THE FIRST STRIP OF FUCKBOY

HERE'S ANOTHER FUCKBOY STRIP THAT I DID WHILE WAITING FOR MY MATTE PAINTINGS TO DRY UP.THE FUCKBOY STRIP IS MEANT TO BE READ AS ONE WHOLE COMICBOOK WHICH IS ENTITLED THE HEROIC SAGA OF FUCKBOY

FUCKBOY PART -II

BAND OF PIRATES

Bought an all region version of the HBO war mini series BAND OF BROTHERS. The damn thing is exactly like the original,right down to the 6th disc that contains all the special features including one of the actor's documentary.The viderates are amazing in the way they copy and package the disc. I was tempted to get the r-3 release that has that sexy tin case packaging but when this was offered to me by ABDULAH with the glaring prize difference how can I refuse? There is some minor pixilation and the subtitles disappear from time to time but hey who am I to complain?

I texted one of my freinds who is a hard core world war 2 dvd collector and told him about the existence of this beauty.

WAR TIME DVD COLLECTOR: " Oh yeah...well you dont have the awesome tin case packaging."

FLIM: " Yes that's true. But im not willing to pay a king's ransom so I can have a nice tin case that will eventually gather dust in my shelf."

And that is true. Look at MY AKIRA tin case edition. yeah sure its cool when you're a visitor in my room and ...

VISITOR: " Wow Its a tin case edition? Where did you get this? "

Then I feel good for the duration of the visit. But the following day it assumes its normalcy.

JOE: " Hey I have the EPISODE 2 two disc collection. Aren't you going to get one? "

FLIM: " NAH! I have the pirated collector's edition . The one they swiped off the Malaysian processing plant. Its incredible and has a running commentary by G. LUCAS at track 2."

JOE: " You dont have the second disc that contains all the deleted scenes."

FLIM: " Yes that's true! What are the deleted scenes? "

JOE: " Well its more romantic scenes between PADME and ANAKIN"

FLIM: " Does it have a longer light saber duel that involves YODA and COUNT DOOKU? "

JOE: " No."

FLIM: " Well Im glad I didnt get that 2 disc edition. WHY ON EARTH would I PAY 1,500 for more shitty romance sthick between those two TWATHS? I have to virtualy edit the already existing scenes in the dvd when I watch it. In fact I skip the entire anakin padme sequences and jump right thru the OBI WAN / JANGO DUEL AND THE ASTERIOD BATTLE SCENE AND THE ARENA AND THE BATTLE OF THE CLONES!"

Then there's this other friend with an interesting view about pirated dvds.

CHEAPSKATE: " I WONT BUY THE PIRATED DVD OF EPISODE2 despite it being identical to the original. I WANT TO GIVE GEORGE LUCAS MY HARD EARNED CASH BECAUSE I want to pay him for all the years that he gave me enjoyment."

Admirable sensibilities working here.

FLIM: " Well you can afford it with the mega bucks that you earn but what about the rest of us living in the poverty line? "

CHEAPSKATE: " You're not even skimming the poverty line."

FLIM: " Well the way I see it. LUCAS has billions and billions of dollars up his ass and he woudnt notice the few fans who buy the pirated discs."

CHEAPSKATE: ' No mAtter WHAT YOU SAY , YOU PEOPLE ARE STEALING FROM GEORGE LUCAS! PLAIN AND SIMPLE! YOU'RE ROBBING HIM AND THERE IS NO MEANS IN JUSTIFYING THAT! "

FLIM: " True! true! true!

CHEAPSKATE: " POOR PEOPLE HAVE NO RIGHT TO COLLECT OR BUY DVDS IF THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO GET THE REAL THING!ITS NOT A CHEAP HOBBY! ONLY THOSE WITH MONEY SHOULD BE COLLECTING IN THE FIRST PLACE! "

FLIM: " So can I put your real name on the BLOG and not this nom de plume? "

CHEAP SKATE: "...uhg....no!Dont do that! "

FLIM: " And I find it ironic that you spend big amounts of money on your dvd collection but you're too fucking cheap to even
hire a ....."

CHEAPSKATE: " DONT EVEN SAY IT! EVERYBODY WILL KNOW IT'S ME! "

FLIM: " JACKASS COWARD! NOT ONLY ARE YOU CHEAP...YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO STAND UP TO WHAT YOU BITCH ABOUT IT... I OUGHT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO....

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: " DONT SAY IT! DONT EVEN SAY IT!This is what you should write in your blog.DVD COLLECTING is an expensive hobby that should be for those who can only afford it.Poor people should spend first on the basic nessecities in life like food and shelter before they indulge in any ....

FLIM: " THAT IS A LOT OF HORSE SHIT! WHAT A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEANT! YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING POLITICIAN! I SHOULD VOTE FOR YOU IN THE NEXT ELECTION!YOU SCUMBAG!"

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: "You think so? "

FLIM: " Just because they're poor and cannot afford to buy original dvds and yet have the means to buy pirated ones, THEY SHOULDN'T! BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? "

COWARDLY JACKASS CHEAPSKATE: " Yes! "

FLIM: " WELL SPOKEN for someone who can afford it! But I'd find it more authentic if it actually came from someone who can't!.Because from where I'm standing YOU CAN SAY ALL MANNERS OF PRONOUNCEMENTS WHEN YOU'RE STOMACH IS FULL!

With the way the country is sinking because of the level of corruption our own public officials and the police force and even the army in mindanao wantonly display I find it hilarious that people actually have time to condemn video piracy!

THIS IS THE LAND OF MORDOR. WHERE THE SHADOWS LIE


I had dinner last night with Cess and her friend REGINA in this restaurant called KITCHEN.Reg's family owns this large restaurant franchise that had its meager beginnings when her grandmother cooked in the sidewalk or something.So there we where ordering these " I WANT RICE " spreads. Our topic of conversation was Regina's imminent exodus to the fairy like realm of NEW ZEALAND.

REGINA: " I wonder how would it be like to live there."

FLIM: " IT'S LIKE BEING in MIDDLE EARTH."

REGINA: " Why so? "

FLIM: " Because that's where they shot the movie."

REGINA: " Wow! Really. Thats great! I tought they shot it in ENGLAND."

FILM: " Nah! It doesnt look like ENGLAND.The colour temperature is too hot for it to be in ENGLAND. Personally I would have prefered that they'd shot it in SCOTLAND instead.That's the way I envisioned MIDDLE EARTH to be. Lots of fog and gloomy wheather. And the rocks embraced by emerald moss.NEW ZEALAND in most of the shots look too much like ACTON CALIFORNIA."
CESS: " REG why do you want to leave MANILA? You're not hard up in fact you live in a great and large house. "

Regina's face changed! The euphoria she felt when she discoverd that she was going to migrate to Middle Earth transformed into a haunted like countenance.

REGINA: " IT'S not about money. I just dont like to raise my children in country steeped in corruption and evil."

FLIM: " Corruption isnt just the sole provinceof the phillipines you know. Everywhere you go there's always corruption."

REGINA : " yes but not as much as it is here.

FLIM: " What brought about this all of a sudden?"

REGINA: " My husband was trying to renew his driver's license. They asked him to pay 350 for the drug test. Then in a few minutes they came back and told him that it ws ok. How can they conduct that kind of a test in a few minutes.He talked to a few doctors who confirmed that it was impossible to go thru a thorough urine test in amtter of minutes. It would at least take a day or two. That really sinched it for my Husband."

Personally I think there's more to this than Regina really lets up.My assumption is that she is darn scared to continue living here because she's earning a lot and it's pretty obvious with the fleet of cars she has and that it is only a matter of time before kidnappers start plotting a way to get to her and her own.

FLIM: " Well things dont really look bright over the horizon.LACSON poised to run and the millions of idiots who are dumb enough to vote for him."

REGINA: " That's one of the reasons why I think this country is hopeless.LACSON for President? MY GOD! This country's literacy level is below subhuman standards.At least in other countries they have the mentality to vote people who are good for the job. "

FLIM: " Its not the literacy problem here. It's the mental level.EVERYONE'S AN IDIOT.PLAIN AND SIMPLE! "

REGINA: " The Americans have political maturity.They have gone thru civil wars to protect their constitution and now look, they can vote intelligently."

FLIM: " I said it time and time again. What's wrong with this country is that our bloodless people power should never have been bloodless! There should have been blood on the street! PEOPLE KILLED! HAVOC AND DESTRUCTION! WIDESPREAD! FULL BODY CARNAGE! AND THEN !ONLY THEN ...WOULD WE HAVE HAD A GOOD GOVERNMENT RISING FROM THE ASHES OF THE OLD.We would treasure our independence because we paid for it in blood. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE HAD IT THE EASY WAY. IT was handed down to us. With minimal bloodshed and all praying in the streets and everyone singing songs.So what happens? We treat the running of the government like the way we treat coups. FIESTAS!" Oh we're electing a SCUMBAG in office. OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. WE CAN PEOPLE POWER HIM ANYTIME WE FEEL LIKE IT.IT'S A BIG JOKE! "

REGINA: " Yes...that's true."

FLIM: " It was a big mistake to allow the Marcos family and Imelda to come back here alive!"

CESS:" YOU KNOW the reason why Imelda and the Marcoses came back was because everyone in the states or in Europe would spit on them. They are looked down upoun by the free world."

FLIM: " Don't you think that it's ironic that the only place that would welcome them back is the country they screwd up in the first place ? You know how stupid that makes the country look like? But think about it. If they were executed in public acess tv and shown all over the phillipines . Then a lesson would have been taught. That no scum stealing public official can escape the wrath of the filipino people. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It wasnt done. They were allowed back. They are the living testimony that public officials who commit crime are not made to pay here in the phillipines. That's why when a new Presidents come in, the first thing in their agenda is " OK HOW MUCH CAN I STEAL BEFORE MY TERM EXPIRES! "REGINA: " Look at what RAMOS did to us with that independent power supplier fiasco."

FLIM: " It's not their fault. ITS THEIR JOB TO FUCK US OVER! NOW IT'S OUR JOB TO NOT LET THEM FUCK US.BUT THE FILIPINOS HAVE SIGN IN THE FOREHEAD THAT SAYS, " FUCK ME IN THE ASS AND COME ON MY FACE CAUSE WE'RE IDIOTS! "

REGINA: "THAT'S WHY WE WANT TO MOVE OUT OF HERE. AT FIRST I WAS ASHAMED BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE I WAS ABANDONING MY FAMILY AND OUR BUSSINESS AND MY HERITAGE."

FLIM: " WHAT HERITAGE? THE HERITAGE OF BEING A CITIZEN OF THE OLD SICK AND DYING MAN IN ASIA? THE HERITAGE OF A COUNTRY WHO WELCOMES BACK THOSE WHO PLUNDERED ITS ECONOMY TO DEATH! LEAVE THE COUNTRY!Take your children with you. Raise them in MIDDLE EARTH and never look back to this land of MORDOR. And when you leave.When you climbed the last step before boarding the plane.Turn back and spit at the tarmac.Call this land ACCURSED!!!! "

THIS IS THE LAND OF MORDOR. WHERE THE SHADOWS LIE

REGINA: " Yes I will do that."

FLIM: " Now what are we ordering? "

I hate rendering time! RENDERING TIME is when you just finished a cut and you want to preview it with certain effects.
RENDERING is a pivotal element in computer based non-linear editing.Its No problem when its just s few seconds and no special effects. But when it’s an hour and ten minute rough- cut then your in for the long haul. When I did a MUSIC VIDEO with a three-minute and fifty- five second running time. RENDERING TIME took 6 hours. It’s a far cry when I was editing in film. When it was a 16mm cut it would take a day and a half. When it was super8 I would have to wait for a month just to see how the footages looked like. They didn’t process the film stock here and I had to mail it to JAPAN by regular mail. But the long wait was worth it because the processing in the land of the rising sun was pristine and very professional. THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID ABOUT OUR LOCAL LABS! IN JAPAN everyone holds the film print with gloves and radiation like suits. Here they eat manga and bagoong while handling your negatives!!!! In JAPAN they would use new chemicals for every film stock processed. HERE THEY WOULDN’T PROCESS YOUR FILM IF ITS JUST ONE REEL. AW NO! They’d wait for the orders to pile up and then dump them in a chemical vat that’s been used for the past three months! SO WE WEREN’T SHOCKED when the films came out cloudy. They can always blame you for making an exposure error. There was one instance where my negative got scratched in THE LAB! THEY BLAMED MY CAMERA FOR IT. FUNNY THING IS THAT IT WAS THE ONLY NEGATIVE THAT GOT SCRATCHED! AND THE FOLLOWING NEGS were ok. COMMON SENSE dictates that if it was the camera in error then all the negatives would have scratches but well… CEST LA VIE. IT’S THE PHILIPPINES.

I remember one screw up where I did a final cut for a black and white high contrast film that I shot that didn’t have any edge numbers. The edge numbers in the film stocks got erased because the film workshop coordinator recanned the film stocks backward thus exposing the edge numbers. The edge numbers are very important because they are used in identifying your particular choice of a take to the lab people who cut the negative.

Since the lab people dont know a thing about what you are doing,they have to rely on the edge numbers.

Imagine my surprise when I was viewing my final print and seeing that it was a totally different version from what i had envisioned and edited.I wouldnt have mind if it made the film better...but. The right shots where nowhere to be seen and the wrong takes where everywhere!Continuity 's gone out of the window! After weeks of toiling in the editing room and not seeing the outside world, my only consolation was that it was finally finished and i can just sit back and watch the final print and then go home and sleep for four days and NOW THIS HAPPENS!

I didnt even wait for the film to finish. I stormed ouyt of the screening room and into the lab.I asked the negative cutter where my outtakes where. (The shots that got edited out from the final cut.)

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ It’s in the waste basket. We threw it a day ago.Why?”

FILM: " You werent able to match my cuts! You glued together the wrong takes! IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE! "

NEGATIVE CUTTER: " What did you expect? No edge numbers. I was cutting it blindly!"

The workshop coordinator tells me to just let it be because the film was ok.

BUT IT WASN’T!!! NOT FOR ME!!!!! Im not going to let this thing go just like that not when I still have a few hours of consciousness before I collapse in exhaustion. I went directly to the main garbage bin and went in feet first. I rummaged thru shit and banana peels and several hours of outtakes from other films that the lab was doing at the time. I would have laughed myself silly if I wasn't too tired and drained.But one thing sustained me, THIS IS MY FILM! AND IT'S GOING TO BE SHOWN , MY VERSION!!!

After an hour or two I was able to retrieve a piece here and a piece there. After five hours I was able to get what I assume was the last pieces and proceed to cut them on my own.

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ You are not allowed to cut your own negative. THAT’S MY JOB.”

The negative cutter was a woman around fifty at the time and despite her screw-up she was a very nice lady. I didn’t want to blame her too much. One has to respect the elderly.

FLIM: “ Maam. I hope you don’t mind but your cut was totally not the one I made. And I don’t think you can make it without edge numbers. You’d need a magnifying glass to ascertain which shot is which since the 16mm format is small. So just let me do it and you can go home early and relax.”

NEGATIVE CUTTER: “ But what makes you think that you can do it if it’s as hard as you say it is.”

FLIM: “ I wrote the script! I shot the film! I composed and played the music! And I edited it with my own two hands! I lived with this for so long that i can cut it in the dark with just smelling salts for company! believe me I can do it! AND I LOVE DOING IT I love it so much that I didn’t have any second thoughts about diving into garbage full of shit just to retrieve the footages. Or tiring my eyes out as I weeded out my shots from the rest of the rabble. And I don’t mind spending another two days of no sleep just so that Ic an see the version that I had in mind from the onset! “

NEGATIVE CUTTER smiled and patted me in the back.

I finished my cut the following day. And when I viewed my final print two days later. I smiled with a weary face. I had chicken pox the week after that and was incapacitated for a month. Doctor told me that my resistance was weak because of what I put my body thru.

The first time the film was shown most of the people who loved my films didn’t like it so much. It didn’t have what they expect from a FLIM film. It wasn’t funny in the black humor department. There was no clear- cut narrative thrust. And the ending didn’t have a concrete climax.


But it was the film that won in THE 1st Prize Winner, 1990 Film Academy of the Philippines Student Award, Short Feature Category.


And my first international award, Grand Prize Winner, First Southeast Asian Film Competition, Tokyo Japan, 1992.Not bad for a film that was assembled from a garbage bin.And to think that I started complaining about RENDERING TIME.


THE CAVE

Three carpenters were supposed to be all over the cave last Thursday. Ces has been whipping my back for months now about using the blank walls to put up some wooden boards so that I can stack my hoard of rare toys and DVDs on top of them. Instead of littering the floor. I tried fending off her assaults twice as long as the siege on MASADA. But as Peter o Toole said, “ I shall TAKE MASADA AND IT SHALL FALL! “ And I did fell. My main supply line was cut and the constant blows of the battering ram diminished my resistance.

It started with a reconnaissance mission six days prior. To MEGA MALL’S ACE HARDWARE. I had to buy a pair of new extension cords since my present one blew up in my face. Cess said that I had too many computers plugged into one extension. I told her that THREE COMPUTERS in one plug isn’t many. It’s just that they make sissy extension chords is all. Some are done in transparent pink plastic! I mean how tacky can you get?

So she told me to meet her there. I was chatting with JASON about a project pitch that he was formulating at the time so I dragged him with me.

The extension chord expedition slowly transformed into a scan and reconnoiters the hanging shelf section of the shop. She did it so subtly

CESS: “Now get that extension chord it looks sturdy enough. What’s the brand? “

FLIM: “ PANTHER! “

CESS: “ Made where? “

FLIM: “ With a brand name like PANTHER? Where else? THE PHILIPPINES! Any product that has an aggressive animal species, as its brand must be locally produced. JAGUAR! COBRA! Pronounced in a single hissing sylabble. Totally deplorable. But on second thought I wouldn’t buy an extension chord if its brand name were BUTTERFLY or PANDA, Or RIVER SPRINGS, right? ”

Cess shrugs.

FLIM: “ Extension chords transmit electrical power. Therefore it must have a powerful name.”

I looked at the other chords.

FLIM: “What about IDI AMIN extension chords? Doesn’t that sound powerful? “


CESS: “ Look overboard panels. You can buy them now and then have the carpenters put it up by Thursday.”

See? She uses the word " LOOK " as a transitional device.

FLIM: “ I don’t want the carpenters going inside the cave. They’re going to mess up the system and have dust and debris and dirt all over and I cant clean it because of the tons of wires that are all over the place and…”

CESS: “ You can also ask them to turn the south wall into an ARMORY.”

Now that move is a stroke of genuis.

BLAST IT! She really knows how to reel me in. I have long dreamt about hanging my various weapons up into the south wall. So I could sit under the assault rifles and MP submachine guns the two samurai swords and the various grenades and explosive canisters! Sigh.

FLIM: “ ALL RIGHT YOU WIN! GET THOSE CARPENTERS IN! “

The carpenter arrived at 8. He was alone.

CARPENTER: “ We need to buy the wood and the metal under hinges.”


RIGHTRIGHTRIGTH!

CARPENTER: " And we need to buy drill bits."

FLIM: " You dont even have your own drill bits? next thing I know you're going to hit me up for some nails."

CARPENTER: "Nails no problems. I have lots. But we wont use them."

FIGURES!

FLIM: “ We’ll do the shelves later. We start with the ARMORY.”
Carpenter looks at all the guns.

CARPENTER: “ But they said in the office that I was just going to do shelves.”

FLIM: “ THEY LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!HAHAHAHAHA!”

He then went to the hardwarestore and came back with the hooks and the drill bit.

Carpenter then draws out a mean drill and started drilling.

I had anticipated there was going to be a lot of dust but nothing prepared me for the MOTHER LODE of ALL DUST CLOUDS!!!

FLIM: “ DON’T YOU HAVE A SUNCTION MOTOR OR SOMETHING???!!!!!!”

CARPENTER: “IN THE STATES THEY DO. IT’S ATTACHED TO THE LOWER END OF THE DRILL AND THEN AUTOMATICALLY SUCKS THE DUST AS FAST AS IT DRILLS! BUT HERE…..NOOO”

Only in the Philippines.

FLIM: “ LOOK AT ALL THAT DUST!!!!!!”

CARPENTER: “ DON’T WORRY … THE NEWSPAPERS THAT YOU COVERED YOUR EQUIPMENT WITH WILL PROTECT THEM!!!! “

Somehow I didn’t believe him.

CARPENTER: “ So where do you want the 3 armalites? “

FILM: “ On top of one another.”

CARPENTER: “ Ok! “

Drills six more holes. More dust …more debris.

CARPENTER: “ How about this? What do you call this gun? “

FLIM: “ AN ITHACA TWELVE GAUZE SHOTGUN. Should be at the bottom. That’s the heaviest looking. ”

CARPENTER: “ Don’t you want it on top of the 3 armalites? So that there could be balance. “

FLIM: “ What balance? “

CARPENTER: “ So when you look at them it doesn’t look ..weird.”

FLIM: “ Well it’s going to look weirder still when we move the crib in. And where did you get this “ balance” thing? You a designer as well? “

CARPENTER: “ It’s part of my job as a carpenter.”

FLIM: “ Oh…ok. I want the shotgun on the bottom so that the barrel can function as a lodging point for my multiple grenades.”

CARPENTER: “ Oh yes that will be good.”

So he drills more holes.

FLIM: “ Now drill two more holes on top of the armalites so that I can put the MPK ASSAULT RIFLE on top of them all. That’s where the balance occurs. You have a mean long rifle on top and the heavy long shot gun on the bottom.”

CARPENTER: “ Oh yes.”

By now the room was a whirlwind of dust clouds and sandstorms. Pretty soon mirages and spit throwing camels would be seen from the next dune.

Mang Lito the driver walks in carrying the wooden planks for the cabinet.

MANG LITO: “ Looks very good. Like an army room.”

FLIM: “ Now we have the submachine going the opposite way.”

MANG LITO: “ NO! NO! NO! Every gun should go in the same direction. Why would you like this gun to counter flow? “

FLIM: “ I don’t know it just looks good.”

MANG LITO: “ You’ll destroy the entire look. There will be no harmony in the design.”

Suddenly everyone and everyone is an aesthetically trained visualist.

FLIM: “ I want one piece to go against the direction that every gun is pointed to.”

MANG LITO: “ And why do you want that? There’s no uniformity then.”

FLIM: “ Mang Lito I was never the type who wears terno . Who wears black t-shirts and black pants and black shoes and black socks and black briefs and to top it all black condoms!”

MANG LITO: “ What has that got to do with it? “

FLIM: “ Harmony doesn’t come from everything going into one direction. Its having some who go the opposite route mingling and co-existing peacefully with those that don’t.THAT’S HARMONY!”

MANG LITO: “ That’s confusion … uhm…what’s the word? “

FLIM: “ CHAOS! “

MANG LITO: “ Yes. Chaos and disorder. Harmony is everyone doing the same thing as everybody else. Everyone going the same direction. Like your guns all pointing in the same direction.”

FLIM: “ Everyone going the same way? That’s not harmony. THAT’S A DICTATORSHIP! “

MANG LITO: “ Dictatorship is when you force someone to do something against their will.”

FLIM: “ Yes????? ”

MANG LITO: “ We’re just trying to make everything go the same way so that there’s unity and …and harmony…and…”

FLIM: “ That’s DICTATORSHIP. Forcing them to do things for the greater good of the entire unit. Rationalizing and justifying your actions while you force the individual to do your whim that’s dictatorship.”

MANG LITO: “ Are you TRYING TO TELL ME THAT WHEN I DISCIPLINE MY CHILDREN THAT IT’S DICTATORSHIP? WHEN I SPANK THEM I’M LIKE MARCOS? THAT EVIL BASTARD!!!!”

FLIM: “ No You’re not like Marcos! Every parent has to be a dictator! And I didn’t say that dictatorship is a bad thing although most of the time it is. Its hard to become a good dictator because most of the time You become drunk with power and the same aggressive rule of force that you used for the benefit of the whole will slowly be the same weapon that you will wield against them. You are a PARENT and that automatically brands you a dictator. You spank when you must. MARCOS JUST SPANKS AND SPANKS AND TAKES AWAY HIS CHILDREN’S ALLOWANCES. NOW DO YOU FEEL BETTER? OK THEN, THE GUN GOES THE OPPOSITE WAY! “

Mang Lito scratches his pomade-greased hair.

MANG LITO : “ They should all go the same way.”

FLIM: “ Well Im the anarchist! I love a little chaos and pandemonium. AND THIS IS MY CAVE! I DECIDE WHERE THE BARREL POINTS AND THAT IS FINAL! “

CARPENTER: “ Can I drill now? “

Four hours later when every gun and explosives have been locked in place, the carpenter and me just stared at them.


CARPENTER: “ It looks good. “

FLIM: “ Its something isn’t it. But then again we’re boys. Girls don’t like these kinds of things.”

CARPENTER: “ What do you do with them anyway?”

FLIM: “ Props! It’s cheaper to buy your own props than renting them. Do you know they charge you 800 bucks for a wooden armalite for a day? And then you have to pay 300 pesos for a caretaker. WHAT DOES A WOODEN ARMALITE NEED A CARETAKER FOR?”

MANG LITO walks in again and this time he’s carrying the iron underpinnings.

MANG LITO: “ Well… you are right. It does look good going the opposite way.”

FLIM: “ Trust me.”

I gave him a wink.

CARPENTER: “ What about the sword? Should I drill another hole? “

FLIM: “ No. The sword has its own stand. I ‘ll place it in the corner. I don’t want to sit in the sofa with a sword dangling on my head. I’ll feel depressed most of the time.”

Then Cess walks in. Even she was stunned by the beauty of the ARMORY

CESS: “ WAIT! YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED ON THE SHELVES? ITS BEEN SIX HOURS!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ???????”







I read the news and my heart stopped.KEAUNUE REEVES is JOHN CONSTANTINE!

I thought that it was bad enough that NIC CAGE WAS GOING TO PLAY the MASTER MAGICIAN BUT KEANUE REEVES? ... Anyone who is familiar with the JOHN CONSTANTINE CHARACTER knows what a dreadful mistake this is going to be. I just can’t fathom the level of stupidity HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES dig themselves in.

Having him play a martial arts practioner in THE MATRIX was horrible enough. How can you believe this guy can do all those things when he can’t even execute a proper sidekick without the benefit of wires? But the film made a lot of money and that’s good enough for the executives.

BUT HOW ON EARTH CAN HE PLAY A WISE CRACKING VERY INTELLIGENT AND MANIPULATIVE BASTARD with his zero personality acting style. He played a baddie in that SAM RAIMI horror film but he played a mindless gumbah from the woods and that’s the best thing he can do aside from making expressions like,” DUHHHHH "

They could have gotten FIENES OR EVEN STING, whom ALANA MOORE credits as the inspiration for the character. ITS GOING TO BE ANOTHER " FROM HELL" fiasco.

HOTDAWGS

I was a hotdog junkie before. And I used to stock up tons of those TENDER juicy FAT DOGS! But I guess I went overboard a few months ago and just looking at those red synthetic food dyed torpedoes just makes me want to puke. So for the past three weeks no Dogs on the grocery list. Until Ces watched this special DISCOVERY segment on HOTDOGS! I was asleep by then. But when I woke up the next morning she kept raving about DOGS in the states and how humongous their servings are and how she had a craving now for IT ! Made a mental note to cancel our cable subscription next month.

So after lunch we went to the mall and she made me buy her one on this HOLLAND outlet. YUCKKK! Just looking on that roasted piece of…. UGGGHHHH ...words fail me! Anyway we were walking and shopping and that atrocious dog smell kept permeating from her left hand that I had to excuse myself and told her that I’d check out the movie schedule. I went in line and paid for the tickets. Then she comes over and SHE STILL HASN’T FINISHED THE DAMN HOT DOG !GREAT! Now I have to sit down beside her with the partially eaten..ugh sticking up the place . HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE WITH THE MOVIE???

So we go in. And the trailers had just started. Now I don’t know what exactly happened but I suddenly felt very hungry. So I told her that I’m off to buy something to eat. Outside I made a mad dash for the nearest hamburger place. I only have a few minutes before the main feature starts. The first joint I went thru had a long line of people. DAMN! ITS NEARLY DINNER TIME! EVERY IDIOT INCLUDING ME IS out in the open looking for something to stuff their silly faces with!!!! Now I have to find some place where there's not much people in a long queche! Next stop is the COLONEL’S SOUTHERN CHICKEN! NO LUCK AGAIN! LONG LINE!!!!!! BAHHHHHH!

By now my stomach was grumbling like a pig. And when I looked somehwhere near the rightfar corner I saw a HOTDOG outlet with no one around! Not a single customer! IT HAD TO BE A HOTDOG STAND! I shook my head in resignation! Biting the bullet I shrugged it off as one of those great cosmic jokes! It’s a simple choice! Fall in line and get a burger or a chicken and miss the first ten minutes or even 20 minutes of the movie. Or just ….gagggggg….PUFT…PUFFT….do the inconceivable! I elected to do the INCONCEIVABLE!

FLIM: “ One CERVELAT HOT DOG PLEASE! “

SALESGIRL: “ That would be 55 pesos.”

FLIM: “ Can you put a lot of onions and pickle relish please? ”

SALESGIRL: “ Ohhh sorry but if you want extra onions you have to pay an extra 5 pesos.”

FLIM: “ LADY! ONIONS ARE GARNISHING! YOU DON’T PAY EXTRA FOR THAT! IT’S PART OF THE SERVICE. I DON’T PAY BOY ATTENDANTS WHEN I HAVE THEM PUT SOME AIR INTO MY TIRES!”

SALESGIRL: “ Its company policy! “

FLIM: “ OH YEAH? NO WONDER THERE AIN'T ANYONE HERE! LOOK AT THE OTHER SHOPS! IT’S FULL OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEIR CUSTOMERS (WHAT A BIG LIE!) THE WAY I SEE IT YOU SHOULD EVEN BE GLAD THAT I'M ORDERING A DOG! I HATE DOGS! I HATE THEM AS MUCH AS I HATE STANDING NOW IN FRONT OF YOU BEGGING FOR AN EXTRA SERVING OF ONIONS ON A FOOD THAT I DETEST BUT MUST EAT IN ORDER NOT TO MISS THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF THE MOVIE IM SUPPOSED TO WATCH!!! ( pant!) ( pant! ) ( pant!)…NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME THE EXTRA ONIONS OR DO I GO THE CHICKEN COLONEL? “

There were two sales girls. One was sorta cute and the other one looked like the mummified remain of NEFERTIRI. I was arguing with the mummy.

CUTE SALES GIRL: “ Don’t worry sir! I’ll give you much onions as you want.”

And she took my dog and proceeded to pour as many onions as there was. Sadly there wasn’t much.

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir that’s all the onions we have.”

FLIM: “ You mean I had this long debate for that? That’s only five rings?”

CUTE SALESGIRL:” Sir our shipment of onions is coming in later.”

FLIM: “ Yep! That makes sense! I order a hotdog, which I hate and could only eat if there were enough onions and pickle relish to disguise the taste and there are not enough onions! Of course it will come in later! WHY WOULD IT BE HERE NOW WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST!!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FILL IT UP WITH A LOT OF PICKLE RELISH THEN!”

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ ok sir.”

I Follow her hand movements and strained my neck as she turns around to get her spatula. For all I know she might be summoning forth a big saliva cache to splat on my bread!

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir it’s overflowing!”

FLIM: “ Let it! Just imagine those are onion rings! “

She then hands me the dog and I run to the movie house. Once inside Ces tells me that I missed the great opening car chase.

FLIM: “ YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! PUT IT ON THE HEADSTONE! “

She asked me what I got. I told her a HOTDOG. She stopped snickering after five minutes.

I opened my mouth and took a big bite. I didn’t care if it was lousy. I was hungry! And that’s that! Funny how I ended up with a food that I totally hate and got and STILL MISSED THE OPENING SCENES because OF THAT ONION HOARDING MUMMY FROM LOWER EGYPT!

FLIM: “ FUCK!”

Ces asked what’s the matter.

I looked at the hotdog in front of me and stared at it. Suddenly the movie wasn’t that important anymore.

FLIM: “ This is….. Incredible! THIS IS THE BEST HOTDOG I HAVE EVER TASTED!

I then took another bite. And another and another! IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

It wasn’t even oily so I didn’t need to drown out the after taste with soft drink.

The movie finished after an hour and fifteen minutes later. I told ces that I need to watch the opening scene and that she should accompany me.

She asked where?

FLIM: “TO GET ANOTHER HOTDOG, silly!”

So we walked back to the hotdog station and when NEFERTERI saw me, she began to shake her head.

FLIM: “ GIVE ME ANOTHER HOTDOG! “

So she goes thru the motions of preparing it.

NEFERTERI: “ Sir here you go. “

FLIM: “ What about my onions? “

NEFERTIRI: “ Sir we don’t have anymore onions. You got the last onions.”

FLIM: “ BUT THAT WAS AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO! YOU SAID THAT YOUR ONION SUPPLY WAS COMING IN.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Oh that. They called and said tomorrow instead.”

I would have stabbed her with an ankh if I had one!

FLIM: “ How can I eat a HOTDOG sandwich without onions? “

Ces tells me that she can eat without one.

FLIM: “ But that’s you! I CAN’T! EAT A HOTDOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!! ITS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE! “

There was a spaghetti western moment where in I faced my nemesis, The MUMMY queen with her scepter of a spatula gentling patting the bun. CLOSEUP of her beady eyes as she stares me down for our explosive confrontation. I stare back. Close up of my hands moving downwards. Not knowing if I should go for my wallet or just bash her with the cell phone.

DAMN IT! I WANTED THE DOG! SO I WENT FOR THE WALLET INSTEAD!

FLIM: “ Fill her up with all the pickle relish that you got or so AKENATHAN help me…”

Just then another customer comes in.

CUSTOMER: “ One Hungarian sausage please.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Wait for a second im finishing with THIS customer.”

CUSTOMER: “ I want plenty of onions and…”

NEFERTIRI shrugs and then lowers her head.

NEFERTIRI: “ No more onions.”

CUSTOMER: “ AY! Ok.”

Then he walks away.

I step in, triumphantly!

FLIM: “ SEE? THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ONIONS! PEOPLE LIKE HOTDOGS WITH ONIONS! TAKE AWAY THE ONIONS! NO HOTDOGS! SEE? AND DON’T IMPOSE THAT CHARGING AN EXTRA 5 PESOS FOR EXTRA SERVINGS OF ONIONS,POLICY CRAP!! THAT WOULD KILL YOUR BUSINESS FASTER THAN FINDING A COCKROACH IN THE TOMATOE BIN! People go where extra garneshings are free! I eat at BURGER KING and when I say HEAVY on everything they GIVE ME HEAVY ON EVERYTHING! NO EXTRA CHARGE! AND I KEEP COMING BACK! “She hands me my hotdog. And I walked away.

Midway I took a bite and although the dog was still good. It’s no DOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!!

FLIM: ‘ I WILL HAVE MY ONIONS! I SWEAR IT!”

Ces asked how.

FLIM: ” WITNESS THE POWER OF THE FLIM AND KNEEL BEFORE ME FOR I SHALL CONJURE ONIONS FROM THIN AIR! “

I told her to stay there and look around. I immediately went inside the HOTPOT restaurant where you cook your own meals. I approached the waitress.

FLIM: “ Excuse me miss. I have a small problem and I hope you can help me. I ordered a hotdog but they didn’t have any more onions. So I was hoping that You could give me some. It’s for my wife and she’s pregnant and she has this craving for onion filled hotdogs.”

WAITRESS: “ Ohhh…ok.”

So she took my hotdog and poured a lot of onions into it.

FLIM: “ Thank you kind miss.”

And I walked fast and hauled Ces into the theaters.

She was shocked and asked how I got the onions.

FLIM: “ PURE UNSTOPPABLE POWER! “

We passed by another HOTDOG stand. It's a SMOKEY'S outlet. And I thought about ordering my soft drinks there. I cant take the ones in the can because for some strange reason its was prohibited by the theater management.

FLIM: “ How much for the soft drink?”

HOTDOG STAND CLERK: “ 25 pesos.”

FLIM: “ How come you don’t have anymore hotdogs?”

The grill was empty.

HOTDOG STAND GUY: “ Sold out.”

FLIM: “ So what’s going to happen to all the garnishing that you have there? “

And there was still a lot. There was onions, pickle relish, chili, and fried chorizo tidbits.

FLIM: “ YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SERVE THAT AGAIN TO US TOMORROW ARE YOU?” (USING THE FLIM POWER!)

HOTDOG GUY: ‘ WE declare it loss. And then throw it away.”

FLIM: “ What a waste? Tell you what. I’ll order my soft drink from you if you give me some of those garnishing. You’re just going to throw it anyway right?”

Hotdog guy smiled at me and nodded. He proceeded to fill me up a plastic cup of root beer while I enthusiastically raided his garnishing!

I dug into the wide and deep onion bin and spread it across my dog! Next I went for the pickle relish.Ohh the mad joy that I felt as constructed what in my mind would be the defenitive HOTDOG in the known UNIVERSE! THE UBER-DOG straight from a NIETZECHEIAN KITCHEN! THIS WAS MY FRANKEN WEENIE! I BARON VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN, CULLING SPARE GARNESHINGS AND THROW AWAYchili sauce, will create a HOTDOG from my own likeness!

IT LIVES! IT LIVES! DO YOU HEAR????????HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
NOW for the finishing touch. I dumped the chorizo bit on top!

Then I held the HOTDOG aloft with one hand.

FLIM: “ I CHRISTEN YOU THE FLIMMEISTER! FLAGSHIP OF ALL THE HOTDOGS IN THE WORLD!”

As I sat and watched the movie while munching my dog. Ces asked how WAS IT?

FLIM: “ THE MOVIE OR THE HOTDOG? THE MOVIE SUCKS! Its the usual formulaic guy meets girl and then guy has to rescue girl flick. They even stole the truck chase scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! PATHETIC! NOW THE HOTDOG?…Well.. It’s a little slice of heaven.”

Last Sunday I shot a dialogue heavy confrontation scene with GILES and Richard C. The location was this cool old building in MAKATI. When we came in we were dutifully informed by the guard that the elevator doesn’t work. Nervous chuckles abound until I told my motley crew that we were shooting on the 5th floor and we had to haul the camera container, the separate lens container box, Ce’s reading lamp and the stupid tripod.

Richard being a veteran of rep gamely announced that it was no prob. He said that they did worse. So we climbed the stairs and started trading jokes.

All good cheer left when we got pass the 4th floor. There was just a symphony of grunts and puffs and the regular scuffling of shoes. It’s been a nasty week of carrying heavy objects while covering immeasurable distances of differing terrains, for me. I just hope that this does not become a life long habit.

When we reached the office Giles started going thru his pockets for the keys to the office.
For a moment I held my breath and the thought that he left it inside the car fluttered to my head.

When he produced the said key I breathed with relief. Inside I set up the equipment while the two started suiting up in their respective barongs!

RICHARD: “ My barong isn’t as tight as you wanted.”

FLIM: “Its ok. Let’s just have some sweat in the underarms. Large amounts of sweat.”

RICHARD: “ Hmmmm I’ll see what I can do.”

What a trooper.

I assembled the cam with the lens and attached the on line microphone.

RICHARD: “ Can I have the script? So I can do a last minute reading.”

FLIM: “ I gave it to you in the restaurant.”

RICHARD: “ OH –OOH! It’s in the car.”

FLIM: “ Oh-uh “

RICHARD: “ I’ll get it.”

FLIM: “ Run fast! “

RICHARD: “ Why? Are you going to shoot me now?”

FLIM: “ No. But I want lots of sweat on them underarms.”

RICHARD: “ GOTACHA! “

And off he went.

The entire shoot lasted for around three hours. It was fun. A drastic change from shooting on location with the sun bearing down on you, pollution by passing cars, the hordes of idiotic bystanders trying to get themselves in the shot while waving their hands around.
We were in an air-conditioned office on a Sunday afternoon with minimal traffic noise outside.

PURE HEAVEN!

RICHARD: “ Do you want me to go over the top with this? “

FLIM: “ Absolutely! I’ll do four takes of that and four takes of you equally subdued!”

RICHARD: “ Ok.”

I ended up doing 20 takes. Then it was off to Gile’s insert shoots. While I was doing them I saw Richard doodling in his sketchboard. I told him that I’d do a take of him drawing. I’ll work it into the film.

We wrapped earlier than I expected. Told the two of them that I’ll need them again after a week. It was for the big production value shot of the office with dozens of employee.

FLIM: “It’s a CECILE B DEMILLE shot. You and Giles in the middle of all this office activity with extras going in and out of frame. People hanging around near the water station chatting and employees kicking the Xerox machine and stuff.”

RICHARD: “ Where you going to the get the extra? “

FLIM: “ The same people who work here. We’ll just shoot during a regular working day and plop the two of you in the middle of all this office activity. Just to give the film some sort of scale.”

I wanted to treat the two actors out. I planned to bring them to this cool MAMI restaurant in CHINATOWN called MAKONG.

My driver and me always have this on going conflict about what is the best MAMI house in the ARCHIPELAGO.

MANG LITS: “ For me its MA MON LUK.”

FLIM: “ That’s commercial Mami and SIOPAO! Nothing compared to MAKONG!”

MANG LITO: “ BASTA! MAMONLUK PARIN AKO! NUMBER1!

FLIM: “ IGNORANT BASTARD! JUST DRIVE THE DAMN CAR!”

Back in the film set.

FLIM: “ Hey do you like MAMI and SIOPAO?”

GILES: “ Hey I’m a MAMI and SIOPAO guy! “

FLIM: “ I’ll treat you guys to this really old and ancient restaurant in Chinatown called MAKONG! Their noodles are handmade! Their MAMI’s are serve on this giant bowl and the Siopaos are as big as tires!That’s the place that gave me the inspiration to do my MARTIAL ARTS FILM called SIOPAO in 1987.”

GILES: “ Cool! “

Richard comes in after dressing down.

FLIM: “ Hey RICHARD you like SIOPAOS and MAMI? “

RICHARD: “ No!”

FLIM: “ What? “

RICHARD: “ I don’t go for them. Im a traditional guy when it comes to food. I just eat burgers and fries and stuff.”

FLIM: “ Oh so you don’t go for noodles.”

RICHARD: “ I love instant noodles.”

FLIM: “ Very consistent! You’re a traditional guy who goes for hamburgers and doesn’t like traditionally made noodles but loves instant noodle. Well so much for the siopao thing. Where are we going to eat then.”

We ended eating in HAP CHAN or is it HAPTYAN who cares what the real name is. It was ok but no substitute for a SIOPAO and MAMI THINGIE!

Every two weeks I have this irresistible urge to ride my motorcycle into the dark depths of CHINATOWN and order a giant hot soup of MAMI and a GIANT SIOPAO on the side.

Must be the beho side of me. But damn it the noodles are so damn good. There was a time when CES’s friends on the urging of one of them took a long exodus to Chinatown to try the MAKONG menu. They went ahead of us by an hour and by the time we arrived they had already finished eating.

Therese complained that the mami was a little bland.

FLIM: “ Did you dump some of the SIOPAO SAUCE INTO THE mami? “

THERESE: “ No.”

FLIM: “ HELL GIRL! THIS SIOPAO SAUCE IS AN ALL PURPOSE SAUCE. You dip your siopao in it and you dump a lot of it into your MAMI to give it an extra kick!”

THERESE: “ Well Cocoy didn’t tell us and he’s supposed to be the MAKONG EXPERT.”

FLIM: “ I don’t know about that but I dump tons of that stuff into my bowl and I drown it with lots of onions till the sauce gets sipped off and then I order another fresh bowl of soup and redump it in.”

THERESE: “ I think Im going to be sick.”

FLIM: “ Ask the waiter.”

WAITER: “ That’s the way the old customers do it.”

FLIM: “ There’s a certain style of eating MAMI. Actually I evolved mine from trial and error. It’s a lilt bit sloppy I must admit but it’s part of the fun! ”

Therese nearly fainted while I sucked those noodles with the slurping sound.

FLIM: “Used to think that people who slurped their noodles as barbaric and uneducated. But when I developed my culinary appreciation I realized what we were missing by being polite and refined on the dinner table. Like for instance nibbling the noodles and then sipping the soup is an unsatisfactory way of eating MAMI. Slurping enables you to sip the soup thru the noodles already dangling in your mouth, which gives your tongue an extra sensation. INCREDIBLE! I mean I had to see the Japanese doing it for me to even wonder. When the Chinese were doing it, Filipinos automatically brand them as ‘ UNCOUTH!” “ BABOY”!, and “ BEHO!” But how come when the JAPS do it …it’s not even considered dirty. Must be because of their rich cultural background backing it up. Yes I know the Chinese have a long historical tradional as well but they don’t have cool samurai swords or NINJA’S or GIANT ROBOTS AND MONSTERS AND STUFF!”

Speaking of JAPANESE and noodles. The Japanese variant is called SOBA.It is served in a variety of ways. HOT and cold which shows the flexibility of the Japanese palate. My favorite is the one that is served cold. First tried it in the YAMAGATA prefecture during the 1ST YAMAGATA INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL.When it was served. I actually recoiled over the aspect of the noodles that sat on huge blocks of ice.

FLIM: “ WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? “

HOST : “ COLD SOBA.Please try. VERIveriveri good.”

Well I did and it was fantastic! Its traditionally served with a side order of tempura prawns. The soba is on a knitted plate which you then grab clumps of with your chopstick and you dip it on a container with the sweet hot soup and you let it fester there for a moment and the you slurp it all up.

After that if there’s still some sauce/soup remaining on your bowl then you can pour hot water on it and it becomes your after meal tea.

Damn just writing about this is making me hungry. Where’s my helmet??!!!!

COMPUTER SHIT

NOW IT’S THE COMPUTER’S TURN! I flipped the switch and nothing happened. I did it again and still there was no electrical activity on the switchboard! NOT ON NOVEMBER1! PLEASE!!!!!! THE DRIVER IS OFF TO MARINDUQUE TO CHECK OUT HIS 2ND FAMILY! NO! NO! NO!

That was it! My entire day was ruined! NIX the ride the motorcycle till you drop because all the idiots are off to the province and the roads are virtually all mine! NIX HANGING OUT WITH my fellow filmmakers in our old clubhouse! NIX ALL THAT BECAUSE OF THE DAMN STUPID POWER SUPPLY OF MY DUMBASS COMPUTER! So I bite the bullet and started dressing up.

Disconnected the computer off all the cables and began hauling that stupid thing down four floors. In moments like this I wished I got a small one BUT NO! I HAD TO HAVE THE BIGGEST MEAN LOOKING PC SYSTEM! I HAD TO GET THE FULL TOWER WITH ULTRA HARD CASE. Looks awesome in my room but it weights a ton when going down the stairs. I HAD TO GET THE SLEEK ONE. The one were you cant get a hand hold as you desperately tired to maintain your grip while on the last leg towards the main street.

Of course getting a cab was another thing. I waited for an hour. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THOSE IDIOTS? Don’t tell me that they are lining up on the parking lot near graveyards waiting for potential passengers!!!!ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Was able to get a cab by walking three blocks with the accursed PC.Told the driver to bring me to the COMPUTER STORE WHERE I BOUGHT THIS TURKEY!

The tech assist was this huge guy named GOLD WING or something and he proceeded to take the thing apart. After a few minutes he takes out the power supply box and tinkers with it.

FLIM: ‘ I just bought the power supply box six months ago. THAT MEANS YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE TO GIVE ME A NEW POWER SUPPLY FREE OF CHARGE AND LABOR.”

GOLDWING: “ But ser. we can only forward the power supply box to the supllier. We then have to wait for them to replace it “

FLIM: “ SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? MY COMPUTER WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL … WHEN? “

GOLDWING: “ Until they replaced it.”

FLIM: “ And how long would it take? “

I knew the answer before he would even say anything.

GOLDWING: “ Could take weeks ser! “

Groan. I could have just waited for the driver to return from his weeklong soiree instead of hauling the heavy pc to this GOLGOTHA of a destination!

GOLDWING: “ Ser. Its no the power supply. Cause I connected another power supply box. A NEW POWER SUPPLY BOX and your pc is still not working! “

FLIM: “ GREAT! MORE GOOD NEWS! WELL? KEEP IT COMING!! DON’T BREAK UP YOUR STACCATO PACED SLATE OF BAD NEWS! WHAT?”

GOLD WING: “ I think it’s your motherboard ser! There’s no light when I plug in your power supply. And when I plug our new power supply there’s still no light.”

WELL AINT THAT A PEACH! Took a deep breath and sighed.

FLIM: “ HOW THE FUCK COULD IT BE THE MOTHERBOARD WHEN I JUST BOUGHT IT TWO YEARS AGO! IS THE LIFESPAN OF A BOARD THAT FAST? I EVEN BARELY USED IT!”

GOLDWING: “ Well that’s the way of electronics. You couldn’t really say how long it is going to last. Most of the time it goes on for years.”

FLIM: “ But not in this case right? So my warranty for the motherboard is for a year. And naturally it breaks down after two.”

Well everything is starting to make sense!

FLIM: “ HOW much is a new MOTHERBOARD? “

GOLDWING: “ Its not in my department. I’ll ask the counter girl.”

He leaves and im left alone with the stupid computer.

FLIM: “ THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME! AFTER TAKING CARE OF YOU! AFTER EVERY USE I CEREMONIOUSLY CLOTHE YOU WITH PLASTIC AND THE COMPUTER COVER SO THAT DUST WON’T SPOIL YOUR SHEEN! I GIVE YOU A LOT OF TIME OFF AND WHEN I DO USE YOU I MAKE SURE THAT IT DOESN’T PASS THE SIX-HOUR MARK! AND YOU FUCKING CONK OUT ON ME AT A TIME WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST! WELL THAT’S IT FOR YOU MISTER! NO MORE COVERS! NO MORE SLACK OFF TIME! YOU’RE GOING TO BE DOING DOUBLE DUTY TO EARN WHAT I’LL BE SPENDING FOR YOU YOU MINDLESS PIECE OF EXCREMENT FILTH!”

Goldwing enters with a new motherboard.

FLIM: “ What could have caused it to conk out like that.”

GOLDWING: “ Well sometimes it’s rats or mice going inside and peeing on it. That would surely short-circuit it. Then there’s the power fluctuations and power surges that we have. It will short it too.”

FLIM: “ Well I have an APC with a built in regulator so it’s not that. Rats and mice I don’t know about that. I annihilate every vermin I see in the house.”

GOLDWING: “ Well it’s the life span of electronic things. Sometimes they last sometimes they don’t.”

He slaps the motherboard in and the computer hums back to life and everything back to normal.

NOT BY A LONG SHOT! I STILL HAD TO FIND A CAB ON THIS INCREDIBLE DAY.

Walked three blocks with that stupid sleek pc full tower casing. Lent came in early this year.

I reached the house at 1 in the afternoon. I haven’t had a bite to eat all day. I plugged in the computer and didn’t off it till the following day. Computers are like people. You go soft on them and they walk all over you.

I told my good friend JOE that when you spend on an upgrade you always feel better no matter how much money you use. But when it’s for repairs… You feel like shit! It’s like a step backwards! LIKE REPEATING GRADE 1 OR WORSE! HIGH SCHOOL!

I was supposed to get another pc to hook up with my existing systems. I even had the budget for that but when the motherboard cocked out I suddenly lost my appetite for all things computer.

Im thinking of spending my money on a vintage Aladdin lunchbox instead.Worse thing that can happen with those thoings is the thermos slipping out and head butting your cat.I hate CATS!

fuck