ARMY OF SPAMS

There are so many ways to cook spam.I think I've tried them all.Spam is not a member of the front liners in my cupboard. Its stacked waayyyyy back. A contingency plan when the meal for the day is not of my liking. It's beside the PORTUGESE sardine, spiced well. Its beside the Pink salmon sardines which i can fry with my special secret sauce. and the ever present Corned beef with its own secret ingredient of horse meat.

Well I Burnt myself yesterday while cooking slices of spam on the pan. The hot boiling oil popped out and hit me in the leg!The burnt mark turned dark red! DAMN FUCKING SPAM! Should have opted for MALINGinstead. Wouldnt have been cooking that shit but Cecile wanted chicken fettucine! I hate any pasta with white sauce! THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME FART!

One time I was in UWVE SCHMELTER's house parties.( The then german head of the GOETHE INSTITUE)Old SCHMELTS was very supportive of filipino artists and many filmmakers benefited from the German's art programs. Filmmakers were a constant visitor in his house at VALLE VERDE. He was also a brilliant violinist and he had that pasta served. I took a few bites and was talking to one of the german cellist.( She was cute and I do remember that she was a cellist. ) When I suddenly let loose a loud,wet one.

FLIM: " So I believe that certain aromas no matter how offensive they may smell , actually ignites our libido in some subliminal level.

CELLIST: "VONDEVAR! "

She seemed to love my segue. So I persued her deep into enemy territory.

FLIM: " Are you aware that we have natural scents that attract the opposite sex and we mask our natural scents with perfumes that were extracted from animal phermones? "

CELLIST: " Das veri interiesting. Ver did you vear it, mein herr? "

FLIM: " Read it from Desmond Morris."

I felt another one comming. DAMN THE FETUCCINES!!She let one by easily. I doubt she'll let this one off.But if I leave her , chances are the other filmmakers would do a beehive on her.They were already circling like a band of hungry piranhas looking for an opening.

POOOOOTTTTTTT!

FLIM: " WHO DID THAT ? THAT'S ATROCIOUS? "

Cellist manages a snicker as I tried looking around ,tryong to determine the identity of the farting culprit.

FLIM: " Forgive me madame but it seems that fettucine does not suit tropical climates such as the one we have here."

There was another incident in a THESIS defence where Fetucinne was served.I was part of the defence panel and I told myself," Ok YOU WANT ME GOING NAGASAKI WITH MY ASS IN THIS SMALL AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM, SO BE...IT!"

And I proceeded to eat a ton of the white cream.

After lunch , the proceedings went on. Halfway into their presentation. I felt the familiar sensation.

Oh boy this is going to be...a BIG ONE!

Bigger than a tsunnami....

More volcanic than KRAKATOA and VESUVUIS.

I scanned the faces of the innocent audience and other panelist. Was this how the people of POMPEI looked before the upheaval? Caught up with their day to day routines that they never stopped to think that this very second will be their last to breathe clean air in a socially packed room!

I cant hold it any longer no more. But I took pity on them and decided to let loose...a small burst.So with great control I relaxed....but not much. Just a little.

PWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

It didnt sound like a fart. Three teachers reached out for their cellphones and checked. Suddenly a big one exploded!It wasnt me. It Seemes that I wasnt the only one who had intimate relationships with Fetuccines. The smell was unbearable. There was a mad dash for the exit. Turmoil and pandemoniom ensued. It was spectacular!

In the melle what was I to do? I let the entire room have it.What's the point of holding back right?After all my first subtle strike was pre-emptied by a bigger mushroom cloud and the general populace was already aware of FART SWAGGERING GIANTS WALKING THE EARTH, I SAY LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!

For a brief second there was a unique chorus of anal explosions. Ahh the simple pleasures of eating and
flatulating.Nothing comes close except good sex.But then again...you can't do good sex by yourslef. ( Im pretty sure that a lot of people would argue about that.)

Personally I dont like farting. But when the urge comes...what else can one do?In the presence of polite company you can kindly excuse yourself and go to a private location and there let your gas lose. But these days I hardly keep polite company so I let them have it as much as I can!

In certain cultures, farting and belching is a sign of respect and gratitude to the host. If you dont belch then it means that you did not enjoy the food,sounds logical.

But in our society, farting is considered rude. It is a sign that one does not control his body. Which is a load of crap. WHEN DID WE EVER CONTROL OUR BODIES? Just because you can hold your stool for a few more seconds before you reach the bathroom doesn't mean you CONTROL IT.

FARTING IS LIKE THE FUTURE, IT IS INEVITABLE!

Now back to spam. Months ago I was cooking it for a guest who had the nasty habit of dropping by unannounced. I'm all for spontanueity and such but when you drop by uninvited in the middle of dinner... well I hoped there are certain cultures who execute unwanted guests when they break up a meal time. If there's none then someone should.

As I was pan frying one because he said that he hadn't eaten dinner.Me being a gracious host graciously went up the ladder and reached out thru the hidden cache of spams.

GUEST: " Hey thats good. I love spam! I just love it!"

FLIM: " Thats good. Would you want it deep fried or a little stale?"

GUEST: " A little stale. I dont like it fried. MAsks out the flavour."

FLIM: " Yeah that's pretty logical. Did you know that SPAM and MAHLING are a huge hit in ASIAN COUNTRIES. BIGGER than in the states and in EUROPE? "

GUEST: " Because they're good? "

FLIM: " Well studies said that MAHLING and SPAM are sought after here because they are the meat product which closely aproximates the taste of HUMAN FLESH? "

GUEST: " Ohh..ugghhhhh..."

I stirred the slabs and poked them with my prong.

FLIM: " And you know what means right? "

GUEST: " Ughh...no...what? "

FLIM: " If SPAM and MALING are big here ? Well then we have not totally rid ourselves of our cravings for human flesh."

GUEST : " Oh my...."

FLIM: "Yep..asian countries a long time ago ...all...."

I smelled the aroma.

FLIM: " ...CANNIBALS! "

GUEST : " Do you have fruits instead? "