ARMY OF SPAMS

There are so many ways to cook spam.I think I've tried them all.Spam is not a member of the front liners in my cupboard. Its stacked waayyyyy back. A contingency plan when the meal for the day is not of my liking. It's beside the PORTUGESE sardine, spiced well. Its beside the Pink salmon sardines which i can fry with my special secret sauce. and the ever present Corned beef with its own secret ingredient of horse meat.

Well I Burnt myself yesterday while cooking slices of spam on the pan. The hot boiling oil popped out and hit me in the leg!The burnt mark turned dark red! DAMN FUCKING SPAM! Should have opted for MALINGinstead. Wouldnt have been cooking that shit but Cecile wanted chicken fettucine! I hate any pasta with white sauce! THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME FART!

One time I was in UWVE SCHMELTER's house parties.( The then german head of the GOETHE INSTITUE)Old SCHMELTS was very supportive of filipino artists and many filmmakers benefited from the German's art programs. Filmmakers were a constant visitor in his house at VALLE VERDE. He was also a brilliant violinist and he had that pasta served. I took a few bites and was talking to one of the german cellist.( She was cute and I do remember that she was a cellist. ) When I suddenly let loose a loud,wet one.

FLIM: " So I believe that certain aromas no matter how offensive they may smell , actually ignites our libido in some subliminal level.

CELLIST: "VONDEVAR! "

She seemed to love my segue. So I persued her deep into enemy territory.

FLIM: " Are you aware that we have natural scents that attract the opposite sex and we mask our natural scents with perfumes that were extracted from animal phermones? "

CELLIST: " Das veri interiesting. Ver did you vear it, mein herr? "

FLIM: " Read it from Desmond Morris."

I felt another one comming. DAMN THE FETUCCINES!!She let one by easily. I doubt she'll let this one off.But if I leave her , chances are the other filmmakers would do a beehive on her.They were already circling like a band of hungry piranhas looking for an opening.

POOOOOTTTTTTT!

FLIM: " WHO DID THAT ? THAT'S ATROCIOUS? "

Cellist manages a snicker as I tried looking around ,tryong to determine the identity of the farting culprit.

FLIM: " Forgive me madame but it seems that fettucine does not suit tropical climates such as the one we have here."

There was another incident in a THESIS defence where Fetucinne was served.I was part of the defence panel and I told myself," Ok YOU WANT ME GOING NAGASAKI WITH MY ASS IN THIS SMALL AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM, SO BE...IT!"

And I proceeded to eat a ton of the white cream.

After lunch , the proceedings went on. Halfway into their presentation. I felt the familiar sensation.

Oh boy this is going to be...a BIG ONE!

Bigger than a tsunnami....

More volcanic than KRAKATOA and VESUVUIS.

I scanned the faces of the innocent audience and other panelist. Was this how the people of POMPEI looked before the upheaval? Caught up with their day to day routines that they never stopped to think that this very second will be their last to breathe clean air in a socially packed room!

I cant hold it any longer no more. But I took pity on them and decided to let loose...a small burst.So with great control I relaxed....but not much. Just a little.

PWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

It didnt sound like a fart. Three teachers reached out for their cellphones and checked. Suddenly a big one exploded!It wasnt me. It Seemes that I wasnt the only one who had intimate relationships with Fetuccines. The smell was unbearable. There was a mad dash for the exit. Turmoil and pandemoniom ensued. It was spectacular!

In the melle what was I to do? I let the entire room have it.What's the point of holding back right?After all my first subtle strike was pre-emptied by a bigger mushroom cloud and the general populace was already aware of FART SWAGGERING GIANTS WALKING THE EARTH, I SAY LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!

For a brief second there was a unique chorus of anal explosions. Ahh the simple pleasures of eating and
flatulating.Nothing comes close except good sex.But then again...you can't do good sex by yourslef. ( Im pretty sure that a lot of people would argue about that.)

Personally I dont like farting. But when the urge comes...what else can one do?In the presence of polite company you can kindly excuse yourself and go to a private location and there let your gas lose. But these days I hardly keep polite company so I let them have it as much as I can!

In certain cultures, farting and belching is a sign of respect and gratitude to the host. If you dont belch then it means that you did not enjoy the food,sounds logical.

But in our society, farting is considered rude. It is a sign that one does not control his body. Which is a load of crap. WHEN DID WE EVER CONTROL OUR BODIES? Just because you can hold your stool for a few more seconds before you reach the bathroom doesn't mean you CONTROL IT.

FARTING IS LIKE THE FUTURE, IT IS INEVITABLE!

Now back to spam. Months ago I was cooking it for a guest who had the nasty habit of dropping by unannounced. I'm all for spontanueity and such but when you drop by uninvited in the middle of dinner... well I hoped there are certain cultures who execute unwanted guests when they break up a meal time. If there's none then someone should.

As I was pan frying one because he said that he hadn't eaten dinner.Me being a gracious host graciously went up the ladder and reached out thru the hidden cache of spams.

GUEST: " Hey thats good. I love spam! I just love it!"

FLIM: " Thats good. Would you want it deep fried or a little stale?"

GUEST: " A little stale. I dont like it fried. MAsks out the flavour."

FLIM: " Yeah that's pretty logical. Did you know that SPAM and MAHLING are a huge hit in ASIAN COUNTRIES. BIGGER than in the states and in EUROPE? "

GUEST: " Because they're good? "

FLIM: " Well studies said that MAHLING and SPAM are sought after here because they are the meat product which closely aproximates the taste of HUMAN FLESH? "

GUEST: " Ohh..ugghhhhh..."

I stirred the slabs and poked them with my prong.

FLIM: " And you know what means right? "

GUEST: " Ughh...no...what? "

FLIM: " If SPAM and MALING are big here ? Well then we have not totally rid ourselves of our cravings for human flesh."

GUEST : " Oh my...."

FLIM: "Yep..asian countries a long time ago ...all...."

I smelled the aroma.

FLIM: " ...CANNIBALS! "

GUEST : " Do you have fruits instead? "

I was given a new cellphone with a coloured monitor. Now, I'm not a tech junkie when it comes to phones.I mean i dont give a shit if its the classic 6150 that was previously stolen from me in acomic shop.I'm a techie when it comes to videos and film since that 's what i love to tinker with. But cellphones, not really. Anyway when I started fidling with my new 3530 i suddenly discoeverd how much fun i was missing while staring at the coloured images.

Great guns. It reminded me about black and white tv sets and how I first marveled upon the sigh tof my first coloured tv set.

Anyway the first thing I did was feed voice commands for the people listed in my memmory card.Voice commands enables the phone to dial the person's number without you keying in his numbers.I love stuff like that. So i shied out into a corner
and started issueing the assigned codenames!

HEIL HITLER! ...for my beloved spouse

KATO GAGO!..... for our driver who always get's the directions wrong.

GRISHNAK!......for Selina's yaya!

HERR DOCTOR! ...for my sister

SCHNELL STRUDELS!...for Elsie my gym buddy

FLEX MENTALLO FOR bONG MY GYM INSTRUCTOR.

KUNTA KINTE!... for my production assitant

CRY HAVOC! ...for any of my students

ACHTUNG PANZER ...FOR ANY OF MY RIDING BUDDIES

YUM!YUM!...for food establishments

MRS DEAGOL!..for our secretary

CONSTRUCTICONS!..for the carpenter.



I love barking orders and codenames! I'm going to leaf thru my stuff to come up with interesting codenames for all the numbers I have in my memory.

Yesterday I accompanied Cess to watch the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. This was my second viewing and I wasn't very pleased.

FLIM: " The first time I watched it, I had myself branded like a fucking cow in the morning so I can accompany you when you decide to watch in the evening.

Cattle branding occurs when they stamp your arm with a violet like pigment by the ticket collector when you want to go out of the movie and have intentions of coming back.In Robinsons cinemas they brand you on particular arm. Cinema one brands you on the right and cinema 2 brands you on the left.I havent watched in the other cinemas to know which part of the body they will brand you on. To those who want to be branded a word of advise.Have them brand you on the upper shoulder so that it wont wash away when you wash your hands.

FLIM:" but did you want to watch on that day? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So what do I do? I dont take a bath for two days hoping that you would decide to watch it within those days."

CESS: " I don't understand all of this? "

FLIM: " I didn't take a bath so my cattle brand wont get erased and I can come back to the movie house without paying!So I don't have to pay twice for a movie I have ALREADY SEEN!Key emphasis ON already seeeennnnnnnnnnn!!!!"

CESS: " Ohh.."

FLIM: " So what happens? On the day I do decide to take a bath, by some planetary alignment you DECIDE THAT you want TO WATCH THE MOVIE! So Now I END UP PAYING TWICE!There by nullifying the two bathless days I had to go thru."

CESS: " Well you did enjoy the movie. And you have this habit of watching movies again and again."

FLIM: " Ahh yes but that was before the advent of dvd piracy. Now I can only just watch once and then wait a couple of months and I can own a superb copy for 65 pesos."

CESS: " Well I want to watch league in the big screen."

FLIM: " can't we just watch BAD BOYS 2 instead? I haven't watched it."

CESS: " I hate BAD BOYS 1 and I will certainly hate BAD BOYS 2."

FLIM: " But you HAVEN'T SEEN BAD BOYS 1! "

CESS: " Because I dont like cussing! WHICH REMINDS ME, I heard SELINA say BITCH today! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER WATCH that VULGAR CARTOON"

FLIM: " LOOK! EVENTUALLY OUR KID WOULD LEARN TO SAY BITCH!IF SHE'S GOING TO LEARN HOW TO CUSS IT WOULD BE BETTER, UNDER PARENTAL SUPERVISION! "

We walk to the cinemas. I espy the latest PIXAR FLICK

FLIM: " How about LITTLE NEMO? We both haven't seen LITTLE NEMO."

CESS: " I'm in no mood to watch a cartoon. I want to watch live people.I want to see the real NEMO Not computer generated fish! "

FLIM: " But the voices belong to live people."

She shots me a menacing look.What can I do? So I shell out 120 pesos and entered the League theater.On second viewing I noticed the plot holes.

IF NEMO's car is a prototype how come SAWYER can drive it like a maniac? And that's the first time he rode in it. When the original League members were driven by ISHMAEL to Dorian Gray's building, Sawyer wasnt even inside. He was tailing them from behind. And what would he use to follow the car's fast accelaration? Maybe a very fast donkey!

Then we have DORIAN GRAY stealing the mini sub of the Nautilus. How did he do that? Well he hanged out around the galleys with IShmael who stopped whatever he was doing and taught him the forward and pivot controls!But the best part ,Cess spotted!

CESS: " I see Mina going berserk when she see's blood. even her own. So how can you maintain a sense of propriety when nursing to the NAUTILUS crew who were injured during the Venice Fiasco? "

FLIM: " But it's mindless fun isn't it? "

CESS: " And the Nautilus can't fit thru the canals of Venice! "

FLIM: " It can! "

CESS: " You've never been to Venice."

FLIM: " Ohhh..right I forgot. Well excuse me MADAME BOVARY, Not everyone inside this theater has been to VENICE, with you as the exception.And to correct you, I HAVE A FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE OF VENICE."

CESS:"But you haven;t been there and you never walked the .."

FLIM: " Have you played TOMB RAIDER 2? I know every inch of that city."


I still dont understand why I liked it even when it was stupid in some places.May because I grew up on these characters.I know all of them and read them when I was a kid and seeing them all in one movie is like...the ultimate cross over! So I dont care if it does have plotholes that you can druive the NAUTILUS in... I still love VICTORIAN SUPERMEN! They are educated and exhudes ENGLISH COCKINESS!

Or maybe I liked it because of the advance word of mouth. If a movie is rumored to be bad then you're expectations are pretty low so when you come in , you're pretty defenceless.Like T3. I heard it was really bad but when I saw it , I was floored!if this is a new marketingploy then it's pretty ballsy!because A lot of people would STAY AWAY FROM A BAD MOVIE!

" She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednsday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a superkinkamayamayabeeatch
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean 'ol bitch and she has stupid hair
She's a big big big big big big bitch "

Now I have done it. Selina's addicted to the SOUTH PARK DVD.The last three weeks was spent with SOUTH PACIFIC being played every single morning.Now it's SOUTH PARK. She seems to like the songs with the major cussing factors! Can't blame her tho. The best catchy tunes all involve Cuss words. Now if only Cess wont hear it as much.

Selina has been strangely fixated with movie musicals. Everytime she enters the editing room she carries with her her dvds of WINNIE THE PHOO, ROBIN HOOD, SHRECK, and SOUTH PACIFIC. She really loves the HAPPY SONG and , " THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME" For my part I enjoy watching her mimic the song and dance routine.But there's more to life than Roger and Hammerstein and WALT DISNEY. So I slipped in SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE. In no time at all She was singing, ' KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG FAT BITCH , SHE'S A BIG FAT BITCH IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD"

Of course when Cecile found out she ripped my head off.My arguement is that they were just words! Words that colour the world in a certain tinge. In fact cussing displays the clairty and emotional dept of a word ins a very concise form.
Consider a world without cuss words.

IN A CUSSLESS WORLD

HUSBAND: " Honey I had a terrible day at work. My assistant didn't do his job the way he was supposed to do. I had to do double work just to fill up his shortcommings."

WORLD OF CUSSINGS

HUSBAND: " HON, THAT STUPID FUCKING ASST FUCKED UP AGAIN AND I HAD TO SAVE HIS FUCKING ASS!!

Of course that arguement didn't hold water for my wife and she then proceeded to bash my fucking head in.In full view of the baby. I guess Its ok to bludgeon someone to death , just dont use foul language.


I tried to play my original SUPERMAN DVD on my pioneer dvd player and the chapter where SUPERMAN confronts his Father and is given a lecture as to why he should have a secret identity went POOF! PIXILATED and lost the soundtrack. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE THAT?YOU SPEND 1,500 PESOS to buy an original and it gets busted just like that. It doesnt even have scrathes and I have not lent it to anyone. SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING EXPLANATION? NOTHING! NEIN!

A friend of mine once said that the Universe abhors perfection. He said that when I just bought my motorcycle and in the first few minutes I fell down and scrathed up my perfect tanks. I agree. The UNIVERSE HATES PERFECTION. And every second it will maim , scrath, dent,rust up and wrinkle, your prized comicbooks,your dvd collection, your priceless records, and your mint toys.

The funny part is THE UNIVERSE knows what you treasure the most and it will stick it's malicous fingers right towards it!

Case in point, a friend of mine let his SANDMAN collection in his house.( If I heard the tale correctly.) These are the priceless individual issues. He left it in a box and when he opened it after a couple of years , he discovers much to his regret, the termites have feasted on it. COVER TO COVER. It didnt eat his JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA bY Griffin and MATHEIAS which he found casually amusing but went for his other Vertigo titles as well.

I had a pair of state of the art NIKE running shoes. I bought it and used it occasionally. After a few months I think I just used it up 5 times at the most. On my sixth wear, the soles crumbled beneath my feet.

When my brand new wide angle lens came in( which cost me a hefty sum.) I used it immediately on the WASTED MOVIE.My actor's corrosive saliva gave it a wet foamy kiss. Dribblets all over the place. i took a clean cloth and wiped the sirface gently. A long gnash of a scrath appeared in the lower side.

It's things like this that make you want to sit down and drool like an idiot.

Anyway the moral of the lesson I think is. NEVER BUY ORIGINAL DVDS! THeY COST MORE AND HEY BREAK DOWN TO WITH NO APPARENT REASON.BUY PIRATED DVDS. At least it would only cost you 65 pesos and when it breaks you can get another one. Try making the same arguement over a 1,500 peso dvd.

ARCHIVE IN THE MORNING! ARCHIVING IN THE EVENING! Doing four different versions of a film that should have been finished isn't my idea of a good time. So I hop my way to Robinsons to watch LEAGUE.I didn;t have any high expectations because I have been forewarned by critical reviews on line.Not to mention the terrible trailer and horrible lobby pictures.

I don't know if it was because I watched at 10 in the morning and my brain wasn't functioning on full trottle but...DAMN I LIKE IT!

In fact I liked it more than XMEN2.Well that's not much of a stretch because I didn't like xmen 2!The only thing that was notable in that movie was the time when MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE were huddled together like two queens comparing makeup secrets and nail polishing tricks.

But I'm a fan of ALAN MOORE'S LEAGUE.But this film wasn't really the comic book plot.And I knew that coming in.So how come I liked it? Strangely enough words fail me.I just got a kick out of the NAUTILUS rising out from below the london docks. And imagine my surprise when I discovered that the poster did not do justice to the actual model. It doesnt look like a world war2 submarine as I thought it would be. It looked like a SCHIMITAR, which fits the vessel that NEMO calls THE SWORDOF THE OCEAN.( I still think that KEVIN's original design of the NAUTILUS in the comic book is cooler.)The fight scenes weren't as bad as what I saw in the trailer.

However I have two main complaints. Let's start with the american addition, TOM SAWYER. He should have been shot in the first place. I know they needed a younger member so that CONNERY'S QUARTERMAIN would have a surrogate son but the actor who played SAWYER was utterly horrible!He looks terribly out of place.

My next concern is the fight scene with QUARTERMAIN and PROFESSOR MORIARTY.( Anyone who's going to bitch about me spoiling the real identity of M should have his entire bloodline lobotimized!Who else would M be in a VICTORIAN era whos- who brawl?)

For someone who is called the ultimate nemesis of SHERLOCK HOLMES, MORIARTY just acted like a common thug fending off the attacks of CONNERY than the super genuis that he really is. That was very disappionting. but what do you expect when an AMERICAN MTV director handles BRITAIN'S Literary crown jewels?

Read this from SUPERO H

" Keanu Reeves' next action hero won't have Neo's steady Zen-like calm, but it was the fiery passion that made the role of Hellblazer so attractive, according to the "Matrix" star.

"[It's] his anger. He's angry, but he's got a good heart," Reeves said recently of the comic book badass, whose real name is John Constantine.

In the "Hellblazer" comic, which is aimed at a savvy adult audience, Constantine is an Englishman with occult powers who is both a liar and a cheat and yet nevertheless often prone to doing the right thing.

Reeves said he hopes to get moving on the big-screen adaptation, which will be called simply "Constantine," as soon as September. Warner Bros. has long labored to get the DC/Vertigo comic into theaters, with Nicolas Cage at one time attached to the role before Reeves landed the job. The film will mark the feature film debut of video director Francis Lawrence, whose résumé includes clips for Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and P.O.D. "

Hollywood just screwed up ALAN MOORE'S ass after what they did to LEAGUE. The sperm juice hasn't even dried up yet and now they're going to bang him up some more. It doesnt take a genuis to figure out why CONSTANTINE will never work.

First off, KEANU REEVES. I mean that's it! Just that name! And this isnt a minor miscasting flub. Constantine is the ultimate cool magician of the Dc Universe. He is BRITISH! There's no way around that. And Reeves despite his limited acting ability, cannot pull it off.

Watch DRACULA and listen to him speak with a British accent.Reeves is perfect for one dimensional roles where the main requirement is for him to stand up and look puzzled.

Originally concieved as a minor character in SWAMP THING, Constantine was so popular that He got his own spinoff series.Moore under the prodding of Totelben and Bisste his co-creators in SWAMPY created the nickel and dime shit magician using STING as the visual template.

Based on what Reeves said about CONSTANTINE it is apparent that he does not know what he is talking about.What motivates JOHN CONSTANTINE isn't anger.He's just a complete Bastard! The ultimate son of a bitch! And that's why he's so cool! But trust Hollywood to fuck it up. They always do.

The second accident is the director. Again we have a music video director at the helm. Mtv directors are good for 3 minute shorts where the content is not the main ingredient. Sure you have fancy visuals and all those slow motion , computer graphics , exploding glass smitherins coming on to your face at 130 miles per second. BUT HELL BLAZER isnt about that!

Its about the dark side of the human condition.Most of the time the demons are more of his own making.Its a gritty noiorsh looking number and they should have gotten someone like William friedkin or Martin Scorcese to do it.
The film is being produced by Richard Donner's wife and that makes it doubly unforgivable. Because richard Donner is the only one who made an ultimate Comic book movie that worked. And still works to this day! SUPERMAN!

I saw some of the images of this new BATMAN short film and by the look of it, seems preety amazing. The costume is staright out of DARK KNIGHT returns and ALEX ROSS's War on crime.But the fan crowd is divided into two. Some really love it while the other half hated it. The subject of the contention was that the dialogue between BATMAN and The JOKER was totally bad and that the ALIEN creature and The PREDATOR appearance was over kill! I can't comment since I have not seen the thing.Since the whole thing was intended as a demo reel for the director,then the audience should just appreciate the spirit in which it was made.

Personally I love the suit. Was never too keen on the BAT NIPPLES of SCHUMACHER. And I never really went for the BAT PADDINGS either. When Tim Burton defended his choice of Michael Keaton , he threw in the padded muscles because his reason was that he wanted BRUCE WAYNE to be an everyday man who the public wouldn't suspect is THE BATMAN.What a lame excuse. As if the suit could fool people that it was his actual physique.

Bruce Wayne became muscular and big because he dedicated his life to the spartan discipline of honing his body into a leathal fighting machine. And Burton's depiction of a bespectaled Bruce Wayne was more an accurate portrayal of CLARK KENT not the Dark Knight's alter ego.

Strangely enough among all the three actors who recently played BATMAN. It was Keaton I favored the most. Burton was right in saying that there's something menacing with KEATON's eyes when he's wearing the cowl.

Keaton should have just enrolled ina six month body building course under DAVE ( DARTH VADER ) PROWSE just like what CHRIS REEVE did when he prepared for SUPERMAN. but those were the days.

I remember a time when DE NIRO bulked up fifty pounds to play JAKE LAMOTTA for RAGING BULL and he lost it again to do the lean years.What a feat. Reeves when he was first tapped to play SUPERMAN was a thin and whimpy guy but after PROWSE was thru with him, he looked like THE MAN OF STEEL.

Then there was STALLONE beefing up for ROCKY III and then cutting up for RAMBO FIRST BLOOD IIIt was so effective in the box office that when STALLONE directed TRAVOLTA for STAYING ALiVE ( SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2 )he trained TONY MANERO to be cut and lean.

But now we dont see that discipline in action. You want to cast a nerd looking actor to be a superhero,NO PROBLEM. Just design the suit with lots of padding and an armoured look,THERE YOU GO.

I realy hate it when filmmakers reinvent the costumes of superheros. That was the main beef I had with DAREDEVIL.Putting that collar like he was a grovy discoteque king was a real cop out. Elecktra looked like a female wrestler.Everyone does black leather and armour nowadays. That's why I love this BATMAN suit.Its nostalgic.

I just hope that they make a film version of DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. And they better get ADAM WEST to play BATMAN.That would be something to see. Well if not him then CLINT EASTWOOD would do just fine.Then again how about CHARLTON HESTON. " PUT YOUR DAMN DIRTY PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN JOKER! "


TOMB RAIDER EYUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

Cecile dragged me to the new LARA CROFT MOVIE. I really protested to high heavens because I hate the director. JAN DE BONTis such a HACK! He is a second unit direcotr who's main specialty is blowing things up with four or five camera's running at 8 times their regular speed.

Cecile: " It would be great. Its going to be exciting."

FLIM: " He's a 2nd unit direcotr. His job is to shoot insert shoots of gun clips falling on the floor in slow-motion.How interesting could it be? Besides any idiot knows that the cradel of life is in AFRICA SO WHY DO THEY ACT SURPRISE TO DISCOVER THAT IT IS IN AFRICA? "

Cecile: " We'll wed get to see ANGELINA JOLIE and she's gorgeous."

I look at my wife for a minute.

FLIM: " I guess this is a girl thing. Why do you need me there anyway? "

15 minutes into the movie I was proven right. Tomb Raider as a game worked because it ws a parody of INDIANA JONES in a gaming platform. But as a movie , parodies dont have a long shelf life. And i hate the script. The expositionary dialogue can be written by a grade schooler.

On the way out I saw a movie display for THE LEAGUE OF EX- GENTLEMEN.

CECILE: " Well LARA CROFT was a bad movie but ANGELINA was pretty."

FLIM: " I just wasted 120 bucks on a stupid movie that I knew was going to be stupid. I should have just bought pirated dvds instead."

CECILE: " Well the League looks good."

FLIM: " Sorry to disappoint you but it looks even worst!They included TOM SAWYER who is an AMERICAN into the mix and also DORIAN GRAY who wasnt in the comic book in the first place. They should have just added WIFLRED OF IVANHOE and LORD GREYSTOKE. And look at the NAUTILUS. IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING MODERN DAY SUBMARINE from OPERATION PETTY COAT."

Cecile: " Yes it doesnt look victorian in design."

FLIM:" Have you seen their fight scenes. All of that Honk Kong wire trick stihck shit again. It really looks out of place."

A pretty worthless movie night out. I went home and slipped on FRIDA. I enjoyed the movie.Maybe because she's a tortured soul who isn't playing a tortured soul.

QUARTER GIVEN-IV

‘ I thought I was poisoned? “

The devil fondled his horn and looked at me pensively. “ Before you were poisoned. She offered your death to the Demon, TALOS. It seems that your girl friend is a black witch adept.”

“ What can I say? I sure know how to pick em.” Did I say that out loud?

I then stamped my foot and said, “ So what? How can I avenge myself and why the hell are you so interested in helping me out? “

The room suddenly folded itself and my living room transformed into a yawning cave hole. There was a giant arch with stone heads adorning it with the words…

“ ABANDON YE ALL HOPE…”

“ Don’t believe that crock of shit! It’s just to scare off nosey tourist and stupid bystanders! “

We entered the door way and saw what seemed like a thousand feet drop. There was a brilliant flashing light at the bottom and a noise that sounded like a hundred voices singing some high school rhyme.

“ This is home! “ The devil sighed and he grabbed my arm as we plunged into infinity!

At the bottom was a someone who seemed like a doorman. He was around d twelve feet tall.

“ Where’s your tickets? “ He grumbled.

I scratched my head. “ Wait a minute I thought that HELL was open to everyone.”

“ YOU THOUGHT WRONG, FREAK! Its invitational “ His tail slapped my face.

“ He’s with me.” The devil inclined his neck to the left.

The doorman inspected the horns of the devil.” This is just a temporary pass. You used it up the last time.”

“ Well I was kinda busy. I’ll have a new one engraved as soon as I can.”

He grudgingly let us in. I never expected in a million years to see what I saw when I entered HELL. It was like a giant disco party. Flashing lights and flames leaping out from below. The sweating bodies of men and women as they danced and gyrated to the sounds of a rhythm that came from the center of the earth. Food and drinks flowed in abundance. Waiters were everywhere flapping their wings as they swerve refreshment upon refreshment.

“ Shocking isn’t it? No one’s really prepared for what HELL is. I tell you if everyone knew then there would be no contest. Up there…” the devil pointed with his tail, “ They live a very docile existence. Slow clouds scratching green mountains with their lazy fingertips and all that shit. One of the main activities they have is watching flowers bloom. I’m not kidding. But down here…down here it’s always a HOT TIME! “

Of course it being hell I saw millions of demons of all shapes and sizes. Some had four or more horns. Others have horns that touch the ceiling of the cavern. While others are littered with horns all over their bodies. I ask my companion why certain demons have certain horns.

“ Ughh. Don’t mind that. It’s a CASTE system. The bigger the horn, the more powerful the rank. Certain horns are given access to places that normal demons can’t even enter.
It’s like a key. Well to be precise certain doors here in HELL can be opened with the horn itself. And despite what you read, the horns are detachable. It’s useful when you’re on a mission of subterfuge. But be wary. You lose the horns. You lose your ticket to going back.”


One of the waiters landed beside me and said, “ Do you want a Whiff of BRIMSTONE?”

I nodded and he bowed his head. The tip of his horn almost upon my nostril. I looked at my companion and he urged me on. I then held the tip and snorted. It was like a punch in the face and my brain reeled.

“ Nasty bite. “ The devil caught me by the arm and led me into the center well.

I don’t know what I took but it made my toes tingle and I felt I was walking on naked bodies of pregnant women. When I looked down, I realized that I was, indeed walking on the naked bodies of pregnant women.

“ By the way you can stop alluding to me as the devil. My real name is ASOMODAS. I’m a PIT LORD of the SEVENTH CIRCLE.” My companion whispered into my ear.

I didn’t make any sign of understanding what he said. I was too busy concentrating on the swelling bellies below me.

“ Don’t mind them. They are the SELF ABORTING MOTHERS! They get off on this kind of things. Now do you see that big cavern to the left of the sea of white vapors? That’s the INFERNAL records room. That’s our stop. I must retrieve your records and have them processed in the Well of despair. After that you’ll be given clearance to descended into the inner circle.”

I scratched my head, “ Meaning? “

Asomodas smiled, “ You’ll be given an audience to the house of INFERNAL LORDS where you make the deal.”

“ Is there going to be a long line? I hate long lines! “ I replied.

Asomodas just shook his head, “ Don’t we all.”

There was a small boat at the edge of the swelling belly landscape and an old man sat on the bow. He was nibbling on a piece of bone like a toothpick and as soon as he saw us he spat it out and wiped the grease from his hands.

“ You’re running low on recruits. If I were your employers I would have terminated your status and cast you back to being a lowly second class poltergeist.” He cackled.

Asomodas threw his head back, trying to impale the old man with one of his horns.

“ AW SHUT UP YOU FUCK! “ He then threw three pieces of gold coins into the old man’s foot and pointed towards the hall.

The old man smiled at me and started to push the staff that was immersed into the dark cold waters.

“ That’s Charon, the ferryman. Don’t mind him. He likes to verbally assault anyone within hearing distance. He hates me specially because I sunk his boat twenty five times in the past.” Asomodas whispered to me.

Charon grabbed his horns and slammed his knee into the demon’s face. “ By the way thanks for reminding me. That’s one I owe you!”

A scuffle started and within a few seconds the two combatants were tearing each other apart. The boat threatened to sink and I clutched the prow with both hands. I was afraid of drowning. That was what the fortuneteller told me I was going to die of. Much of my adult life was spent on dry land. Funny how everything turned out.

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY HORNS! YOU’LL TIP US OVER! “

“ I CAN SWIM SONNY BOY, HOW ABOUT YOU? ““

I HATE WATER! I HATE IT! “

“ I KNOW! “

I injected myself in between them, “ Stop it, both of you! We’re nearly there. What’s this really all about?”

Charon and Asomodos just looked at me. There was a momentary silence and then..they were both at it again. Soon we keeled over. I mean the entire boat keeled over. I never felt the kind of coldness that surrounded me as I hit the waters.

QUARTER GIVEN-III

He started to talk but my mind drifted away. Nina poisoned me! I was dead! I WAS GOING TO HELL!
I was poisoned by somebody I thought, loved me. I’m dead but I still feel alive. I’m going to hell so I must have lived a horrible life. But I DIDN’T! I gave alms to the poor! Every Sunday on my way to Church I gave to this old lady with the broken arm with the dented milk can! I gave a lot when the donation hat was passed hand-to-hand thru the aisles.I went to SUNDAY MASS! EVERY SUNDAY! I EVEN WENT ON DAYS THAT WEREN’T SUNDAY! I OBSERVED THE BLESSED SACRAMENTS AND ALL THOSE OTHER SPECIAL DAYS! I even walked around like an idiot for a day with that stupid ash mark on my head every ASH WEDNESDAY just to ensure that I’d go to that Beautiful white CASTLE in the air! AND NOW I GET THIS!

I should have just stayed at home and watched TV instead of sweating and standing in those overcrowded services where priests would talk about things that they only read in books! I should have fucked other women when Nina wasn’t available! Should have committed adultery and every sin that I could have indulged in at the time!

LIFE IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR! EVEN IN DEATH!

Then my thoughts went to NINA. Our relationship wasn’t going very well for the past six weeks. There were fights over small things. What channel to watch? What to eat? What to wear on her friend’s parties? I can’t even have a normal conversation with her because somewhere along the line, we’d argue over something and then it would be a full-scale war! So I avoided talking to her. I’d just lock myself in the library and read and read. Can’t watch TV that’s her territory, the living room. So an invisible demarcation line was drawn. Did it ensure peace? NO! We still slept in the same bed. Now that was another battleground!

“ We don’t talk anymore? “ She’d say in between puffs of smoke.

I’d pretend that I was asleep. But she’d blow it in my face.

“ I ‘m just avoiding arguments. I don’t want to argue with you.” I’d mumbled.

“ How can we communicate when we don’t talk? “

“ Can you please not smoke in bed. I have asmath and it bothers me when you smoke in bed.” I replied.

“ I smoke when I’m stressed out.”

“ NO! You smoke because you love smoking. You smoke before breakfast. You smoke during breakfast. You even smoke while YOU’RE CHEWING! “

I slammed the pillow as I clicked the light open.

“ YOU KNEW I SMOKED EVEN BEFORE YOU FIRST FUCKED ME! SO DON’T GET ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY WITH ME!” She flicked the stick and reached for the pack.

“ BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU SMOKED EVEN WHEN YOU SLEPT!” I tried to control my anger but once the beast was loose…. it was loose!

I stood up and shook my head.

“ Do you know how it’s like to kiss someone who smoked as much as you do? I can even taste what kind of cigarettes you had. On Mondays you have that menthol after taste. Which isn’t so bad because I like mint but when you smoke the. …It’s like French kissing a muffler! THAT’S WHY I NO LONGER KISS YOU! “

Her eyes flared up. Its ok if I criticized her cooking because she knows she’s not good at it. It’s all right with her if I don’t like the books she reads because it is common knowledge she loves JERRY KOZINSKI. BUT never ever talk about her smoking habits! That’s the big SIN!

“ Its easy to hide behind a cigarette when you’re dick’s as big! You don’t kiss me anymore because you don’t feel like it. Not because of this smoking crap! I remember days when ‘we’d do it for hours and I’d smoke in between and it doesn’t stop you from clamping your tongue into mine! YOU DON’T KISS ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GET IT UP! “ She lit another one and smiled like a cat.

Of course that wasn’t true. I was horny as ever. It’s just that I just…can’t with her. Just the sight of her makes me… I don’t know. I slept inside the library that night. With WAR AND PEACE as my pillow.

Should have known that something was a foot when she cooked me breakfast. Or was it dinner? She was all smiles and asking for forgiveness. I thought everything was dead and buried as I gobbled up the salmon. How many people had salmon for breakfast? That should have tipped me off as well.

I was shooked out of my reverie by a shove. The devil pointed towards the kitchen and said. “ She did the ritual over there.”

“ RITUAL? What RITUAL? “

“ THE RITUAL OF TALOS.” He snorted.

I was about to ask why when he brutally cut me off.

“ Its an old trick that the priests of KNOSSOS used to to do during the year of POSEIDON. I don’t want to go into that. It’s kind of sick if you ask me. Involves all kind of ritualistic bullshit. From disemboweling to summonings and spitting into coffee mugs.”

‘ I thought I was poisoned? “