ARMY OF SPAMS

There are so many ways to cook spam.I think I've tried them all.Spam is not a member of the front liners in my cupboard. Its stacked waayyyyy back. A contingency plan when the meal for the day is not of my liking. It's beside the PORTUGESE sardine, spiced well. Its beside the Pink salmon sardines which i can fry with my special secret sauce. and the ever present Corned beef with its own secret ingredient of horse meat.

Well I Burnt myself yesterday while cooking slices of spam on the pan. The hot boiling oil popped out and hit me in the leg!The burnt mark turned dark red! DAMN FUCKING SPAM! Should have opted for MALINGinstead. Wouldnt have been cooking that shit but Cecile wanted chicken fettucine! I hate any pasta with white sauce! THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME FART!

One time I was in UWVE SCHMELTER's house parties.( The then german head of the GOETHE INSTITUE)Old SCHMELTS was very supportive of filipino artists and many filmmakers benefited from the German's art programs. Filmmakers were a constant visitor in his house at VALLE VERDE. He was also a brilliant violinist and he had that pasta served. I took a few bites and was talking to one of the german cellist.( She was cute and I do remember that she was a cellist. ) When I suddenly let loose a loud,wet one.

FLIM: " So I believe that certain aromas no matter how offensive they may smell , actually ignites our libido in some subliminal level.

CELLIST: "VONDEVAR! "

She seemed to love my segue. So I persued her deep into enemy territory.

FLIM: " Are you aware that we have natural scents that attract the opposite sex and we mask our natural scents with perfumes that were extracted from animal phermones? "

CELLIST: " Das veri interiesting. Ver did you vear it, mein herr? "

FLIM: " Read it from Desmond Morris."

I felt another one comming. DAMN THE FETUCCINES!!She let one by easily. I doubt she'll let this one off.But if I leave her , chances are the other filmmakers would do a beehive on her.They were already circling like a band of hungry piranhas looking for an opening.

POOOOOTTTTTTT!

FLIM: " WHO DID THAT ? THAT'S ATROCIOUS? "

Cellist manages a snicker as I tried looking around ,tryong to determine the identity of the farting culprit.

FLIM: " Forgive me madame but it seems that fettucine does not suit tropical climates such as the one we have here."

There was another incident in a THESIS defence where Fetucinne was served.I was part of the defence panel and I told myself," Ok YOU WANT ME GOING NAGASAKI WITH MY ASS IN THIS SMALL AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM, SO BE...IT!"

And I proceeded to eat a ton of the white cream.

After lunch , the proceedings went on. Halfway into their presentation. I felt the familiar sensation.

Oh boy this is going to be...a BIG ONE!

Bigger than a tsunnami....

More volcanic than KRAKATOA and VESUVUIS.

I scanned the faces of the innocent audience and other panelist. Was this how the people of POMPEI looked before the upheaval? Caught up with their day to day routines that they never stopped to think that this very second will be their last to breathe clean air in a socially packed room!

I cant hold it any longer no more. But I took pity on them and decided to let loose...a small burst.So with great control I relaxed....but not much. Just a little.

PWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

It didnt sound like a fart. Three teachers reached out for their cellphones and checked. Suddenly a big one exploded!It wasnt me. It Seemes that I wasnt the only one who had intimate relationships with Fetuccines. The smell was unbearable. There was a mad dash for the exit. Turmoil and pandemoniom ensued. It was spectacular!

In the melle what was I to do? I let the entire room have it.What's the point of holding back right?After all my first subtle strike was pre-emptied by a bigger mushroom cloud and the general populace was already aware of FART SWAGGERING GIANTS WALKING THE EARTH, I SAY LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!

For a brief second there was a unique chorus of anal explosions. Ahh the simple pleasures of eating and
flatulating.Nothing comes close except good sex.But then again...you can't do good sex by yourslef. ( Im pretty sure that a lot of people would argue about that.)

Personally I dont like farting. But when the urge comes...what else can one do?In the presence of polite company you can kindly excuse yourself and go to a private location and there let your gas lose. But these days I hardly keep polite company so I let them have it as much as I can!

In certain cultures, farting and belching is a sign of respect and gratitude to the host. If you dont belch then it means that you did not enjoy the food,sounds logical.

But in our society, farting is considered rude. It is a sign that one does not control his body. Which is a load of crap. WHEN DID WE EVER CONTROL OUR BODIES? Just because you can hold your stool for a few more seconds before you reach the bathroom doesn't mean you CONTROL IT.

FARTING IS LIKE THE FUTURE, IT IS INEVITABLE!

Now back to spam. Months ago I was cooking it for a guest who had the nasty habit of dropping by unannounced. I'm all for spontanueity and such but when you drop by uninvited in the middle of dinner... well I hoped there are certain cultures who execute unwanted guests when they break up a meal time. If there's none then someone should.

As I was pan frying one because he said that he hadn't eaten dinner.Me being a gracious host graciously went up the ladder and reached out thru the hidden cache of spams.

GUEST: " Hey thats good. I love spam! I just love it!"

FLIM: " Thats good. Would you want it deep fried or a little stale?"

GUEST: " A little stale. I dont like it fried. MAsks out the flavour."

FLIM: " Yeah that's pretty logical. Did you know that SPAM and MAHLING are a huge hit in ASIAN COUNTRIES. BIGGER than in the states and in EUROPE? "

GUEST: " Because they're good? "

FLIM: " Well studies said that MAHLING and SPAM are sought after here because they are the meat product which closely aproximates the taste of HUMAN FLESH? "

GUEST: " Ohh..ugghhhhh..."

I stirred the slabs and poked them with my prong.

FLIM: " And you know what means right? "

GUEST: " Ughh...no...what? "

FLIM: " If SPAM and MALING are big here ? Well then we have not totally rid ourselves of our cravings for human flesh."

GUEST : " Oh my...."

FLIM: "Yep..asian countries a long time ago ...all...."

I smelled the aroma.

FLIM: " ...CANNIBALS! "

GUEST : " Do you have fruits instead? "

I was given a new cellphone with a coloured monitor. Now, I'm not a tech junkie when it comes to phones.I mean i dont give a shit if its the classic 6150 that was previously stolen from me in acomic shop.I'm a techie when it comes to videos and film since that 's what i love to tinker with. But cellphones, not really. Anyway when I started fidling with my new 3530 i suddenly discoeverd how much fun i was missing while staring at the coloured images.

Great guns. It reminded me about black and white tv sets and how I first marveled upon the sigh tof my first coloured tv set.

Anyway the first thing I did was feed voice commands for the people listed in my memmory card.Voice commands enables the phone to dial the person's number without you keying in his numbers.I love stuff like that. So i shied out into a corner
and started issueing the assigned codenames!

HEIL HITLER! ...for my beloved spouse

KATO GAGO!..... for our driver who always get's the directions wrong.

GRISHNAK!......for Selina's yaya!

HERR DOCTOR! ...for my sister

SCHNELL STRUDELS!...for Elsie my gym buddy

FLEX MENTALLO FOR bONG MY GYM INSTRUCTOR.

KUNTA KINTE!... for my production assitant

CRY HAVOC! ...for any of my students

ACHTUNG PANZER ...FOR ANY OF MY RIDING BUDDIES

YUM!YUM!...for food establishments

MRS DEAGOL!..for our secretary

CONSTRUCTICONS!..for the carpenter.



I love barking orders and codenames! I'm going to leaf thru my stuff to come up with interesting codenames for all the numbers I have in my memory.

Yesterday I accompanied Cess to watch the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. This was my second viewing and I wasn't very pleased.

FLIM: " The first time I watched it, I had myself branded like a fucking cow in the morning so I can accompany you when you decide to watch in the evening.

Cattle branding occurs when they stamp your arm with a violet like pigment by the ticket collector when you want to go out of the movie and have intentions of coming back.In Robinsons cinemas they brand you on particular arm. Cinema one brands you on the right and cinema 2 brands you on the left.I havent watched in the other cinemas to know which part of the body they will brand you on. To those who want to be branded a word of advise.Have them brand you on the upper shoulder so that it wont wash away when you wash your hands.

FLIM:" but did you want to watch on that day? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So what do I do? I dont take a bath for two days hoping that you would decide to watch it within those days."

CESS: " I don't understand all of this? "

FLIM: " I didn't take a bath so my cattle brand wont get erased and I can come back to the movie house without paying!So I don't have to pay twice for a movie I have ALREADY SEEN!Key emphasis ON already seeeennnnnnnnnnn!!!!"

CESS: " Ohh.."

FLIM: " So what happens? On the day I do decide to take a bath, by some planetary alignment you DECIDE THAT you want TO WATCH THE MOVIE! So Now I END UP PAYING TWICE!There by nullifying the two bathless days I had to go thru."

CESS: " Well you did enjoy the movie. And you have this habit of watching movies again and again."

FLIM: " Ahh yes but that was before the advent of dvd piracy. Now I can only just watch once and then wait a couple of months and I can own a superb copy for 65 pesos."

CESS: " Well I want to watch league in the big screen."

FLIM: " can't we just watch BAD BOYS 2 instead? I haven't watched it."

CESS: " I hate BAD BOYS 1 and I will certainly hate BAD BOYS 2."

FLIM: " But you HAVEN'T SEEN BAD BOYS 1! "

CESS: " Because I dont like cussing! WHICH REMINDS ME, I heard SELINA say BITCH today! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER WATCH that VULGAR CARTOON"

FLIM: " LOOK! EVENTUALLY OUR KID WOULD LEARN TO SAY BITCH!IF SHE'S GOING TO LEARN HOW TO CUSS IT WOULD BE BETTER, UNDER PARENTAL SUPERVISION! "

We walk to the cinemas. I espy the latest PIXAR FLICK

FLIM: " How about LITTLE NEMO? We both haven't seen LITTLE NEMO."

CESS: " I'm in no mood to watch a cartoon. I want to watch live people.I want to see the real NEMO Not computer generated fish! "

FLIM: " But the voices belong to live people."

She shots me a menacing look.What can I do? So I shell out 120 pesos and entered the League theater.On second viewing I noticed the plot holes.

IF NEMO's car is a prototype how come SAWYER can drive it like a maniac? And that's the first time he rode in it. When the original League members were driven by ISHMAEL to Dorian Gray's building, Sawyer wasnt even inside. He was tailing them from behind. And what would he use to follow the car's fast accelaration? Maybe a very fast donkey!

Then we have DORIAN GRAY stealing the mini sub of the Nautilus. How did he do that? Well he hanged out around the galleys with IShmael who stopped whatever he was doing and taught him the forward and pivot controls!But the best part ,Cess spotted!

CESS: " I see Mina going berserk when she see's blood. even her own. So how can you maintain a sense of propriety when nursing to the NAUTILUS crew who were injured during the Venice Fiasco? "

FLIM: " But it's mindless fun isn't it? "

CESS: " And the Nautilus can't fit thru the canals of Venice! "

FLIM: " It can! "

CESS: " You've never been to Venice."

FLIM: " Ohhh..right I forgot. Well excuse me MADAME BOVARY, Not everyone inside this theater has been to VENICE, with you as the exception.And to correct you, I HAVE A FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE OF VENICE."

CESS:"But you haven;t been there and you never walked the .."

FLIM: " Have you played TOMB RAIDER 2? I know every inch of that city."


I still dont understand why I liked it even when it was stupid in some places.May because I grew up on these characters.I know all of them and read them when I was a kid and seeing them all in one movie is like...the ultimate cross over! So I dont care if it does have plotholes that you can druive the NAUTILUS in... I still love VICTORIAN SUPERMEN! They are educated and exhudes ENGLISH COCKINESS!

Or maybe I liked it because of the advance word of mouth. If a movie is rumored to be bad then you're expectations are pretty low so when you come in , you're pretty defenceless.Like T3. I heard it was really bad but when I saw it , I was floored!if this is a new marketingploy then it's pretty ballsy!because A lot of people would STAY AWAY FROM A BAD MOVIE!

" She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednsday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a superkinkamayamayabeeatch
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean 'ol bitch and she has stupid hair
She's a big big big big big big bitch "

Now I have done it. Selina's addicted to the SOUTH PARK DVD.The last three weeks was spent with SOUTH PACIFIC being played every single morning.Now it's SOUTH PARK. She seems to like the songs with the major cussing factors! Can't blame her tho. The best catchy tunes all involve Cuss words. Now if only Cess wont hear it as much.

Selina has been strangely fixated with movie musicals. Everytime she enters the editing room she carries with her her dvds of WINNIE THE PHOO, ROBIN HOOD, SHRECK, and SOUTH PACIFIC. She really loves the HAPPY SONG and , " THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME" For my part I enjoy watching her mimic the song and dance routine.But there's more to life than Roger and Hammerstein and WALT DISNEY. So I slipped in SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE. In no time at all She was singing, ' KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG FAT BITCH , SHE'S A BIG FAT BITCH IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD"

Of course when Cecile found out she ripped my head off.My arguement is that they were just words! Words that colour the world in a certain tinge. In fact cussing displays the clairty and emotional dept of a word ins a very concise form.
Consider a world without cuss words.

IN A CUSSLESS WORLD

HUSBAND: " Honey I had a terrible day at work. My assistant didn't do his job the way he was supposed to do. I had to do double work just to fill up his shortcommings."

WORLD OF CUSSINGS

HUSBAND: " HON, THAT STUPID FUCKING ASST FUCKED UP AGAIN AND I HAD TO SAVE HIS FUCKING ASS!!

Of course that arguement didn't hold water for my wife and she then proceeded to bash my fucking head in.In full view of the baby. I guess Its ok to bludgeon someone to death , just dont use foul language.


I tried to play my original SUPERMAN DVD on my pioneer dvd player and the chapter where SUPERMAN confronts his Father and is given a lecture as to why he should have a secret identity went POOF! PIXILATED and lost the soundtrack. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE THAT?YOU SPEND 1,500 PESOS to buy an original and it gets busted just like that. It doesnt even have scrathes and I have not lent it to anyone. SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING EXPLANATION? NOTHING! NEIN!

A friend of mine once said that the Universe abhors perfection. He said that when I just bought my motorcycle and in the first few minutes I fell down and scrathed up my perfect tanks. I agree. The UNIVERSE HATES PERFECTION. And every second it will maim , scrath, dent,rust up and wrinkle, your prized comicbooks,your dvd collection, your priceless records, and your mint toys.

The funny part is THE UNIVERSE knows what you treasure the most and it will stick it's malicous fingers right towards it!

Case in point, a friend of mine let his SANDMAN collection in his house.( If I heard the tale correctly.) These are the priceless individual issues. He left it in a box and when he opened it after a couple of years , he discovers much to his regret, the termites have feasted on it. COVER TO COVER. It didnt eat his JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA bY Griffin and MATHEIAS which he found casually amusing but went for his other Vertigo titles as well.

I had a pair of state of the art NIKE running shoes. I bought it and used it occasionally. After a few months I think I just used it up 5 times at the most. On my sixth wear, the soles crumbled beneath my feet.

When my brand new wide angle lens came in( which cost me a hefty sum.) I used it immediately on the WASTED MOVIE.My actor's corrosive saliva gave it a wet foamy kiss. Dribblets all over the place. i took a clean cloth and wiped the sirface gently. A long gnash of a scrath appeared in the lower side.

It's things like this that make you want to sit down and drool like an idiot.

Anyway the moral of the lesson I think is. NEVER BUY ORIGINAL DVDS! THeY COST MORE AND HEY BREAK DOWN TO WITH NO APPARENT REASON.BUY PIRATED DVDS. At least it would only cost you 65 pesos and when it breaks you can get another one. Try making the same arguement over a 1,500 peso dvd.

ARCHIVE IN THE MORNING! ARCHIVING IN THE EVENING! Doing four different versions of a film that should have been finished isn't my idea of a good time. So I hop my way to Robinsons to watch LEAGUE.I didn;t have any high expectations because I have been forewarned by critical reviews on line.Not to mention the terrible trailer and horrible lobby pictures.

I don't know if it was because I watched at 10 in the morning and my brain wasn't functioning on full trottle but...DAMN I LIKE IT!

In fact I liked it more than XMEN2.Well that's not much of a stretch because I didn't like xmen 2!The only thing that was notable in that movie was the time when MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE were huddled together like two queens comparing makeup secrets and nail polishing tricks.

But I'm a fan of ALAN MOORE'S LEAGUE.But this film wasn't really the comic book plot.And I knew that coming in.So how come I liked it? Strangely enough words fail me.I just got a kick out of the NAUTILUS rising out from below the london docks. And imagine my surprise when I discovered that the poster did not do justice to the actual model. It doesnt look like a world war2 submarine as I thought it would be. It looked like a SCHIMITAR, which fits the vessel that NEMO calls THE SWORDOF THE OCEAN.( I still think that KEVIN's original design of the NAUTILUS in the comic book is cooler.)The fight scenes weren't as bad as what I saw in the trailer.

However I have two main complaints. Let's start with the american addition, TOM SAWYER. He should have been shot in the first place. I know they needed a younger member so that CONNERY'S QUARTERMAIN would have a surrogate son but the actor who played SAWYER was utterly horrible!He looks terribly out of place.

My next concern is the fight scene with QUARTERMAIN and PROFESSOR MORIARTY.( Anyone who's going to bitch about me spoiling the real identity of M should have his entire bloodline lobotimized!Who else would M be in a VICTORIAN era whos- who brawl?)

For someone who is called the ultimate nemesis of SHERLOCK HOLMES, MORIARTY just acted like a common thug fending off the attacks of CONNERY than the super genuis that he really is. That was very disappionting. but what do you expect when an AMERICAN MTV director handles BRITAIN'S Literary crown jewels?