USOG

I have not been writing anything in the blog for….. I don’t know. Been extremely busy editing and wading thru the thirty- four hours of plus footages. The other day something notable happened that I just had to jot down. Our resident termite EXTERMINATOR contractor dropped by for her daily inspection. Seems that her termite checker has psychic powers because in a matter of minutes our maid suffered a stomach ache coupled by intense vomiting.

She then claimed that the man who entered the house gave her USOG! I don’t know if there’s an English equivalent for that. My guess is it’s some sort of HEX! But this one isn’t caused by malice. It’s like an empathic/osmosis kind of thing on a psychic level.A person who has the gift of USOG can project his/her feelings of hunger or pain to the other person within striking distance. Thus giving the unintended target a “ SHARING EXPERIENCE! “

At least that’s what the maid claimed to have happened to her. I looked at Cess and we both did funny circles on the head. I went back to the editing bay and after a few minutes of clicking and clicking there was a knock on the door.

DELIA THE MAID: “ Ser! I need the saliva of the termiteman. HE GAVE ME THE USOG..SO IT MUST BE HIM TO TAKE IT AWAY! “

FLIM: “ You know …it’s all in your head! Just take an aspirin and lie down and you’ll feel better! “

MAID: “I WONT! I WILL DIE IF HIS SALIVA ISN’T UPON ME! “

FLIM: “ASK CESS the number of the termite woman. I don’t HAVE IT WITH ME! “

She closed the door and the sound of moaning and retching went down the stairs.After twenty minutes of film going back and forth. There is another knock on the door.

MAID: “ SER! THE TERMITE MAN CANNOT BE REACHED! WE MUST CONTACT HIM AND HIS SALIVA MUST BE UPON ME! “

I stood up and shut the door. I have had enough of this crap! But then again it seems like a very interesting plotline.If I weren’t so busy I would write a short story or script about it. (And I did! Emailed it to a publisher friend of mine and he wants to publish it. )

Five minutes later, there is another knock.

MAID: “ SER! I NEED YOUR SALIVA! “

FLIM: “ Excuse me? “

MAID: “ SER! I NEED YOU TO PUT YOUR SALIVA ON YOUR FINGER AND DRAW A CROSS-ON MY STOMACH. TO TAKE AWAY THE USOG! “

FLIM: “ DAMNIT! I HAVE TO FINISH THIS MOVIE BY JUNE AND I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR STRANGE TRIBAL HABITS!

MAID:” SER! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

FLIM: “ AND ISN’T IT SUPPOSED TO BE THE TERMITE MAN’S SALIVA THAT WILL CURE YOU? HE GAVE YOU THAT. …THAT USOG RIGHT? “

MAID: “ SER! I’M DESPERATE. YOUR SALIVA MIGHT CANCEL IT OUT. YOU HAVE POWERS TOO! “

FLIM: ”MY POWERS WON’T WORK ON YOU AND IT’S NOT THE HEALING KIND! “

MAID:” SER PLEASE HELP ME. IM DYING HERE! “

It’s not easy to find help these days so I kicked the chair back and stood in front of her.

FLIM: “ MAKE IT QUICK! “

DELIA: “ Ser put saliva on your fingers! “

I followed like an idiot!

FLIM: “ Then what? “

DELIA: “ Draw a cross on my stomach and say “ USOG, USOG COME OUT FROM HER!”

I Looked at her and then at the other maid.

MAID2: “ Ser you have to follow the words.”

Now it’s confirmed. THERE ARE 3 IDIOTS IN THE HOUSE!

After drawing the cross I went back inside the editing room.

FLIM: ‘ NOW DON’T! DON’T! DISTURB ME EVER AGAIN!!!!!! “

I shut the door and worked for an hour. Then I fell asleep.

Woke up at around 4 in the afternoon. I had a stomach cramp. Bad air knocking around my insides and farting rigorously.

What the fuck did I eat to cause this crap? Thought about the pork and bagoong or the eggplant steamed with garlic sauce and…DELIAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

DELIA was standing on the stairway and defending herself.

FLIM: “ NOW I GOT YOUR USOG! YOU BETTER TAKE IT OUT! CAUSE NOW I’M THE ONE IN PAIN! I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE NICE TO PEOPLE! ARGGGHHHHH! “

DELIA: “ But ser! IT doesn’t work like that! Someone can give you an USOG and that someone can take it away but no one can retrieve an USOG and then have the USOG!

FLIM: ‘ FUCK THE USOG! HOW DO I GET WELL FROM THIS STOMACH ACHE ? “

MAID2: “ Here sir! I’m going to spit on my finger and draw a cross and say the words.” USOG!USOG!"

Which she did! ( I'm turning this whole incident into a movie,a short story and a comic book!!!!!)

FLIM: “ DELIA!!!!!YOU SEEMED CURED? IT’S BECAUSE THAT USOG TRANSFERRED ON ME RIGHT?????”

DELIA: “ No sir! I boiled the shirt I was wearing and drank the soup! “

FLIM: “ come again? “

DELIA: “ I drank the soup from the boiled shirt I was wearing. That’s another cure.”

FLIM: “ CESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!”

Cess shook her head as she watched Maid 2 draw another cross on my stomach.

CESS: “ I’m the only civilized person in this house.”