Christmas day was a real riot. If I only had two bodies then I could fulfill all the social functions that society dictates I attend. There’s the grand family reunion on Cecile’s side. Catered by this nice Spanish restaurant (I don’t know if it was MINGGOYS) courtesy of her aunt TITA ANNE and then there’s “OUR “ lunch thing .

My Mom was cooking her legendary KARE-KARE to be served and when she does everything stops! MY SOCIAL CALENDAR disintegrates and I just have to be there when it is served. It is so good that my brother who has tons and tons of overtime stuff lined up in IBM would drop everything and would zip home. My sister with her hectic sked of dissecting corpses would also lay down the scalpel and eagerly pick up a spoon full. There in lies the quandary.

Should I go for the full course meal of SPANISH cooked paella (which happens to be a favorite of mine) Smoked ham, broiled chicken and what have you for a single dish of KARE-KARE. The KARE-KARE MEISTER only cooks it once. Every Christmas day. Actually it was no contest at all. I took the motorcycle and before she can ring the lunch bell I was already seated with my gleaming plate.

FLIM: “ DAMNT IT SERVE THE BEAST HERE NOW! “

I was told to wait for my brother.

FLIM: “ WAIT? WAITING’S FOR SISSIES! THE STRONGEST SURVIVES! He gets the left overs!”

But no one can dispute the KARE-KARE MEISTER when she’s wielding a mean ladle.

So I waited.After thirty minutes I started grumbling.

FLIM: “ I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE AFTER THIS. CECILE’S FAMILY HAS A REUNION AND… I CHOOSE TO EAT LUNCH HERE BECAUSE THIS MEAL IS ONLY COOKED ONCE every YEAR LIKES SOME PAGAN RITUAL! AND IT’S SO DAMN GOOD!”

My other brother agreed and without waiting for consent we started dipping into the giant serving plate.

I wont go into details about how it tasted. Suffice to say that it was well worth the wait the aggravation that followed ,when I was about to go back to the cave and then there was this terrible rainstorm that appeared and fully drenched me and the newly cleaned bike right down to the last steel plate.But back to the kare-kare

The best part of eating with my family is the way small conversations turn into nuclear detonations ending into cataclysmic arguments of Herculean proportions.I can’t even say that we are your typical Filipino family because from my perspective we are more ITALIAN by nature.

Picture the scene in GOODFELLAS when Joe pesci was just shooting the breeze with a couple of his crews and then this guy suddenly tells him that he is funny and PESCI retorts with a smile.

PESCI: “ YOU THINK IM FUNNY?
(Still smiling.)

PESCI: “ As in I AMUSE YOU? IM FUNNY!!!! “

Starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

At least he had this moment of transition.

In my family. There’s a lightning shift from pleasant laughter to off the wall anger. Well not most of the time but it does occur. And then from anger we go back to laughing about the entire thing.

We talked about the Christmas party we had with the larger family tree the night before and my brother was wondering where the sumptuous skin of the lechon went. As any full-blooded Filipino knows the best part about roasted pig is the crispy and delicious skin. At the party one of my cousins gallantly donated an entire suckling.

Now the strange part is that when it was served ,someone had already fieldstripped the lechon. Thus denying the attendants of the best part of the lechon.

The following is a transcript of the reactions of the partygoers.

COUSIN BUD: “WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK WOULD DO THIS?”

COUSIN BOY: “ This is really repulsive! “

FLIM: “ Quiet the host is coming.”

COUSIN BUD: “ I have a sneaking suspicion that it was he who stole the pig skin.”

FLIM: “ Hmm you could be right.”

COUSIN BOY: “ I saw him. He was the only one, ALONE WITH THE PIG for an
ENTIRE HOUR and he was chopping things off.”

FLIM: “ So he was the only guy with a cleaver inside the kitchen. Guess that’s the smoking cleaver all right.”

COUSIN BUD: “ well might as well eat the lechon skinless and all.”

FLIM: “ I don’t know about that. I don’t eat lechon without the skin. It’s like eating some else’s left over.”

COUSIN BUD: “ But you do eat lechon at Lydia’s LECHON RIGHT? “

FLIM: “ YES BUT THEY STILL HAVE THE SKIN ON IT. Not like this! “

COUSIN BUD: “ Thinking about it it does look gross don’t you think? “

We all stared at the lechon. Looked like a skinned cat. Then the host comes in with a shot glass of bourbon.

HOST: “ Lets eat.”

He then exited into the front porch.

COUSIN BUD: “ Yeah. He must have gobbled up the entire thing.”

COUSIN BOY: “ No. I think he’s saving it for HIS family reunion tomorrow. That’s why he was chopping off a large part of the lechon. ”

FLIM: “ Look! It’s not that bad. Cecile and me attended a party on her relative’s side and the Hostess was WORST! SHE SERVED CRABS WITHOUT ANY MEAT ON IT AND the showstopper occurred when CECILE wanted to eat the Crabs claws and they were conspicuously missing. Now our table is directly in front of the kitchen. And she saw dozens of claws on the plate and she asked me to get some for her. So I approached the table.As I inquired about the claw,the maid said that it wasn’t for us. The Hostess commanded them to serve it only to her FAMILY!!!!! And when her family arrived the maids whisked the claws to their table. Cecile and her sister fumed at this. Cecile surmised that the Hostess saved the best parts of the crab for her family and served the crap to all the relative-guests. But you don’t have to show it in full view of everyone. ”

COUSIN BOY: “ That is so totally CRASS!”

FLIM: “ I felt bad for her. She really had her heart set on that claw. It wouldn’t be so bad if the rest of the food that was served was good. But it was totally tasteless. At least here in this party its potluck. Bud your mother donated her exquisite RUSSIAN salad AND MY sister donated her grilled pork chops and what he hell. Lets just skip the lechon.”

BACK TO THE PRESENT.

BROTHER HERMIE: “ It doesn’t really matter if the hosts didn’t served the pig s skin. The lechon was still good.”

FLIM: “ I don’t know…. I still don’t like eating meat that was skin stripped by somebody else. Like the food was already tainted. VIOLATED by unseen hands that reeked of hidden agendas and malice.”

ANTON: “ Can I have your share of the broth.”?

FLIM: “ NO! KEEP YOU’RE FILTHY PAWS OFF MY KARE-KARE YOU DAMN DIRTY APE.!”

Arrived at the cave at around 12. I was full and totally docile. When Cecile rushed in and tells me that her Sister was picking her up for her family Christmas lunch. So I accompanied her and Selina to her Grandmother’s estate.

As always Tita ANN knew how to throw a party. The woman has style no doubt about that. There was authentic PAELLA (which happens to be a favorite of mine.) There was smoked salmon and steamed chicken ala …I DON’T KNOW. And a host of other beauties on a plate.

Sadly I cannot eat any of those because I was still stuffed. So I just mingled and chatted with Cecile’s cousins. Then the gift giving started. And Tita Ann true to form gave the most amazing gifts. She gave Cecile’s nephew a C3PO GIFT BOX with the Action figure and the book. She gave me a TERMINATOR GIFT SET Edition signed by ARNOLD AND JAMES CAMERON with 3D HOLOGRAM CARD on a SLIP CASE cover.She gave Cecile’s dad a 12 DVD gift pack of the STAR TREK SPECIAL EDITION movies.

Later on Cecile’s Dad would give her the DVD gift pack because he wasn’t a STAR TREK FAN. Her dad is something else too. Totally generous and an adept of CINE-PHILE.Totally cool. I remember a time when we were at her dads place.AndI heard him coughing.

CECILE’S DAD:
"Amen to that sweete power,I cannot speake enough of this content,
It stops me heere, it is too much of ioy,And this, and this, the greatest discord be,
That ere our hearts shall make."

CECILE: What’s That? “

CECILE’S DAD:

” I have a cold and this is the prefect time for me to speak like OTHELLO. Come, let vs to the Castle.Newes friends, our warres are done, the Turks are drownd How doe our old acquaintance of the Isle.Honny, you shall be well desir'd in CypresI haue found great loue amongst them O my sweete,I prattle out of fashion, and I dote,”

His voice diminishing in the background.

He used to be a Shakespearn actor before he became a businessman. Up to now I still can’t get him to act in my movies.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

I got gifts from everyone except CECILE’S GRANDMOTHER. All in all it was a very interesting meet. We then hoped in on TITA Grace’s car for Dinner at Cecile’s Mother’s

Stopped by the ICE CREAM JOINT IN GREEN HILLS the one beside the movie theater to get some PISTACHIO

FLIM: “ One gallon of Pistachio please and two pints of the same flavor.”

RUBY (Cecile’s cousin): Why are we having the same flavor as the main gallon?”

FLIM: “ So after the mad rush for the ice cream has subsided we would have these two beauties in reserve to assure us that we have ice creams to look forward to.”

ATTENDANT: “ Sorry sir but for one thousand we can only fill half a pint.”

FLIM: “ Come on its Christmas. The time of giving. Can’t you put in a few more scoops for holiday’s sake.”?

ATTENDANT seems hesitant.

FLIM: “ Come on please. I wont tell people that you keep your pet cockroach on the
Ice cream viewing glass plate.”

The Attendants eyes widens in horror as he sees the aforementioned cockroach making its way up the pane. He quickly grabs the roach with one sweep of his rug and its existence is ....but a memory.

FLIM: “ So where were we?”

ATTENDANT: “ Two pints coming up sir.”

I just love the holidays.

Cecile’s Mother is another woman with style. Her parties are small in attendance but the guests are carefully chosen to guarantee a night of nice conversations and relaxed dining.But the food….

Her specialty is KALDERETA!. Its sauce is so thick with lamb juices and Spanish sausages marinated with olive oil and chopped olives that you can expect your spoon to stand on it.

Bernie was there. A family friend. He’s big brawny guy and a survivalist. Another fun guy. He claims that he’s an expert in every martial arts imagined by man. And he also has this uncanny ability of talking about something and then shifting topics without any segue whatsoever.

BERNIE: “ I do fairly low reps but heavy weights. I always go for maximum regularity. I bench press 300 pounds for warm ups. Never lift heavy weights without warming up. I don’t believe in COMBAT style shooting. Most of the time you get shot from behind by his wingmen. I had a fight with a colonel once He was aiming the gun on my head just a few inches from my temple. I COULD HAVE DISARMED HIM with my SIDE TWIST parry. BUT I elected to make peace first. And then we needed up having a drink and then a guy from behind me sat down with us. Turns out that he had an armalite pointed at my back if I fought the colonel I would have been shot. But as I tell my students if you were given a choice to fight or run. Then its better to run. Despite the incredible martial arts training I give them I always teach them to run. ”

FLIM: “ What if they shoot you from behind. What happened to all that martial arts training you gave them?”

BERNIE: “ Can you please pass the salad…”?

That night I opened Cecile’s dad’s present for me and it was a two pairs of pants and a shirt. The pants didn’t fit.

FLIM: “ I USED TO BE 34…NOW IT DON’T FIT! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!”