then Nikos steps up to batt.

NIKOS: " BURTON? I'll do BURTON......... Let me think.... OK. ...PILATE'S THE GOVERNOR! THE ROOOOOOOOOOOMAN GUVNOR!
Incredible!

Then it's my turn.

My style is I do multiple impersonations!Actually movie scenes complete with actions.

FLIM: " WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?

FLIM: " A FLEET OF HORSES! THE WIND IN YOUR HAIR! FALCONS ON YOUR WRIST!"

FLIM: " WRONG! CONAN WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?

FLIM: ' KILL YOUR ENEMIES! SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE YOU AND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN! "

DAVE: " fucking cool! YEAH CONAN THE BARBERIAN ROCKS! "

This is another quote that I love from the film. Its in the final fight scene.Conan is sorruounded by a hundred legion of THULSA DOOM and faces imminent destruction.Conan while leaning on a monolith utters a prayer to his god.

CONAN>:“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you!”

There was sequel but I don’t want to mention that movie. The only notable scene there is when Conan is once again surrounded. And the enemy is exchanging pleasantries with him.

CONAN: “ ENOUGH TALK”

Then hurls the dagger at the nearest target.

Was directed by RICHARD FLEISCHER who did the KIRK DOUGLAS/ TONY CURTIS MOVIE VIKINGS.

John Mulius one of the purveyors of MACHO CINEMA and the writer and direcor of the original was slated to do a sequel. He even wrote a script but recent developments say that it has been shelved and Conan is now being played by a younger version. To get the teen market. They should have learned the lesson with that TEENAGE BEASTMASTER. Anyway CONAN: CROWN OF IRON has an incredible storyline that sadly would not be seen in screen.

There is a scene reminiscent of the first one.

From the revised script written by JOHN MUILUS

My favorite barberian is facing impossible odds once again .He prays to his favorite GOD.

CONAN:Crom! Again we are here. One thing I know... you are watching, you old wolf! The odds are long again, you enjoy that. If I die, we will meet in Valhalla, I will eat at your table. And if I live, you will find other ways to torture me.

Nowadays it's all fast cuts and four frame intercuts and dazzling computer graphics! Well whopee dee!Give me cool lines anytime.its a lost art.Here are some that stick to mind.

" Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." - ANNIE HALL

ANOTHER NICE ONE FROM ANNIE HALL

"I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable."

Then there's this piece of gem from the ERROL FLYN version of ROBIN HOOD.Anyone who tells me KEVIN COSTNER was credible should have his head examined.There's only one ROBIN HOOD and that's ERROL FLYN!!!!

ROBIN HOOD: "Overtaxed, overworked and paid off with a knife, a club or a rope."
PRINCE JOHN: "Why, you speak treason."
ROBIN HOOD : "Fluently."


"My, my, my! Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains."from the THE BIG SLEEP

"He must come, he must take me away, he must love me, he must. Morris will love me - for all those who didn't."-THE HEIRESS

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops." -ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

This one is a riot from that sadly neglected wunderkind, ORSON WELLES who starred and wrote this little number.

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."- THE THIRD MAN

"Outside, Countess. As long as they've got sidewalks, you've got a job."-FOOTLIGHT PARADE

These days screen writer's idea of a good dialogue is "WE HAVE TO GO THRU JUNCTION A AND CLOSE OFF THE SAVEFTY VALVE TO RELIEVE THE PRESSURE BUILD-UP OR IT'S ADIOS MUCHACOS! THERMAL NUCLEAR EXPLOSION! "

Takes a lot of imagination to come up with a whooper like that!

THE FIRST STRIP OF FUCKBOY

HERE'S ANOTHER FUCKBOY STRIP THAT I DID WHILE WAITING FOR MY MATTE PAINTINGS TO DRY UP.THE FUCKBOY STRIP IS MEANT TO BE READ AS ONE WHOLE COMICBOOK WHICH IS ENTITLED THE HEROIC SAGA OF FUCKBOY

FUCKBOY PART -II

BAND OF PIRATES

Bought an all region version of the HBO war mini series BAND OF BROTHERS. The damn thing is exactly like the original,right down to the 6th disc that contains all the special features including one of the actor's documentary.The viderates are amazing in the way they copy and package the disc. I was tempted to get the r-3 release that has that sexy tin case packaging but when this was offered to me by ABDULAH with the glaring prize difference how can I refuse? There is some minor pixilation and the subtitles disappear from time to time but hey who am I to complain?

I texted one of my freinds who is a hard core world war 2 dvd collector and told him about the existence of this beauty.

WAR TIME DVD COLLECTOR: " Oh yeah...well you dont have the awesome tin case packaging."

FLIM: " Yes that's true. But im not willing to pay a king's ransom so I can have a nice tin case that will eventually gather dust in my shelf."

And that is true. Look at MY AKIRA tin case edition. yeah sure its cool when you're a visitor in my room and ...

VISITOR: " Wow Its a tin case edition? Where did you get this? "

Then I feel good for the duration of the visit. But the following day it assumes its normalcy.

JOE: " Hey I have the EPISODE 2 two disc collection. Aren't you going to get one? "

FLIM: " NAH! I have the pirated collector's edition . The one they swiped off the Malaysian processing plant. Its incredible and has a running commentary by G. LUCAS at track 2."

JOE: " You dont have the second disc that contains all the deleted scenes."

FLIM: " Yes that's true! What are the deleted scenes? "

JOE: " Well its more romantic scenes between PADME and ANAKIN"

FLIM: " Does it have a longer light saber duel that involves YODA and COUNT DOOKU? "

JOE: " No."

FLIM: " Well Im glad I didnt get that 2 disc edition. WHY ON EARTH would I PAY 1,500 for more shitty romance sthick between those two TWATHS? I have to virtualy edit the already existing scenes in the dvd when I watch it. In fact I skip the entire anakin padme sequences and jump right thru the OBI WAN / JANGO DUEL AND THE ASTERIOD BATTLE SCENE AND THE ARENA AND THE BATTLE OF THE CLONES!"

Then there's this other friend with an interesting view about pirated dvds.

CHEAPSKATE: " I WONT BUY THE PIRATED DVD OF EPISODE2 despite it being identical to the original. I WANT TO GIVE GEORGE LUCAS MY HARD EARNED CASH BECAUSE I want to pay him for all the years that he gave me enjoyment."

Admirable sensibilities working here.

FLIM: " Well you can afford it with the mega bucks that you earn but what about the rest of us living in the poverty line? "

CHEAPSKATE: " You're not even skimming the poverty line."

FLIM: " Well the way I see it. LUCAS has billions and billions of dollars up his ass and he woudnt notice the few fans who buy the pirated discs."

CHEAPSKATE: ' No mAtter WHAT YOU SAY , YOU PEOPLE ARE STEALING FROM GEORGE LUCAS! PLAIN AND SIMPLE! YOU'RE ROBBING HIM AND THERE IS NO MEANS IN JUSTIFYING THAT! "

FLIM: " True! true! true!

CHEAPSKATE: " POOR PEOPLE HAVE NO RIGHT TO COLLECT OR BUY DVDS IF THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO GET THE REAL THING!ITS NOT A CHEAP HOBBY! ONLY THOSE WITH MONEY SHOULD BE COLLECTING IN THE FIRST PLACE! "

FLIM: " So can I put your real name on the BLOG and not this nom de plume? "

CHEAP SKATE: "...uhg....no!Dont do that! "

FLIM: " And I find it ironic that you spend big amounts of money on your dvd collection but you're too fucking cheap to even
hire a ....."

CHEAPSKATE: " DONT EVEN SAY IT! EVERYBODY WILL KNOW IT'S ME! "

FLIM: " JACKASS COWARD! NOT ONLY ARE YOU CHEAP...YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO STAND UP TO WHAT YOU BITCH ABOUT IT... I OUGHT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO....

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: " DONT SAY IT! DONT EVEN SAY IT!This is what you should write in your blog.DVD COLLECTING is an expensive hobby that should be for those who can only afford it.Poor people should spend first on the basic nessecities in life like food and shelter before they indulge in any ....

FLIM: " THAT IS A LOT OF HORSE SHIT! WHAT A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEANT! YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING POLITICIAN! I SHOULD VOTE FOR YOU IN THE NEXT ELECTION!YOU SCUMBAG!"

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: "You think so? "

FLIM: " Just because they're poor and cannot afford to buy original dvds and yet have the means to buy pirated ones, THEY SHOULDN'T! BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? "

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: " Yes! "

FLIM: " WELL SPOKEN for someone who can afford it! But I'd find it more authentic if it actually came from someone who can't!.Because from where I'm standing YOU CAN SAY ALL MANNERS OF PRONOUNCEMENTS WHEN YOU'RE STOMACH IS FULL!

With the way the country is sinking because of the level of corruption our own public officials and the police force and even the army in mindanao wantonly display I find it hilarious that people actually have time to condemn video piracy!

THIS IS THE LAND OF MORDOR. WHERE THE SHADOWS LIE


I had dinner last night with Cess and her friend REGINA in this restaurant called KITCHEN.Reg's family owns this large restaurant franchise that had its meager beginnings when her grandmother cooked in the sidewalk or something.So there we where ordering these " I WANT RICE " spreads. Our topic of conversation was Regina's imminent exodus to the fairy like realm of NEW ZEALAND.

REGINA: " I wonder how would it be like to live there."

FLIM: " IT'S LIKE BEING in MIDDLE EARTH."

REGINA: " Why so? "

FLIM: " Because that's where they shot the movie."

REGINA: " Wow! Really. Thats great! I tought they shot it in ENGLAND."

FILM: " Nah! It doesnt look like ENGLAND.The colour temperature is too hot for it to be in ENGLAND. Personally I would have prefered that they'd shot it in SCOTLAND instead.That's the way I envisioned MIDDLE EARTH to be. Lots of fog and gloomy wheather. And the rocks embraced by emerald moss.NEW ZEALAND in most of the shots look too much like ACTON CALIFORNIA."
CESS: " REG why do you want to leave MANILA? You're not hard up in fact you live in a great and large house. "

Regina's face changed! The euphoria she felt when she discoverd that she was going to migrate to Middle Earth transformed into a haunted like countenance.

REGINA: " IT'S not about money. I just dont like to raise my children in country steeped in corruption and evil."

FLIM: " Corruption isnt just the sole provinceof the phillipines you know. Everywhere you go there's always corruption."

REGINA : " yes but not as much as it is here.

FLIM: " What brought about this all of a sudden?"

REGINA: " My husband was trying to renew his driver's license. They asked him to pay 350 for the drug test. Then in a few minutes they came back and told him that it ws ok. How can they conduct that kind of a test in a few minutes.He talked to a few doctors who confirmed that it was impossible to go thru a thorough urine test in amtter of minutes. It would at least take a day or two. That really sinched it for my Husband."

Personally I think there's more to this than Regina really lets up.My assumption is that she is darn scared to continue living here because she's earning a lot and it's pretty obvious with the fleet of cars she has and that it is only a matter of time before kidnappers start plotting a way to get to her and her own.

FLIM: " Well things dont really look bright over the horizon.LACSON poised to run and the millions of idiots who are dumb enough to vote for him."

REGINA: " That's one of the reasons why I think this country is hopeless.LACSON for President? MY GOD! This country's literacy level is below subhuman standards.At least in other countries they have the mentality to vote people who are good for the job. "

FLIM: " Its not the literacy problem here. It's the mental level.EVERYONE'S AN IDIOT.PLAIN AND SIMPLE! "

REGINA: " The Americans have political maturity.They have gone thru civil wars to protect their constitution and now look, they can vote intelligently."

FLIM: " I said it time and time again. What's wrong with this country is that our bloodless people power should never have been bloodless! There should have been blood on the street! PEOPLE KILLED! HAVOC AND DESTRUCTION! WIDESPREAD! FULL BODY CARNAGE! AND THEN !ONLY THEN ...WOULD WE HAVE HAD A GOOD GOVERNMENT RISING FROM THE ASHES OF THE OLD.We would treasure our independence because we paid for it in blood. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE HAD IT THE EASY WAY. IT was handed down to us. With minimal bloodshed and all praying in the streets and everyone singing songs.So what happens? We treat the running of the government like the way we treat coups. FIESTAS!" Oh we're electing a SCUMBAG in office. OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. WE CAN PEOPLE POWER HIM ANYTIME WE FEEL LIKE IT.IT'S A BIG JOKE! "

REGINA: " Yes...that's true."

FLIM: " It was a big mistake to allow the Marcos family and Imelda to come back here alive!"

CESS:" YOU KNOW the reason why Imelda and the Marcoses came back was because everyone in the states or in Europe would spit on them. They are looked down upoun by the free world."

FLIM: " Don't you think that it's ironic that the only place that would welcome them back is the country they screwd up in the first place ? You know how stupid that makes the country look like? But think about it. If they were executed in public acess tv and shown all over the phillipines . Then a lesson would have been taught. That no scum stealing public official can escape the wrath of the filipino people. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It wasnt done. They were allowed back. They are the living testimony that public officials who commit crime are not made to pay here in the phillipines. That's why when a new Presidents come in, the first thing in their agenda is " OK HOW MUCH CAN I STEAL BEFORE MY TERM EXPIRES! "REGINA: " Look at what RAMOS did to us with that independent power supplier fiasco."

FLIM: " It's not their fault. ITS THEIR JOB TO FUCK US OVER! NOW IT'S OUR JOB TO NOT LET THEM FUCK US.BUT THE FILIPINOS HAVE SIGN IN THE FOREHEAD THAT SAYS, " FUCK ME IN THE ASS AND COME ON MY FACE CAUSE WE'RE IDIOTS! "

REGINA: "THAT'S WHY WE WANT TO MOVE OUT OF HERE. AT FIRST I WAS ASHAMED BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE I WAS ABANDONING MY FAMILY AND OUR BUSSINESS AND MY HERITAGE."

FLIM: " WHAT HERITAGE? THE HERITAGE OF BEING A CITIZEN OF THE OLD SICK AND DYING MAN IN ASIA? THE HERITAGE OF A COUNTRY WHO WELCOMES BACK THOSE WHO PLUNDERED ITS ECONOMY TO DEATH! LEAVE THE COUNTRY!Take your children with you. Raise them in MIDDLE EARTH and never look back to this land of MORDOR. And when you leave.When you climbed the last step before boarding the plane.Turn back and spit at the tarmac.Call this land ACCURSED!!!! "

THIS IS THE LAND OF MORDOR. WHERE THE SHADOWS LIE

REGINA: " Yes I will do that."

FLIM: " Now what are we ordering? "

I hate rendering time! RENDERING TIME is when you just finished a cut and you want to preview it with certain effects.
RENDERING is a pivotal element in computer based non-linear editing.Its No problem when its just s few seconds and no special effects. But when it’s an hour and ten minute rough- cut then your in for the long haul. When I did a MUSIC VIDEO with a three-minute and fifty- five second running time. RENDERING TIME took 6 hours. It’s a far cry when I was editing in film. When it was a 16mm cut it would take a day and a half. When it was super8 I would have to wait for a month just to see how the footages looked like. They didn’t process the film stock here and I had to mail it to JAPAN by regular mail. But the long wait was worth it because the processing in the land of the rising sun was pristine and very professional. THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID ABOUT OUR LOCAL LABS! IN JAPAN everyone holds the film print with gloves and radiation like suits. Here they eat manga and bagoong while handling your negatives!!!! In JAPAN they would use new chemicals for every film stock processed. HERE THEY WOULDN’T PROCESS YOUR FILM IF ITS JUST ONE REEL. AW NO! They’d wait for the orders to pile up and then dump them in a chemical vat that’s been used for the past three months! SO WE WEREN’T SHOCKED when the films came out cloudy. They can always blame you for making an exposure error. There was one instance where my negative got scratched in THE LAB! THEY BLAMED MY CAMERA FOR IT. FUNNY THING IS THAT IT WAS THE ONLY NEGATIVE THAT GOT SCRATCHED! AND THE FOLLOWING NEGS were ok. COMMON SENSE dictates that if it was the camera in error then all the negatives would have scratches but well… CEST LA VIE. IT’S THE PHILIPPINES.

I remember one screw up where I did a final cut for a black and white high contrast film that I shot that didn’t have any edge numbers. The edge numbers in the film stocks got erased because the film workshop coordinator recanned the film stocks backward thus exposing the edge numbers. The edge numbers are very important because they are used in identifying your particular choice of a take to the lab people who cut the negative.

Since the lab people dont know a thing about what you are doing,they have to rely on the edge numbers.

Imagine my surprise when I was viewing my final print and seeing that it was a totally different version from what i had envisioned and edited.I wouldnt have mind if it made the film better...but. The right shots where nowhere to be seen and the wrong takes where everywhere!Continuity 's gone out of the window! After weeks of toiling in the editing room and not seeing the outside world, my only consolation was that it was finally finished and i can just sit back and watch the final print and then go home and sleep for four days and NOW THIS HAPPENS!

I didnt even wait for the film to finish. I stormed ouyt of the screening room and into the lab.I asked the negative cutter where my outtakes where. (The shots that got edited out from the final cut.)

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ It’s in the waste basket. We threw it a day ago.Why?”

FILM: " You werent able to match my cuts! You glued together the wrong takes! IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE! "

NEGATIVE CUTTER: " What did you expect? No edge numbers. I was cutting it blindly!"

The workshop coordinator tells me to just let it be because the film was ok.

BUT IT WASN’T!!! NOT FOR ME!!!!! Im not going to let this thing go just like that not when I still have a few hours of consciousness before I collapse in exhaustion. I went directly to the main garbage bin and went in feet first. I rummaged thru shit and banana peels and several hours of outtakes from other films that the lab was doing at the time. I would have laughed myself silly if I wasn't too tired and drained.But one thing sustained me, THIS IS MY FILM! AND IT'S GOING TO BE SHOWN , MY VERSION!!!

After an hour or two I was able to retrieve a piece here and a piece there. After five hours I was able to get what I assume was the last pieces and proceed to cut them on my own.

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ You are not allowed to cut your own negative. THAT’S MY JOB.”

The negative cutter was a woman around fifty at the time and despite her screw-up she was a very nice lady. I didn’t want to blame her too much. One has to respect the elderly.

FLIM: “ Maam. I hope you don’t mind but your cut was totally not the one I made. And I don’t think you can make it without edge numbers. You’d need a magnifying glass to ascertain which shot is which since the 16mm format is small. So just let me do it and you can go home early and relax.”

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ But what makes you think that you can do it if it’s as hard as you say it is.”

FLIM: “ I wrote the script! I shot the film! I composed and played the music! And I edited it with my own two hands! I lived with this for so long that i can cut it in the dark with just smelling salts for company! believe me I can do it! AND I LOVE DOING IT I love it so much that I didn’t have any second thoughts about diving into garbage full of shit just to retrieve the footages. Or tiring my eyes out as I weeded out my shots from the rest of the rabble. And I don’t mind spending another two days of no sleep just so that Ic an see the version that I had in mind from the onset! “

NEGATIVE CUTTER smiled and patted me in the back.

I finished my cut the following day. And when I viewed my final print two days later. I smiled with a weary face. I had chicken pox the week after that and was incapacitated for a month. Doctor told me that my resistance was weak because of what I put my body thru.

The first time the film was shown most of the people who loved my films didn’t like it so much. It didn’t have what they expect from a FLIM film. It wasn’t funny in the black humor department. There was no clear- cut narrative thrust. And the ending didn’t have a concrete climax.


But it was the film that won in THE 1st Prize Winner, 1990 Film Academy of the Philippines Student Award, Short Feature Category.


And my first international award, Grand Prize Winner, First Southeast Asian Film Competition, Tokyo Japan, 1992.Not bad for a film that was assembled from a garbage bin.And to think that I started complaining about RENDERING TIME.


THE CAVE

Three carpenters were supposed to be all over the cave last Thursday. Ces has been whipping my back for months now about using the blank walls to put up some wooden boards so that I can stack my hoard of rare toys and DVDs on top of them. Instead of littering the floor. I tried fending off her assaults twice as long as the siege on MASADA. But as Peter o Toole said, “ I shall TAKE MASADA AND IT SHALL FALL! “ And I did fell. My main supply line was cut and the constant blows of the battering ram diminished my resistance.

It started with a reconnaissance mission six days prior. To MEGA MALL’S ACE HARDWARE. I had to buy a pair of new extension cords since my present one blew up in my face. Cess said that I had too many computers plugged into one extension. I told her that THREE COMPUTERS in one plug isn’t many. It’s just that they make sissy extension chords is all. Some are done in transparent pink plastic! I mean how tacky can you get?

So she told me to meet her there. I was chatting with JASON about a project pitch that he was formulating at the time so I dragged him with me.

The extension chord expedition slowly transformed into a scan and reconnoiters the hanging shelf section of the shop. She did it so subtly

CESS: “Now get that extension chord it looks sturdy enough. What’s the brand? “

FLIM: “ PANTHER! “

CESS: “ Made where? “

FLIM: “ With a brand name like PANTHER? Where else? THE PHILIPPINES! Any product that has an aggressive animal species, as its brand must be locally produced. JAGUAR! COBRA! Pronounced in a single hissing sylabble. Totally deplorable. But on second thought I wouldn’t buy an extension chord if its brand name were BUTTERFLY or PANDA, Or RIVER SPRINGS, right? ”

Cess shrugs.

FLIM: “ Extension chords transmit electrical power. Therefore it must have a powerful name.”

I looked at the other chords.

FLIM: “What about IDI AMIN extension chords? Doesn’t that sound powerful? “


CESS: “ Look overboard panels. You can buy them now and then have the carpenters put it up by Thursday.”

See? She uses the word " LOOK " as a transitional device.

FLIM: “ I don’t want the carpenters going inside the cave. They’re going to mess up the system and have dust and debris and dirt all over and I cant clean it because of the tons of wires that are all over the place and…”

CESS: “ You can also ask them to turn the south wall into an ARMORY.”

Now that move is a stroke of genuis.

BLAST IT! She really knows how to reel me in. I have long dreamt about hanging my various weapons up into the south wall. So I could sit under the assault rifles and MP submachine guns the two samurai swords and the various grenades and explosive canisters! Sigh.

FLIM: “ ALL RIGHT YOU WIN! GET THOSE CARPENTERS IN! “

The carpenter arrived at 8. He was alone.

CARPENTER: “ We need to buy the wood and the metal under hinges.”


RIGHTRIGHTRIGTH!

CARPENTER: " And we need to buy drill bits."

FLIM: " You dont even have your own drill bits? next thing I know you're going to hit me up for some nails."

CARPENTER: "Nails no problems. I have lots. But we wont use them."

FIGURES!

FLIM: “ We’ll do the shelves later. We start with the ARMORY.”
Carpenter looks at all the guns.

CARPENTER: “ But they said in the office that I was just going to do shelves.”

FLIM: “ THEY LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!HAHAHAHAHA!”

He then went to the hardwarestore and came back with the hooks and the drill bit.

Carpenter then draws out a mean drill and started drilling.

I had anticipated there was going to be a lot of dust but nothing prepared me for the MOTHER LODE of ALL DUST CLOUDS!!!

FLIM: “ DON’T YOU HAVE A SUNCTION MOTOR OR SOMETHING???!!!!!!”

CARPENTER: “IN THE STATES THEY DO. IT’S ATTACHED TO THE LOWER END OF THE DRILL AND THEN AUTOMATICALLY SUCKS THE DUST AS FAST AS IT DRILLS! BUT HERE…..NOOO”

Only in the Philippines.

FLIM: “ LOOK AT ALL THAT DUST!!!!!!”

CARPENTER: “ DON’T WORRY … THE NEWSPAPERS THAT YOU COVERED YOUR EQUIPMENT WITH WILL PROTECT THEM!!!! “

Somehow I didn’t believe him.

CARPENTER: “ So where do you want the 3 armalites? “

FILM: “ On top of one another.”

CARPENTER: “ Ok! “

Drills six more holes. More dust …more debris.

CARPENTER: “ How about this? What do you call this gun? “

FLIM: “ AN ITHACA TWELVE GAUZE SHOTGUN. Should be at the bottom. That’s the heaviest looking. ”

CARPENTER: “ Don’t you want it on top of the 3 armalites? So that there could be balance. “

FLIM: “ What balance? “

CARPENTER: “ So when you look at them it doesn’t look ..weird.”

FLIM: “ Well it’s going to look weirder still when we move the crib in. And where did you get this “ balance” thing? You a designer as well? “

CARPENTER: “ It’s part of my job as a carpenter.”

FLIM: “ Oh…ok. I want the shotgun on the bottom so that the barrel can function as a lodging point for my multiple grenades.”

CARPENTER: “ Oh yes that will be good.”

So he drills more holes.

FLIM: “ Now drill two more holes on top of the armalites so that I can put the MPK ASSAULT RIFLE on top of them all. That’s where the balance occurs. You have a mean long rifle on top and the heavy long shot gun on the bottom.”

CARPENTER: “ Oh yes.”

By now the room was a whirlwind of dust clouds and sandstorms. Pretty soon mirages and spit throwing camels would be seen from the next dune.

Mang Lito the driver walks in carrying the wooden planks for the cabinet.

MANG LITO: “ Looks very good. Like an army room.”

FLIM: “ Now we have the submachine going the opposite way.”

MANG LITO: “ NO! NO! NO! Every gun should go in the same direction. Why would you like this gun to counter flow? “

FLIM: “ I don’t know it just looks good.”

MANG LITO: “ You’ll destroy the entire look. There will be no harmony in the design.”

Suddenly everyone and everyone is an aesthetically trained visualist.

FLIM: “ I want one piece to go against the direction that every gun is pointed to.”

MANG LITO: “ And why do you want that? There’s no uniformity then.”

FLIM: “ Mang Lito I was never the type who wears terno . Who wears black t-shirts and black pants and black shoes and black socks and black briefs and to top it all black condoms!”

MANG LITO: “ What has that got to do with it? “

FLIM: “ Harmony doesn’t come from everything going into one direction. Its having some who go the opposite route mingling and co-existing peacefully with those that don’t.THAT’S HARMONY!”

MANG LITO: “ That’s confusion … uhm…what’s the word? “

FLIM: “ CHAOS! “

MANG LITO: “ Yes. Chaos and disorder. Harmony is everyone doing the same thing as everybody else. Everyone going the same direction. Like your guns all pointing in the same direction.”

FLIM: “ Everyone going the same way? That’s not harmony. THAT’S A DICTATORSHIP! “

MANG LITO: “ Dictatorship is when you force someone to do something against their will.”

FLIM: “ Yes????? ”

MANG LITO: “ We’re just trying to make everything go the same way so that there’s unity and …and harmony…and…”

FLIM: “ That’s DICTATORSHIP. Forcing them to do things for the greater good of the entire unit. Rationalizing and justifying your actions while you force the individual to do your whim that’s dictatorship.”

MANG LITO: “ Are you TRYING TO TELL ME THAT WHEN I DISCIPLINE MY CHILDREN THAT IT’S DICTATORSHIP? WHEN I SPANK THEM I’M LIKE MARCOS? THAT EVIL BASTARD!!!!”

FLIM: “ No You’re not like Marcos! Every parent has to be a dictator! And I didn’t say that dictatorship is a bad thing although most of the time it is. Its hard to become a good dictator because most of the time You become drunk with power and the same aggressive rule of force that you used for the benefit of the whole will slowly be the same weapon that you will wield against them. You are a PARENT and that automatically brands you a dictator. You spank when you must. MARCOS JUST SPANKS AND SPANKS AND TAKES AWAY HIS CHILDREN’S ALLOWANCES. NOW DO YOU FEEL BETTER? OK THEN, THE GUN GOES THE OPPOSITE WAY! “

Mang Lito scratches his pomade-greased hair.

MANG LITO : “ They should all go the same way.”

FLIM: “ Well Im the anarchist! I love a little chaos and pandemonium. AND THIS IS MY CAVE! I DECIDE WHERE THE BARREL POINTS AND THAT IS FINAL! “

CARPENTER: “ Can I drill now? “

Four hours later when every gun and explosives have been locked in place, the carpenter and me just stared at them.


CARPENTER: “ It looks good. “

FLIM: “ Its something isn’t it. But then again we’re boys. Girls don’t like these kinds of things.”

CARPENTER: “ What do you do with them anyway?”

FLIM: “ Props! It’s cheaper to buy your own props than renting them. Do you know they charge you 800 bucks for a wooden armalite for a day? And then you have to pay 300 pesos for a caretaker. WHAT DOES A WOODEN ARMALITE NEED A CARETAKER FOR?”

MANG LITO walks in again and this time he’s carrying the iron underpinnings.

MANG LITO: “ Well… you are right. It does look good going the opposite way.”

FLIM: “ Trust me.”

I gave him a wink.

CARPENTER: “ What about the sword? Should I drill another hole? “

FLIM: “ No. The sword has its own stand. I ‘ll place it in the corner. I don’t want to sit in the sofa with a sword dangling on my head. I’ll feel depressed most of the time.”

Then Cess walks in. Even she was stunned by the beauty of the ARMORY

CESS: “ WAIT! YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED ON THE SHELVES? ITS BEEN SIX HOURS!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ???????”







I read the news and my heart stopped.KEAUNUE REEVES is JOHN CONSTANTINE!

I thought that it was bad enough that NIC CAGE WAS GOING TO PLAY the MASTER MAGICIAN BUT KEANUE REEVES? ... Anyone who is familiar with the JOHN CONSTANTINE CHARACTER knows what a dreadful mistake this is going to be. I just can’t fathom the level of stupidity HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES dig themselves in.

Having him play a martial arts practioner in THE MATRIX was horrible enough. How can you believe this guy can do all those things when he can’t even execute a proper sidekick without the benefit of wires? But the film made a lot of money and that’s good enough for the executives.

BUT HOW ON EARTH CAN HE PLAY A WISE CRACKING VERY INTELLIGENT AND MANIPULATIVE BASTARD with his zero personality acting style. He played a baddie in that SAM RAIMI horror film but he played a mindless gumbah from the woods and that’s the best thing he can do aside from making expressions like,” DUHHHHH "

They could have gotten FIENES OR EVEN STING, whom ALANA MOORE credits as the inspiration for the character. ITS GOING TO BE ANOTHER " FROM HELL" fiasco.

HOTDAWGS

I was a hotdog junkie before. And I used to stock up tons of those TENDER juicy FAT DOGS! But I guess I went overboard a few months ago and just looking at those red synthetic food dyed torpedoes just makes me want to puke. So for the past three weeks no Dogs on the grocery list. Until Ces watched this special DISCOVERY segment on HOTDOGS! I was asleep by then. But when I woke up the next morning she kept raving about DOGS in the states and how humongous their servings are and how she had a craving now for IT ! Made a mental note to cancel our cable subscription next month.

So after lunch we went to the mall and she made me buy her one on this HOLLAND outlet. YUCKKK! Just looking on that roasted piece of…. UGGGHHHH ...words fail me! Anyway we were walking and shopping and that atrocious dog smell kept permeating from her left hand that I had to excuse myself and told her that I’d check out the movie schedule. I went in line and paid for the tickets. Then she comes over and SHE STILL HASN’T FINISHED THE DAMN HOT DOG !GREAT! Now I have to sit down beside her with the partially eaten..ugh sticking up the place . HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE WITH THE MOVIE???

So we go in. And the trailers had just started. Now I don’t know what exactly happened but I suddenly felt very hungry. So I told her that I’m off to buy something to eat. Outside I made a mad dash for the nearest hamburger place. I only have a few minutes before the main feature starts. The first joint I went thru had a long line of people. DAMN! ITS NEARLY DINNER TIME! EVERY IDIOT INCLUDING ME IS out in the open looking for something to stuff their silly faces with!!!! Now I have to find some place where there's not much people in a long queche! Next stop is the COLONEL’S SOUTHERN CHICKEN! NO LUCK AGAIN! LONG LINE!!!!!! BAHHHHHH!

By now my stomach was grumbling like a pig. And when I looked somehwhere near the rightfar corner I saw a HOTDOG outlet with no one around! Not a single customer! IT HAD TO BE A HOTDOG STAND! I shook my head in resignation! Biting the bullet I shrugged it off as one of those great cosmic jokes! It’s a simple choice! Fall in line and get a burger or a chicken and miss the first ten minutes or even 20 minutes of the movie. Or just ….gagggggg….PUFT…PUFFT….do the inconceivable! I elected to do the INCONCEIVABLE!

FLIM: “ One CERVELAT HOT DOG PLEASE! “

SALESGIRL: “ That would be 55 pesos.”

FLIM: “ Can you put a lot of onions and pickle relish please? ”

SALESGIRL: “ Ohhh sorry but if you want extra onions you have to pay an extra 5 pesos.”

FLIM: “ LADY! ONIONS ARE GARNISHING! YOU DON’T PAY EXTRA FOR THAT! IT’S PART OF THE SERVICE. I DON’T PAY BOY ATTENDANTS WHEN I HAVE THEM PUT SOME AIR INTO MY TIRES!”

SALESGIRL: “ Its company policy! “

FLIM: “ OH YEAH? NO WONDER THERE AIN'T ANYONE HERE! LOOK AT THE OTHER SHOPS! IT’S FULL OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEIR CUSTOMERS (WHAT A BIG LIE!) THE WAY I SEE IT YOU SHOULD EVEN BE GLAD THAT I'M ORDERING A DOG! I HATE DOGS! I HATE THEM AS MUCH AS I HATE STANDING NOW IN FRONT OF YOU BEGGING FOR AN EXTRA SERVING OF ONIONS ON A FOOD THAT I DETEST BUT MUST EAT IN ORDER NOT TO MISS THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF THE MOVIE IM SUPPOSED TO WATCH!!! ( pant!) ( pant! ) ( pant!)…NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME THE EXTRA ONIONS OR DO I GO THE CHICKEN COLONEL? “

There were two sales girls. One was sorta cute and the other one looked like the mummified remain of NEFERTIRI. I was arguing with the mummy.

CUTE SALES GIRL: “ Don’t worry sir! I’ll give you much onions as you want.”

And she took my dog and proceeded to pour as many onions as there was. Sadly there wasn’t much.

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir that’s all the onions we have.”

FLIM: “ You mean I had this long debate for that? That’s only five rings?”

CUTE SALESGIRL:” Sir our shipment of onions is coming in later.”

FLIM: “ Yep! That makes sense! I order a hotdog, which I hate and could only eat if there were enough onions and pickle relish to disguise the taste and there are not enough onions! Of course it will come in later! WHY WOULD IT BE HERE NOW WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST!!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FILL IT UP WITH A LOT OF PICKLE RELISH THEN!”

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ ok sir.”

I Follow her hand movements and strained my neck as she turns around to get her spatula. For all I know she might be summoning forth a big saliva cache to splat on my bread!

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir it’s overflowing!”

FLIM: “ Let it! Just imagine those are onion rings! “

She then hands me the dog and I run to the movie house. Once inside Ces tells me that I missed the great opening car chase.

FLIM: “ YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! PUT IT ON THE HEADSTONE! “

She asked me what I got. I told her a HOTDOG. She stopped snickering after five minutes.

I opened my mouth and took a big bite. I didn’t care if it was lousy. I was hungry! And that’s that! Funny how I ended up with a food that I totally hate and got and STILL MISSED THE OPENING SCENES because OF THAT ONION HOARDING MUMMY FROM LOWER EGYPT!

FLIM: “ FUCK!”

Ces asked what’s the matter.

I looked at the hotdog in front of me and stared at it. Suddenly the movie wasn’t that important anymore.

FLIM: “ This is….. Incredible! THIS IS THE BEST HOTDOG I HAVE EVER TASTED!

I then took another bite. And another and another! IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

It wasn’t even oily so I didn’t need to drown out the after taste with soft drink.

The movie finished after an hour and fifteen minutes later. I told ces that I need to watch the opening scene and that she should accompany me.

She asked where?

FLIM: “TO GET ANOTHER HOTDOG, silly!”

So we walked back to the hotdog station and when NEFERTERI saw me, she began to shake her head.

FLIM: “ GIVE ME ANOTHER HOTDOG! “

So she goes thru the motions of preparing it.

NEFERTERI: “ Sir here you go. “

FLIM: “ What about my onions? “

NEFERTIRI: “ Sir we don’t have anymore onions. You got the last onions.”

FLIM: “ BUT THAT WAS AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO! YOU SAID THAT YOUR ONION SUPPLY WAS COMING IN.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Oh that. They called and said tomorrow instead.”

I would have stabbed her with an ankh if I had one!

FLIM: “ How can I eat a HOTDOG sandwich without onions? “

Ces tells me that she can eat without one.

FLIM: “ But that’s you! I CAN’T! EAT A HOTDOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!! ITS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE! “

There was a spaghetti western moment where in I faced my nemesis, The MUMMY queen with her scepter of a spatula gentling patting the bun. CLOSEUP of her beady eyes as she stares me down for our explosive confrontation. I stare back. Close up of my hands moving downwards. Not knowing if I should go for my wallet or just bash her with the cell phone.

DAMN IT! I WANTED THE DOG! SO I WENT FOR THE WALLET INSTEAD!

FLIM: “ Fill her up with all the pickle relish that you got or so AKENATHAN help me…”

Just then another customer comes in.

CUSTOMER: “ One Hungarian sausage please.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Wait for a second im finishing with THIS customer.”

CUSTOMER: “ I want plenty of onions and…”

NEFERTIRI shrugs and then lowers her head.

NEFERTIRI: “ No more onions.”

CUSTOMER: “ AY! Ok.”

Then he walks away.

I step in, triumphantly!

FLIM: “ SEE? THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ONIONS! PEOPLE LIKE HOTDOGS WITH ONIONS! TAKE AWAY THE ONIONS! NO HOTDOGS! SEE? AND DON’T IMPOSE THAT CHARGING AN EXTRA 5 PESOS FOR EXTRA SERVINGS OF ONIONS,POLICY CRAP!! THAT WOULD KILL YOUR BUSINESS FASTER THAN FINDING A COCKROACH IN THE TOMATOE BIN! People go where extra garneshings are free! I eat at BURGER KING and when I say HEAVY on everything they GIVE ME HEAVY ON EVERYTHING! NO EXTRA CHARGE! AND I KEEP COMING BACK! “She hands me my hotdog. And I walked away.

Midway I took a bite and although the dog was still good. It’s no DOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!!

FLIM: ‘ I WILL HAVE MY ONIONS! I SWEAR IT!”

Ces asked how.

FLIM: ” WITNESS THE POWER OF THE FLIM AND KNEEL BEFORE ME FOR I SHALL CONJURE ONIONS FROM THIN AIR! “

I told her to stay there and look around. I immediately went inside the HOTPOT restaurant where you cook your own meals. I approached the waitress.

FLIM: “ Excuse me miss. I have a small problem and I hope you can help me. I ordered a hotdog but they didn’t have any more onions. So I was hoping that You could give me some. It’s for my wife and she’s pregnant and she has this craving for onion filled hotdogs.”

WAITRESS: “ Ohhh…ok.”

So she took my hotdog and poured a lot of onions into it.

FLIM: “ Thank you kind miss.”

And I walked fast and hauled Ces into the theaters.

She was shocked and asked how I got the onions.

FLIM: “ PURE UNSTOPPABLE POWER! “

We passed by another HOTDOG stand. It's a SMOKEY'S outlet. And I thought about ordering my soft drinks there. I cant take the ones in the can because for some strange reason its was prohibited by the theater management.

FLIM: “ How much for the soft drink?”

HOTDOG STAND CLERK: “ 25 pesos.”

FLIM: “ How come you don’t have anymore hotdogs?”

The grill was empty.

HOTDOG STAND GUY: “ Sold out.”

FLIM: “ So what’s going to happen to all the garnishing that you have there? “

And there was still a lot. There was onions, pickle relish, chili, and fried chorizo tidbits.

FLIM: “ YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SERVE THAT AGAIN TO US TOMORROW ARE YOU?” (USING THE FLIM POWER!)

HOTDOG GUY: ‘ WE declare it loss. And then throw it away.”

FLIM: “ What a waste? Tell you what. I’ll order my soft drink from you if you give me some of those garnishing. You’re just going to throw it anyway right?”

Hotdog guy smiled at me and nodded. He proceeded to fill me up a plastic cup of root beer while I enthusiastically raided his garnishing!

I dug into the wide and deep onion bin and spread it across my dog! Next I went for the pickle relish.Ohh the mad joy that I felt as constructed what in my mind would be the defenitive HOTDOG in the known UNIVERSE! THE UBER-DOG straight from a NIETZECHEIAN KITCHEN! THIS WAS MY FRANKEN WEENIE! I BARON VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN, CULLING SPARE GARNESHINGS AND THROW AWAYchili sauce, will create a HOTDOG from my own likeness!

IT LIVES! IT LIVES! DO YOU HEAR????????HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
NOW for the finishing touch. I dumped the chorizo bit on top!

Then I held the HOTDOG aloft with one hand.

FLIM: “ I CHRISTEN YOU THE FLIMMEISTER! FLAGSHIP OF ALL THE HOTDOGS IN THE WORLD!”

As I sat and watched the movie while munching my dog. Ces asked how WAS IT?

FLIM: “ THE MOVIE OR THE HOTDOG? THE MOVIE SUCKS! Its the usual formulaic guy meets girl and then guy has to rescue girl flick. They even stole the truck chase scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! PATHETIC! NOW THE HOTDOG?…Well.. It’s a little slice of heaven.”