I was going thru an old box of stuffs that contained my college years. I found pieces of love notes and short stories that I made. This is the dumbest piece I have found so far.

QUARTER GIVEN

I wasn’t sure how to react when I saw him. I mean my brain was screaming “RUN AWAY! “ While my legs pleaded for me to stay in place and hoped that I would be ignored. This tug of war went on for minutes or hours, I really couldn’t tell.

But it didn’t change the fact that the devil was sitting on my living room couch.

“ You don’t mind if I stretch my hooves, dear fellow. Had quite a journey.”

His voice was so proper and soft.

I nodded and just stared at him.

“Will you offer me any refreshment that you have at hand? “ He asked as he slowly tapped his horns while looking at me with disinterest.

I nodded again.

“ I can see that this is going to be a one sided conversation if I don’t do anything about my appearance. HERE!”
There was a loud explosion and a whiff of firecracker fumes and there sat a middle-aged woman with an umbrella.

“ Now does it make you feel better? “ She crackled.

I nodded again.

“ What must I do to make you talk? “ She hit her head with the umbrella.

I don’t know what made me speak after that. Probably because she reminded me of my grandmother who loved to hit her head with any object at hand when she fails to elicit a response from her grandchildren.

“ Well. It doesn’t really help even if you change forms … underneath them all. You’re still the devil! Right? “

She slowly turned her head and smiled, devilishly.

“ I always get the CHEEKY BASTARDS! NOW SIT DOWN! “

Without thinking, my buttocks and the leather surface of my couch met and embraced.

“ What do you have to drink around here? “

I motioned to the fridge and said,“ I think I have a few carbonated drinks but nothing really serious.”

She stood up and waved the umbrella in front of my face.

“ You’re not talking to your grand mother, you cheap lying bastard! Where’s the
DOM PERIGNON 67? “

“ You can’t have that! My Uncle just asked me to keep it for him just as soon his wife finished cleaning his library.” I tried to stand up while defending myself but my legs have long surrendered their will to him.

“ LISTEN UP, SONNY BOY! I’M HERE TO CART OFF YOUR CHEAP SOUL BACK TO THE INFERNAL REGIONS! YOU SHOULD BE KISSING MY ASS AND OFFERING ANYTHING I WANT, NOT TO! STUPID FUCK! “

The horns started to grow out of her head. She paused for a few seconds and tried jamming them back in. But they would only go back halfway and she groaned in disgust!

Her shoulders slumped in resignation.

“ Look at what you made me do. Look at what you made me do. I want to be the nice guy. A real nice guy but ….you made me lose my temper. And I HATE LOSING MY TEMPER! I FUCKING HATE IT! I have tried to act as decent and pleasant as devilishly possible but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU WONT LET ME! YOU HAD TO BE CHEAP AND UN HOSPITABLE! HOGGING THE GOOD STUFF INSTEAD OF SHARING IT WITH A TIRED TRAVELER! WELL NOW THE GLOVES ARE OFF! PACK YOUR BAGS AND NIX THE PANTS, YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!!!!!!!”

Her skin began to blister as I heard a sizzling sound grow louder and louder. Her eyeballs melted and the white pap dripped on her chin as she started to lean towards me.

I scrambled to the book shelf and thrust my hand into the wedge between AMADIS OF GAUL and ‘ HOW TO MAKE YOUR CLASSMATE TAKE OFF HER PANTIES IN SEVEN DAYS”

My fingers gripped the bottleneck of the Dom and I immediately threw it at him, I mean HER!

She caught it with her tongue in mid flight and swallowed the entire bottle. She smiled and repressed a giggle.

“ TELL YOUR UNCLE THAT HE’S BEEN HAD. IT’S A CHEAP IMITATION! “

She coughed once and scratched her belly. She then patted the vacant space beside her and motioned for me to sit down.

My legs obeyed their new master.

“ Now let’s talk terms! What do you have to offer me, so I wont take your soul! “

“ Didn’t I just give you the bottle of the DOM… “

She shook her head. “ That was a hospitality gift! A welcoming boon. Nothing more! Now we have to bargain! What do you have that I can take to the NETHERWORLD and it must be of equal value as your soul! “

I hate it when my math teacher gives me problems that don’t have clear solutions.
This is clearly one of them. It reminded me of a test that involve two trains departing from different destinations and …ughh I forgot the details already.

“ My stamp collection? “

She shook her head and took off her bra. Her breasts had eyes on them and they stared at me without batting an eyelid.

“ Excuse me for a moment. The eyes of Horus wanted to see you before making a final judgment.

For the longest time those eyes stared at yours truly and it… deeply irritated me for reasons I can’t understand. Was it because I knew that I was being judged? Or maybe my eyes were used to seeing nipples where they should be!

“ Yes. Indeed you are guilty! Your soul is worth FIFTY MILLION PASBACS! You need to find something of equal weight. “

“ WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND FIFTY MILLION PASBACS AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE PASBACS?” I started screaming!

She looked at me and then looked at her breasts. The eyes of Horus looked back at her and then looked at me. I looked at them and I looked back at the devil.

“ Now wonder she poisoned him, he’s a fucking brute! “ She said to the eyes.

“ POISONED? I WAS POISONED? WHO POISONED ME? WHO? “ I started screaming again.