HOTDAWGS

I was a hotdog junkie before. And I used to stock up tons of those TENDER juicy FAT DOGS! But I guess I went overboard a few months ago and just looking at those red synthetic food dyed torpedoes just makes me want to puke. So for the past three weeks no Dogs on the grocery list. Until Ces watched this special DISCOVERY segment on HOTDOGS! I was asleep by then. But when I woke up the next morning she kept raving about DOGS in the states and how humongous their servings are and how she had a craving now for IT ! Made a mental note to cancel our cable subscription next month.

So after lunch we went to the mall and she made me buy her one on this HOLLAND outlet. YUCKKK! Just looking on that roasted piece of…. UGGGHHHH ...words fail me! Anyway we were walking and shopping and that atrocious dog smell kept permeating from her left hand that I had to excuse myself and told her that I’d check out the movie schedule. I went in line and paid for the tickets. Then she comes over and SHE STILL HASN’T FINISHED THE DAMN HOT DOG !GREAT! Now I have to sit down beside her with the partially eaten..ugh sticking up the place . HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE WITH THE MOVIE???

So we go in. And the trailers had just started. Now I don’t know what exactly happened but I suddenly felt very hungry. So I told her that I’m off to buy something to eat. Outside I made a mad dash for the nearest hamburger place. I only have a few minutes before the main feature starts. The first joint I went thru had a long line of people. DAMN! ITS NEARLY DINNER TIME! EVERY IDIOT INCLUDING ME IS out in the open looking for something to stuff their silly faces with!!!! Now I have to find some place where there's not much people in a long queche! Next stop is the COLONEL’S SOUTHERN CHICKEN! NO LUCK AGAIN! LONG LINE!!!!!! BAHHHHHH!

By now my stomach was grumbling like a pig. And when I looked somehwhere near the rightfar corner I saw a HOTDOG outlet with no one around! Not a single customer! IT HAD TO BE A HOTDOG STAND! I shook my head in resignation! Biting the bullet I shrugged it off as one of those great cosmic jokes! It’s a simple choice! Fall in line and get a burger or a chicken and miss the first ten minutes or even 20 minutes of the movie. Or just ….gagggggg….PUFT…PUFFT….do the inconceivable! I elected to do the INCONCEIVABLE!

FLIM: “ One CERVELAT HOT DOG PLEASE! “

SALESGIRL: “ That would be 55 pesos.”

FLIM: “ Can you put a lot of onions and pickle relish please? ”

SALESGIRL: “ Ohhh sorry but if you want extra onions you have to pay an extra 5 pesos.”

FLIM: “ LADY! ONIONS ARE GARNISHING! YOU DON’T PAY EXTRA FOR THAT! IT’S PART OF THE SERVICE. I DON’T PAY BOY ATTENDANTS WHEN I HAVE THEM PUT SOME AIR INTO MY TIRES!”

SALESGIRL: “ Its company policy! “

FLIM: “ OH YEAH? NO WONDER THERE AIN'T ANYONE HERE! LOOK AT THE OTHER SHOPS! IT’S FULL OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEIR CUSTOMERS (WHAT A BIG LIE!) THE WAY I SEE IT YOU SHOULD EVEN BE GLAD THAT I'M ORDERING A DOG! I HATE DOGS! I HATE THEM AS MUCH AS I HATE STANDING NOW IN FRONT OF YOU BEGGING FOR AN EXTRA SERVING OF ONIONS ON A FOOD THAT I DETEST BUT MUST EAT IN ORDER NOT TO MISS THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF THE MOVIE IM SUPPOSED TO WATCH!!! ( pant!) ( pant! ) ( pant!)…NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME THE EXTRA ONIONS OR DO I GO THE CHICKEN COLONEL? “

There were two sales girls. One was sorta cute and the other one looked like the mummified remain of NEFERTIRI. I was arguing with the mummy.

CUTE SALES GIRL: “ Don’t worry sir! I’ll give you much onions as you want.”

And she took my dog and proceeded to pour as many onions as there was. Sadly there wasn’t much.

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir that’s all the onions we have.”

FLIM: “ You mean I had this long debate for that? That’s only five rings?”

CUTE SALESGIRL:” Sir our shipment of onions is coming in later.”

FLIM: “ Yep! That makes sense! I order a hotdog, which I hate and could only eat if there were enough onions and pickle relish to disguise the taste and there are not enough onions! Of course it will come in later! WHY WOULD IT BE HERE NOW WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST!!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FILL IT UP WITH A LOT OF PICKLE RELISH THEN!”

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ ok sir.”

I Follow her hand movements and strained my neck as she turns around to get her spatula. For all I know she might be summoning forth a big saliva cache to splat on my bread!

CUTE SALESGIRL: “ Sir it’s overflowing!”

FLIM: “ Let it! Just imagine those are onion rings! “

She then hands me the dog and I run to the movie house. Once inside Ces tells me that I missed the great opening car chase.

FLIM: “ YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! PUT IT ON THE HEADSTONE! “

She asked me what I got. I told her a HOTDOG. She stopped snickering after five minutes.

I opened my mouth and took a big bite. I didn’t care if it was lousy. I was hungry! And that’s that! Funny how I ended up with a food that I totally hate and got and STILL MISSED THE OPENING SCENES because OF THAT ONION HOARDING MUMMY FROM LOWER EGYPT!

FLIM: “ FUCK!”

Ces asked what’s the matter.

I looked at the hotdog in front of me and stared at it. Suddenly the movie wasn’t that important anymore.

FLIM: “ This is….. Incredible! THIS IS THE BEST HOTDOG I HAVE EVER TASTED!

I then took another bite. And another and another! IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

It wasn’t even oily so I didn’t need to drown out the after taste with soft drink.

The movie finished after an hour and fifteen minutes later. I told ces that I need to watch the opening scene and that she should accompany me.

She asked where?

FLIM: “TO GET ANOTHER HOTDOG, silly!”

So we walked back to the hotdog station and when NEFERTERI saw me, she began to shake her head.

FLIM: “ GIVE ME ANOTHER HOTDOG! “

So she goes thru the motions of preparing it.

NEFERTERI: “ Sir here you go. “

FLIM: “ What about my onions? “

NEFERTIRI: “ Sir we don’t have anymore onions. You got the last onions.”

FLIM: “ BUT THAT WAS AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO! YOU SAID THAT YOUR ONION SUPPLY WAS COMING IN.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Oh that. They called and said tomorrow instead.”

I would have stabbed her with an ankh if I had one!

FLIM: “ How can I eat a HOTDOG sandwich without onions? “

Ces tells me that she can eat without one.

FLIM: “ But that’s you! I CAN’T! EAT A HOTDOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!! ITS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE! “

There was a spaghetti western moment where in I faced my nemesis, The MUMMY queen with her scepter of a spatula gentling patting the bun. CLOSEUP of her beady eyes as she stares me down for our explosive confrontation. I stare back. Close up of my hands moving downwards. Not knowing if I should go for my wallet or just bash her with the cell phone.

DAMN IT! I WANTED THE DOG! SO I WENT FOR THE WALLET INSTEAD!

FLIM: “ Fill her up with all the pickle relish that you got or so AKENATHAN help me…”

Just then another customer comes in.

CUSTOMER: “ One Hungarian sausage please.”

NEFERTIRI: “ Wait for a second im finishing with THIS customer.”

CUSTOMER: “ I want plenty of onions and…”

NEFERTIRI shrugs and then lowers her head.

NEFERTIRI: “ No more onions.”

CUSTOMER: “ AY! Ok.”

Then he walks away.

I step in, triumphantly!

FLIM: “ SEE? THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ONIONS! PEOPLE LIKE HOTDOGS WITH ONIONS! TAKE AWAY THE ONIONS! NO HOTDOGS! SEE? AND DON’T IMPOSE THAT CHARGING AN EXTRA 5 PESOS FOR EXTRA SERVINGS OF ONIONS,POLICY CRAP!! THAT WOULD KILL YOUR BUSINESS FASTER THAN FINDING A COCKROACH IN THE TOMATOE BIN! People go where extra garneshings are free! I eat at BURGER KING and when I say HEAVY on everything they GIVE ME HEAVY ON EVERYTHING! NO EXTRA CHARGE! AND I KEEP COMING BACK! “She hands me my hotdog. And I walked away.

Midway I took a bite and although the dog was still good. It’s no DOG WITHOUT ONIONS!!!

FLIM: ‘ I WILL HAVE MY ONIONS! I SWEAR IT!”

Ces asked how.

FLIM: ” WITNESS THE POWER OF THE FLIM AND KNEEL BEFORE ME FOR I SHALL CONJURE ONIONS FROM THIN AIR! “

I told her to stay there and look around. I immediately went inside the HOTPOT restaurant where you cook your own meals. I approached the waitress.

FLIM: “ Excuse me miss. I have a small problem and I hope you can help me. I ordered a hotdog but they didn’t have any more onions. So I was hoping that You could give me some. It’s for my wife and she’s pregnant and she has this craving for onion filled hotdogs.”

WAITRESS: “ Ohhh…ok.”

So she took my hotdog and poured a lot of onions into it.

FLIM: “ Thank you kind miss.”

And I walked fast and hauled Ces into the theaters.

She was shocked and asked how I got the onions.

FLIM: “ PURE UNSTOPPABLE POWER! “

We passed by another HOTDOG stand. It's a SMOKEY'S outlet. And I thought about ordering my soft drinks there. I cant take the ones in the can because for some strange reason its was prohibited by the theater management.

FLIM: “ How much for the soft drink?”

HOTDOG STAND CLERK: “ 25 pesos.”

FLIM: “ How come you don’t have anymore hotdogs?”

The grill was empty.

HOTDOG STAND GUY: “ Sold out.”

FLIM: “ So what’s going to happen to all the garnishing that you have there? “

And there was still a lot. There was onions, pickle relish, chili, and fried chorizo tidbits.

FLIM: “ YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SERVE THAT AGAIN TO US TOMORROW ARE YOU?” (USING THE FLIM POWER!)

HOTDOG GUY: ‘ WE declare it loss. And then throw it away.”

FLIM: “ What a waste? Tell you what. I’ll order my soft drink from you if you give me some of those garnishing. You’re just going to throw it anyway right?”

Hotdog guy smiled at me and nodded. He proceeded to fill me up a plastic cup of root beer while I enthusiastically raided his garnishing!

I dug into the wide and deep onion bin and spread it across my dog! Next I went for the pickle relish.Ohh the mad joy that I felt as constructed what in my mind would be the defenitive HOTDOG in the known UNIVERSE! THE UBER-DOG straight from a NIETZECHEIAN KITCHEN! THIS WAS MY FRANKEN WEENIE! I BARON VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN, CULLING SPARE GARNESHINGS AND THROW AWAYchili sauce, will create a HOTDOG from my own likeness!

IT LIVES! IT LIVES! DO YOU HEAR????????HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
NOW for the finishing touch. I dumped the chorizo bit on top!

Then I held the HOTDOG aloft with one hand.

FLIM: “ I CHRISTEN YOU THE FLIMMEISTER! FLAGSHIP OF ALL THE HOTDOGS IN THE WORLD!”

As I sat and watched the movie while munching my dog. Ces asked how WAS IT?

FLIM: “ THE MOVIE OR THE HOTDOG? THE MOVIE SUCKS! Its the usual formulaic guy meets girl and then guy has to rescue girl flick. They even stole the truck chase scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! PATHETIC! NOW THE HOTDOG?…Well.. It’s a little slice of heaven.”