BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF CELL PHONES PART I

Two weeks ago my cell phone was stolen in Comic quest, Mega mall branch. With the amount of cells disappearing there it has become the BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF CELL PHONES. You go in with your cell in your hand and then there’s a white cloud that surrounds you while the lost transmissions of the men from flight 19 echoes in your head. White flash! Then your cell is gone. I guess its partly my fault for placing it on the counter (Shouldn’t be too greedy and put the entire blame on the snatcher) But then again I never thought that anyone would be interested in a badly beaten up 6150. When I shop in Muslims stalls I just leave it on the counter and they even hand it back to me. (Goes to show that the Muslims are more straightforward then their Christian counterparts.)

Even the shop owner Vinnie was not spared such a vicious attack. His cell was swiped by a young female customer,months ago. Actually the best part about my cell vanshing from sight was watching the multiple reactions of the people around me! They had this look, which can only be described as “ Ummm gee we’re really sorry but the only thing that we retrieved from the wreckage was the left toe. And consider yourself lucky .You should see the BLACK BOX.” Made a mental note to never be around these people in moments of disaster. Better cultivate the acquaintance of a priest.

I was really upset and I muttered something that this was the first time something of mine got stolen. But Vinnie reminded me that someone in the shop also stole 3,000 pesos worth of THE SEXMEN COMIC BOOKS so I shouldn’t feel too bad. Oh yeah right! I forgot. NOW I FELL ABSOLUTELY PEACHY!

At least Dave Endrigan was there. Great guy. He told me that He’d help me hunt down the culprit in every nook and cranny. Hell I knew that it was impossible to catch the BITCH! (Yes the thief was a 13-year-old girl. Be careful they travel in packs.) The thought of catching her and throwing her in the police station to be later raped by a gang of fat cops sent Goosebumps thru me, OHHH YEAH!!!!

While walking around I borrowed Dave’s cell phone and started texing mine,

" YOU FUCKING CHEAP SLUT. BETTER RETURN MY PHONE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH HERE. IM AN EX-CIA OPERATIVE AND I INSTALLED A SATELLITE TRACKING DEVICE. I KNOW WHERE YOU
ARE AT THIS VERY MOMENT. IM JUST TOO LAZY TO PURSUE. BEEN WALKING ALL DAY. ANYWAY BRING BACK MY CELL AND WE CAN FORGET THE WHOLE THING!"

No reply.

Tried another message.

“RETURN THE CELL AND I’LL GIVE YOU A THOUSAND PESOS FOR YOUR PRODIGIOUS TALENTS. WE HAVE NEED OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE AGENCY? WE PAY IN DOLLARS. STILL CONVERTIBLE TO PESOS".

Still no reply.

Ok then. Kid’s gloves are off.

" YOU FUCKING WHORE! BRING BACK MY CELL PHONE OR I PROMISED TO WIPE OUT YOUR ENTIRE GENE LINE. I’LL HAVE YOU DEAD! YOUR FATHER DEAD! YOUR MOTHER! YOU’RE DOG! YOU’RE STUPID SCHOOLTEACHER! I HOPE YOU MARRY AN IMPREMATURE EJACULATOR WHO COMES ON YOUR FACE EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!"

Still no reply.

Dave mentions that she probably doesn’t even understand English. Try bad mouthing her in tagalog.

I told him that tagalog cussing is so uncouth! Id rather curse her in English. Besides my tagalog cussing vocabulary is limited to a few words. Mostly refers to the female genetalia and something about the smell of her ass.

We continued our search for the thief.

I remember her face. Full of grease and pimples. You know the kind. Frizzy hair. Too cheap to even have it bonded. Or maybe my cell phone would pay for the bonding. That would be great. I’ll spy her over the parlor and haul her sweaty butt thru that newly bonded hair and into the lusty hands of the cops!!!

2 hours later. We gave up. Well I knew that the endeavor was doomed from the start but it was a great way of using up all that excess energy one suddenly acquires when he realizes that his cell phone was stolen.

Went to the security officers of the mall and asked them to seal off the area. So we can conduct a bag-to-bag search. The officer said that it was impossible. He asked me if I realized how many people there were. I told him, no I didn’t. Because I came from a town where malls are unheard of and where people don’t get things that aren’t theirs.
He asked me to just look on some mug shots. I told him that I was searching for a thief and not talent scouting! Gave him a rise!

GOOD! STUPID BASTARD SHOULDN’T EVEN BE COMMANDING THE LOURVE!

He said that the best he can do is call me when they apprehend someone. I told him to call me on Valentines Day too because I get awfully lonely.

Dave was laughing hard. I told him to shut up. Our game is too intimidate the idiot into doing something. Dave tells me that officer doesn’t even seem to understand sarcasm.

Good Point!

So I went home, cell-less. I felt abused by a 13-year-old girl. The officer gave me one important information. That I can have the cell blocked! If I only knew that serial number and A POLICE REPORT to prove that it was STOLEN!

On the way home the driver told me that I should just let it be. Let the almighty take care of her.HMMP! With all respect to the almighty I’d rather have the satisfaction of punishing her myself! EARTHBOUND STYLE!

When I got home I prepared all the papers that I would need and tried to relax over the weekend.

I couldn’t. The image of my 6150 kept flying overhead while I slept. Crying out,

"WHY DID YOU LET THAT STINKY 13 YEAR OLD GRAB ME FROM BEHIND?
DIDN’T I SERVE YOU WELL? I WAS A GIFT . IS THIS THE WAY YOU TREAT GIFTS? JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T SHELL OUT ANY MONEY YOU TREAT IT AS SUCH? WHY? WHY? WHY? “

I woke up screaming, " I SHALL AVENGE YOU!!!!! “

Looked around. It was Sunday afternoon.

“‘ I SHALL AVENGE YOU.. I SWEAR IT! “


Took my Black STEALTH FIGHTER to a nearby precinct. Declared myself to the duty officer as a person whose cell was wrongfully taken from him.

The Policeman scratched his stomach and handed me a pen and threw a dilapidated notebook in front of me, “ Write the incident there.” He was naked from above the waist

Took the greasy pen and told him that it happened in MEGA MALL.

Burps once and informs me that I should go to the precinct there. It’s not part of his jurisdiction.

Just then a stray goat comes inside and looks at me. Was expecting a punch line to come out of its mouth. But since its evident that this is not my weekend. He just bleated. Took my helmet and saluted the goat. At least I know who’s in charge of that precinct.

Went to the police station near MEGA. Slapped my forehead for forgetting to bring grass for the duty officer. But was shocked to find a fully dressed and functioning policemen.

Not only that, the desk officer motioned me to sit down and narrate what happened while he took down my sob story with a typewriter. No greasy pens there! A far cry from GOAT CITY.

He even has polished shoes. Anyway He told me that the chance of recovering the cell phone is really nil. I said that I’m not hoping to get it back. I JUST WANT THE BASTARD WHO STOLE IT! AND IF I CAN’T HAVE MY CELL THEN NO ONE CAN USE IT! IM HAVING IT BLOCKED! I just need the copy of the police report so I can go to the TELECOM center and have it neutralized for ALL TIME!

He nods and asks if they apprehend a girl fitting my description, what would I like to do?

“ PUNCH HER SILLY, TILL ALL THE PIMPLES FROM HER GREASY FACE HAVE BEEN FLATTENED!”

He nods and tells me that it’s good. He then shares his deepest regrets about being a policeman. How they apprehend criminals and then the victims don’t have time to press charges. Like the time they caught a snatcher by the highway. The woman whose bag was snatched didn’t even go to the precinct because she was late for an appointment and they had to let the snatcher go and chances are he’d do it again.

I said, “AW NOT THIS COSTUMER! I WANT VENGEANCE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!”

Policeman smiles and tells me that it does his heart good to see a law-abiding citizen wanting to exact his pound of flesh. He briefs me that when they do catch a female snatcher, they’d call me up. And I can come over and identify her. If she’s the one then
I’d give a signal and one of the policeman would stumble and I can then rush in and give her a blow or two or as many as I can get in before they “ restrain me”

I said why do we have to go thru this MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT?

Policeman says, “ We can’t just let you punch her. We get a lot of negative critiscms
when the people see on TV how the suspects are kicked by their victims. If it happened to them they’d do exactly what the victims do.”

DAMN STRAIGHT!

After finishing the report he then tells me to relax and he’d just go and Xerox the thing so I can take it with me to the TELECOM building. He takes leave of his commanding officer and walks out.

NOW THERE GOES A REAL COP! Not a hillbilly with a Billy goat! A REAL COP




TO BE CONTINUED