Footage from my latest project. The restoration of a music video I did several years ago.


PRODUCTION MANAGER:” Why did you have to change it? I liked it the first time.

FLIM: “ I don’t know. I just wasn’t too crazy with the first cut. Budgetary limitation
Aside we didn’t have the technical access for my vision of what hell truly looked like.

PRODUCTION MANAGER: “ So is this what hell looks like for you? “

FLIM: “ Before yes. But as you grow older your concept of hell changes.Then it was all fire and brimstone.Now, we don’t have to go very far. Just open the papers and look out the window. Try going from one place to the other, this is hell.

But I’m digressing, what I originally wanted was thousands of naked writhing bodies impaled on spikes all mouthing the chorus of the song.

PRODUCTION MANAGER:” That’s really gross! In your original version the angel was inside this wall of darkness, now he’s in the middle of giant cavern ,sourrounded by a raging inferno. I prefer the wall of darkness. Leaves room to the imagination,you know? ”

FLIM: “ Yeah I know what you mean. That’s what I said too in my intial pitch. He’s going to be in the middle of this black void. So you really don’t know where he is. Is he imprisoned in a windowless pit, or stranded on the edge of eternity. But the reality of it was that there was no budget for any sets. So your predecessor and I got a lot of black garbage plastic bags and hung them all over the place.

And you know what’s really funny. Back then I knew I would want to go back and alter the shot I was doing. And by sorrounding the actor in total black, I could pull a perfect matte out of it.”

PRODUCTION MANAGER: So are you calling this your director’s cut? “

FLIM: “ Nah, I call it the TINGGA edition.”

PRODUCTION MANAGER: “ Are we going to air it? “

FLIM: “ I don’t think we can. We need to get permission from the parent recording company who commissioned it.”

PRODUCTION MANAGER: “ SO WHAT’S THE POINT OF DOING IT? “

FLIM: “ MY dear girl, this was just a test project to see what we can do with our latest
Toys. From this I can acertain what we can and cannot do.”

PRODUCTION MANAGER: “ what can we do? “

I just gave her a smile.

This is what I’m working on now. Selina’s yaya went on a two-week holiday for the Christmas break. So that meant Cess and me would take turns in watching over the baby full time.

Last Friday, I volunteered to take Selina to the mall.

CESS: “ Why don’t you take our cook to accompany you.”

FLIM: “ Nah I want to spend some quality time with the baby. Take her around. Look at some books and toys, a ride or two and then some refreshments. The works.”

CESS: “ I’M NOT TOO SURE THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT.”

FLIM: “ I CAN. I USE TO TAKE HER TO Jollibee in the mornings so this won’t be any diff.”

So we dropped off Cess in her office and right off, Selina did her thing!

SELINA: “ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WHERE’S MOMMY GOING, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

FLIM: “ Ohh there, there I’ll take you shopping and we’ll buy toys and we’ll have fun! “

SELINA: “ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OPEN DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR! “

I told the driver to hit the pedal to the metal! And we were off! But before going to Glorietta I dropped by the supplier who ‘s contracted to sell me the latest editing machine.

By then SELINA was at full throttle!

SELINA: “ mOOOMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! WHERE’S MOMMMMEEEE! “

FLIM: “ Shush, keep quiet! I just have to get some last minute check up on daddee’s new editing equipment then were’ off.”

SELINA: “ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON’T! LIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

Everyone in the building was looking at me. We went inside the elevator where she screamed her head off! Acoustics in enclosed spaces are really tricky! Three other occupants inside had to hold their hands to their ears. I was too deaf by then to even notice any difference.

I went to the office and there was my tech supervisor. He was giving the specs and the best possible set up to maximize my latest acquisition.

TECH SUPE: “ So you need an extra power generator because this machine is going to suck up all the electronic supply in your house my advice…


SELINA: ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMME!!!!!! I WANT MOMMMEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

FLIM: “ Don’t mind her, she just got out of prison and is experiencing separation anxieties.”

Tech supe goes on talking but Selina ‘s vocal prowess found an extra hidden energy reserve and it went from decibel levels to supersonic sub frequencies!

TECHSUPE: “ ……………………..Instant……………………then………………separate………….
………………………So I …………….not.”

FLIM: “ Uhm can we just talk on the phone. I’m not really getting any of this!”

While holding her as she gyrated and whipped up a tantrum of a cosmological magnitude.

So we we went off to glorietta. And when we climbed the escalator she suddenly smiled and the cries abated.

SELINA: “ Escalator, WHOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I was totally exasperated and I thought that the worst was over that once we were inside she would see so many distractions that she wont even notice her mother missing.

That illusion was suddenly shattered thirty minutes later when she threw a fit over at the POWER ZONE.

FLIM: “ I thought you wanted to ride the horsie! “

SELINA: “ Jet plane! “

FLIM: “ Ok! OK! “

So we strapped ourselves inside the sega powered simulator and we were off and running!

Selina kept pressing the change view button so I amaze even myself when I was able to hit all the targets!

BOY SPECTATOR: “ Hey youre good! Even when she’s changing your view button.”

FLIM: “ Try raising a kid like this and I can do anything! “

She then brought me to the skateboard simulator and we rode that too! She became dizzy and kinda liked walked funny so we took a breather beside the fountain. I then went to the Potatoes corner to get her some barbeque flavored French fries.

While on line, she ran off and I had to chase her! This happened nine times, try doing that while lining up for some fries.

When our turn was near I decided to just wrestle her and pin her under my arms as I wait for my turn. But like the fearless and energetic combatant that she is, she wriggled out of my headlock and climbed my shoulders. It was like trying to catch a slippery fish.

VENDOR: “ what would you like sir.”

FLIM: “ 2 barbeques please and make it quick, I might drop the kid.”

VENDOR: “ here you are.”

FLIM: “ Can you fish out the money on my right side pocket? Both of my hands are full at the moment! “

SELINA: “ I WANT TO GO TO FOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VENDOR: “Ohm what a loud voice for a child. Are all children like that?”

FLIM: “ My advise to you, is NEVER TO BEAR CHILDREN! ITS LUNACY! Keep the change! “

Feeding her was a breeze; it’s the catching up with her as she runs like a gazelle thru the crowed ground floor of glorietta that’s the trick!

Two hours later after riding the escalator, forty times straight, which she was crazy for? I had to sit down and think about life.

This was just one day. And she’s now 3. I wonder what she will be like when she’s four, five or six. Would I have the stamina and the patience to weather the storm? Will I survive it? I should be an optimist; hell I wont even survive today.

Around six thirty, I had to call reinforcements.

FLIM: “ HELLO, CESS. SEND HELP NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! “

My wife picked us up at around 7. And as I slumped inside the car, I dropped like a log.

CESS: “ Well how was it? “

FLIM: “ When the yaya gets back, give her a raise! “

THE FELLOWSHIP OF ACTION FIGURES

THERE IS NO LIFE IN THE VOID!

FLIM: “ HOW much for that SAURON action figure?”

SALESLADY: “ 1,150! “

FLIM: “ How much for the one that includes SARUMAN? “

SALESLADY: “ 1380.”

THERE IS NO LIFE IN THE VOID!

FLIM: “ But my friend said that he got SAURON with SARUMAN for 1,150. Why and when was the price raised?”

BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!

SALESLADY: “ they made a mistake at the head office and realized that they priced it at the same level when the one with SARUMAN should be more expensive>”

THERE IS NO LIFE IN THE VOID!

FLIM: ” Sounds fair enough. Ok give me a few seconds to decide which to get.”

CESS: “ Why do you have to decide, it’s pretty obvious that you’ll get the one with the saruman figure included.”?

BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!

FLIM: “ ye that’s a steal but the problem is they don’t look good together inside the blister pack. They look cramped. But look at the single SAURON he looks pretty cool and sinister. Alone in his box, he retains the majesty and fearsome aura that should be his alone.

BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!

Look at the SAURON AND SARUMAN TANDEM. They look like gay lovers out for a SATURDAY BONDAGE SESSION.”

CESS: “ But you’ll open it…so why does it matter.”

FLIM: “ Oh no. I’m not opening this. Im just putting it in display!


SALESLADY:” That’s what the other Chinese guy said. He also took a long time in deciding which of the two to get. His display case is made out of glass and has this small bulb like things inside.

FLIM: ” Halogen lamps. Makes for very good mood lighting. Can you hold on to these I need to think?

THERE IS NO LIFE IN THE VOID!

When in doubt never buys. Just walk around to clear your head and put things in the proper perspective.

CESS: " And will you please stop pressing the button on the back, it might wear off the batteries

" BUILD ME AN ARM...."

SALESLADY: “ ok But you better come back soon. A lot of people are looking for these.

I wandered the mall and went into this small toyshop. I promised to get the kid a nice looking and evil toy that she can play with. When lo and behold I find a SURON SARUMAN double team package for …1,100.

FLIM: ‘ DID YOU KNOW that in the department store they raised their prices because the head office said that they made a mistake?”

MANAGER: “ We are not raising our prices here. What you see is what you get.”

FLIM: “ Bag it! “


THE TWO TOWERS EXTENDED EDITION MISHAP.

When my TWO TOWERS extended edition arrived, I was so happy that I breezed thru my lectures with excitement and anticipation for the film viewing to come. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the DVDs and they were littered with large scratches and deep fissure groves.

MY PRECIOUS! WHY MY PRECIOUS?

I did not have the heart to watch it. I called up my supplier who promised to replace them.

Today the replacement arrived but again, it is damaged with scratches and fingerprints. That’s disc 1, so I just exchanged and replaced the damaged discs. Now I have in my possession an amalgamation of the two towers. Parts of the older package and bits of the newer one.

Original DVD manufacturers are getting very sloppy indeed.

RETURN OF THE KING.

My producer texted me that he bought me and Cess two tickets for THE RETURN OF THE KING PREMIERE. GREAT GUNS! WHAT A NICE GUY!

CESS: “ BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER’S PARTY. She’s hosting one this week and…”

FLIM: “ My dear, there’s no contest. OF COURSE we have to cancel your mother’s party. As much as I like your Mom, I can’t resist the temptation of the one ring!

Maybe they can move the party or something.”

CESS: “ Its her party. We’re just invited.”

FLIM: “ I know. I know! The tragedy of it all.”

Ticktockticktockticktock, REPENT SAID THE TICKTOCKMAN TO THE HARLEQUIN.

CESS: “ Let’s cancel the party! “

And we both giggled like evil hobittses on a small fishing boat. But of course we all know how that all turned out.

Haven’t been able to write anything new for the past weeks. I have been too busy

Yesterday I took the time to take CESS out to watch MASTER AND THE COMMANDER. She’s been very worried about SELINA that she doesn’t sleep regularly.

I’m also worried and working up until 400 in the morning leaves me little time to sleep.So I persuaded her to take a breather.

After the movie We had lunch in this new Japanese restaurant in ROBINSONS.

Then it was back to work. I’ll have the production photos up and running by next week and I’ll post them here.

My TWO TOWERS extended edition arrived last week. Pity that I can’t watch it too many things to do.


Cess’s friend, Therese told us over dinner , celebrating her house warming ,inside her fabulous new glass house, That she does not read newspapers anymore.

“ Im sick of reading bad news everytime I open the papers in the morning.”

She mumbled as she served up some very delicious black pasta.

I agree with her. But I have no choice. I have this irresistible urge to find out what happens next.

In the gym this morning, An old nice lady who was walking the threadmill alongside mine voiced the same opinion.

OLDLADY: “ So FPJ is running for president. He will win.”

FLIM: “ Of course he will. There are more idiots here in this country than thinking ones! “

OLDLADY: ” It’s a very sad day.”

FLIM: “ Blame it on the poor.BUT ALSO BLAME THE RICH! But then again the POOR MIND SET is “ We are poor and if we can’t better our lot then we might a well bring the entire country down with us!”The rich sector has the responsibility of giving back something to the country thru scholarship funds or anything to educate the ignorant masses. But what do they do? They just cart off their money somewhere else!

OLDLADY: “ The rich mind set is “ We don’t care what happens just as long as it doesn’t touch our investments! “

FLIM: “ That’s what the aristrocrats thought in FRANCE during MARIE ANTIONETTE’s time.

PRE-PROD PART-1

Production assistant: “ Ok what do you need?

FLIM: I need a location that has dense foliage and dark green vegetations. I don’t like plants that looked like it hasn’t been watered for days. I want it to look really wet.

Production assistant: TANAY RIZAL?

FLIM:” Are you kidding me? Every local film production always go to TANAY Rizal for their Jungle location! NO! We have to find some place that isn’t all TALAHIB fields everywhere. I WANT A JUNGLE LOCATION.

Production assistant: “ How about PALAWAN? “

FLIM: ”Hmmmm. But how much would it cost to transport the actors and the equipment? Bedside’s that’s too far off from our main supply line.”

Production assistant: “ How about the sunken gardens in U.P?”

FLIM: “ Fair enough.”

Production assistant: “ How about the lighting system. Do you have any preferences? “

FLIM: ”Here’s the list of lighting packages. Let’s put it it at the lowest priority list. I’m more inclined to use the natural elements as my cinematographer.

Production assistant: “ What kind of camera are we using…”

FLIM:” Here ….

Production assistant: “ Ohhh…yes we don’t need much light for that.”

FLIM: “ Lets just get a lot of reflectors.”

Production assistant:” Ok here’s the quote for the catering services. The name on the second list is my wife’s aunt she’s very good with apretada.”

FLIM: ”Hmmmmmmm….(swishing of pages being turned.) Let’s do without the catering. We’ll just pack a lot of sardines and spams and plenty of rice and soft drinks!

Production assistant: “ But what about nutritious food? We’ll be shooting…”

FLIM:” We’re shooting a low budget number here, and not running a health program.Sardines and canned goods are the staple food of every Filipino film production. Who are we to break that kind of tradition?

Production assistant:” Well have you seen the movies that come out using that kind of meal? “

FLIM: ” Last time I checked the outcome of the film depends on the director, scriptwriter, cinematographer, editor and actors. Not on what’s simmering on the plate.

Production assistant: ”But the people working on the film, they need sustenance.
They need good food to regain their energy to work?”

FLIM: ” ALL SPECULATION!

Production assistant: “ Would you have at least some brain food around. Like peanuts? “

FLIM: “ Are you trying to insinuate that sardines are not good meal substitutes?
Are you to trying to shoot down our entire sardine cottage industry?

Production assistant: ” I eat sardines but they just don’t fill me.”

FLIM: ”And what does? “

Production assistant: “ KALDERATA and stewed beef. Those are good shooting foods.”

FLIM: ” I subsisted on sardines and bread for months when I was on a diet and I had plenty of excess energy! Besides they’re cheap and very accessible everywhere we go. Even if we get stuck in some sleazy out of the way province. You can hike up to the nearest sari-sari-store and buy sardines.”

Production assistant: “ Why are you cost-cutting so much. Where would the bulk of the money go? “

FLIM: ” Listen, the whole point of the sardines and canned goods thing is that we are a Spartan unit! We shall travel light and fast, SET UP FAST, SHOOT FAST! This is not an industry level project. This is a guerilla enterprise. EATING is going to be a NECESSITY not a luxury!
No over eating in between takes. OVER EATING mean’s SIESTA times and sluggish body movements! WE ARE GOING TO BE LEAN AND HUNGRY!

We are a covert team. If we get shot down behind enemy lines then the government would disavow our existence, deny our citizenship And leave us for the dogs.

Production assistant: “ But eating good food is important.”

FLIM: “ When you’re producing your own film and using your own money then that’s when you get KALDERATA and BEEF STEW. But THIS IS MY MONEY AND MY PROJECT, SO THE WORD IS SARDINES!”

Production assistant: “ Where would the majority of the budget go?”

FLIM: “ Good point. Here let me open the door and show you …. wait a sec…. There! “

Production assistant: “ OH MY… I…WOW! OHHH…How many carpenters did you employ to make this? Can I touch it ? IS it still wet? ”

FLIM: “Not there, it hasn’t set yet. The point is when all is said and done, you wont have SARDINES and canned foods on the screen. And neither your KALDERATA nor BEEF STEW would get top billing OR GET ANY screen time. Every centavo we have would have to be seen up there! Either as a great looking set or an incredible miniature cityscape, or an amazing set piece.IT HAS TO BE SEEN UP THERE!

Production assistant: ” Ok I understand it now. So what brand of sardines are we getting? PLease tell me where’ getting portugese sardines…please! please!

HALLOWED EVE

So here I am at the eve of Halloween, doing what? WHAT ELSE but creating MONSTERS! APT ISN’T IT? Like a mad scientist I have not seen the light of day for…uhm days. Locked inside my laboratory I sew pieces of different limbs and body parts to create something new. But alas. Nothing is ever new. All of them have been done before. VIRGIL and the Greek poets, VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN, DR. MOREAU,LOVE CRAFT, THE ATOM BOMB. They have done it, years ago. So how does one top that? One doesn’t.

One might emulate or do a variation but …

I don’t know. My mind reels from such thoughts.

Sometimes I purchase a limb that is impossible to come by. Only to discover that it doesn’t fit. Then I ‘m faced with quandary of tossing the limb into the junk pile or totally abandoning the present structure and start a new with the aforementioned limb.

Choices…choices…choices…

NEVER ENDS

Then there is the wife of course.

She vexes me about the Promethean amount of electricity that I use up. BUT OF COURSE! How can you bring a MONSTER to life without that most precious substance that most vital of elements? ELECTRICITY!

IT’S A Time honored device, ALMOST TRADITION in every HORROR GENRE.

She also complains about the laboratory smelling like garlic. What can I say? I love that spice. It also keeps the competition out.

So here I’m writing my journals. Resting my tired eyes. Contemplating the missing factor that will bring my creation to life. Asking the universe how can I create the most HORRIBLE MONSTER OF ALL.Then the door opens and she screams!

Equipped with a pair of wings wrenched from some poor pixie she faces me and opens her terrible mouth. It is then that the horrific realization dawned on me. I HAVE ALREADY CREATED THE MOST HORRIBLE MONSTER OF ALL TIME,

GAZE UPON HER VISAGE AND DESPAIR, ALL YE MIGHTY AND POWERFUL!!!!

1ST TENTACLE

STEADICAM ASSEMBLED! Joe and me put together the contraption in less than an hour.Distribution of weights were designed on heavy the camera is. Meaning, you have to change the poundage when you change lenses. The giant telephoto extensions for the bolex add five pounds, while the wide-angle attachment somewhere between two to four.

The battery that I use which can take up to nine hours straight shooting, is another giant waiting to be carried.

We did test shots of extensive tracking and dolly movements. Configuring and re-configuring the weight.

JOE: Normally it would take months for somebody to get the hang of it. But you did it in a few hours. Honestly Im not surprised since you were able to do long tracking shots that looked like steadicam shots so I guess you know the basics inherently.

So the question that pops into mind is why did I get a steadicam when I can already do steady shots right? I don’t know but the equipment looks very cool! (Of course I know. I can make my steady shots look a lot steadier! )

2ND TENTACLE

Massive re-editing on the COMFORT WOMEN documentary’s been finished. We have an official title, EXORCISING DEMONS. First cut was 3 hours long. Parred it down to 2 and 30.

3RD TENTACLE

I’m into the 2nd act of the script that JOE commissioned me to do. Having a great time doing it. It’s a blast to write something, knowing that you wont direct it. In the past whenever I write a scene I stop dead in my tracks and then take out the calculator, “ HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THAT? HOW MUCH IS THAT GOING TO COST? “ Then you start dialing and making inquiries about so-so location, so-so equipment and such. By the end of the day I go back to the view screen and delete the scene, COSTS TOO MUCH!

Joe has given me CARTE BLANCHE on the entire story. Insisting that I should insert my trademark, black humor.

I said that I’d try. I believe that the humor should be found in the premise and not inserted for humor’s sake. If I don’t find it in the material then it’s not there! But the story is primed with so many possibilities that it takes me time to explore every avenue possible!

4TH TENTACLE

Just finished the re-mastering of a music video I did years ago. I did this MTV for 50 thousand pesos. Really dirt-cheap. That measly sum covered everything and quite frankly I wasn’t that happy with the finished cut. So now after 5 years I went back and did my special director’s cut , TINGGA EDITION.

Using the state of the arts digital equipment at my disposal I was able to shape it into what I always wanted it to look like. Now I know how GEORGE LUCAS must have felt like.

But there’s no massive re-structuring done, like HAN SOLO shooting first. Besides it’s just a damn music video! What can you do?

I don’t know if I should even submit it for airing. Probably just put it in my demo-reel.

5TH TENTACLE

I’m being commissioned to do a documentary about the URBAN POOR. I don’t know how much the budget will be but this would be a civic duty kinda thing. Armed with the latest technological equipment, I will land on their homes when they least expect it and shoot every inch of their abode. My camera will glide and swoop from the rafters and into the very soul of the least forgotten half hammered nail on their flooring. I will show the humanity in those impoverished structures, ‘ THE HUMANITY! THE UTTER HUMANITY OF IT ALL! “

First it was the COMFORT WOMEN, now the URBAN POOR. Am I becoming a social realist?


7TH TENTACLE

Also spending a lot of quality time with SELINA. Since I’m in the CAVE most of the time I put her to sleep on the couch with the SIMPSON’S 3RD SEASON DVDS playing.THE SOUTH PARK DVD was conveniently lent by CESS to her dad. I wouldn’t be shocked if there was a secret command not to have it returned. Anyway I’ll just go and get a new one and watch it when the kid’s not around.

8TH TENTACLE


CESS: “ Now why are you doing that? Shouldn’t you be shooting or something? “

FLIM: “ I need a g>VACATION. And this is what im going to learn during my free time. Other people study languages and cooking but I’m going to study this!

CESS: “ And how much did it cost you to get that equipment and those things what ever you call them? (Pointing at the new machine and the various cables that come out of it)

FLIM: “ You wouldn’t want to know.”

CESS: “ Have you checked your students grades yet? “

FLIM: “ Yep. I’m going to do the tally of their final grade after I animate the hind tentacle of the KRAKEN

I have been sitting on the strong>WORKSTATION for about a week now as I study the basic rudiments of COMPUTER GRAPHICS ANIMATION. It is true that it does take some time from me, from doing the commissioned script and the shooting of my two projects. But since the sem- break already started I figured this is the best time to do it. Im not going to hike off to some distant cordilleira mountain to discover the inner me, or go to the beach and get a tan! I can get that while waiting for a cab.

Joe told me that I could easily just pass it off to the computer graphics division. That’s true but I want to do it on my own. Delegating spfx elements to a third party is a common practice in the professional world. You shoot the main plate and then pass it off to the SPFX team and then you sit down with them and express thru words or drawings what you want them to do.

They then build something and after a few days you are called to check on it and you either like it or hate it or it brings you to another tangent

While doing it on your own, aside from saving you tons of time communicating and shuttling back and forth to the studio, gives you complete creative control. You are no longer under the whim of the technoids.TECHNOID: “ Sorry Direk, we can’t do that shot it’s too complicated.”

TECHNOID 2: “ Ohhh that’s going to take a lot of rendering time.”

TECHNOID 3: “We can do that but we need to boost our production budget.”

By investing on the software and the hardware’s I can save a lot of money in the long run. Now I have a computer graphics division in my studio and I don’t have to deal with those TECHNOIDS ever! Of course I have to go thru tons of books that weigh heavier than those damn yellow pages and I have to cram and click my way thru PERDITIONS FLAME before I can come up with something passable.

But I would go thru PERDITIONS FLAME before I give up! In fact when I look at the mirror I ‘m beginning to resemble…

OHHH GOSH! I AM A TECHNOID! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FLIM: “ Anyway…her school teacher asked Selina if she was enjoying herself. And Selina looks at her with her big eyes and said, ‘ S..U..C..K…M..Y..A..S..S.”

I was in the canteen with my fellow teacher, TATS , DOCTORA TACAR and our funny chairperson MRS B.

TATS: “Well you should have heard what my niece told my mother when she was scolded by my Mom, She said, “ASSHOLE!”

FLIM: “ NO SHIT! “

TATS: ” Yes.. and she’s only three.”

DOCTOR TACAR: “The daughter of my niece, I told her to stop playing in the rain and she said, ‘ FUCK A DUCK! “

FLIM: ”Frightening!

MRS. B: “ I have a horror story to tell. I was in the States because I was helping my sister, baby-sit her four-year-old child. Well one day MY NIECE did something bad. I don’t recall what but I pinched her and told her to stop it. You know what she said? She said, “ OUCHHHHH!!!I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE! “And she went to the phone and started to dial.

I took the phone away from her and placed it back on the cradle and said, “If you CALL the police I’ll kill YOU!! “

She cried and said, “ Noooooooooo!!!You’ll kill me?????? Noooooooo!!! I’m really going to call the police! ! “

And she tried to grab the phone from me. I told her, “ If you call the police, I’LL KILL THEM TOO! “

She cried, “ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You’ll kill me? Nooooooooooooo!!!!
I’m going to tell my mother! “

I told her to keep quiet! And if she tells’s her mother…I’LL KILL HER TOO! She cries again, “ NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You can’t kill my mother! NOOOOO!!!!!! I’ll just tell my father! “

Then my sister comes in. She asked what that crying was all about. I told her the entire story and she started to laugh. She then told her daughter that she would be the one to tell the father about my pinching. But you know kids right? When you tell them not to do something that’s when they really DO IT!

So I tell my niece, “ YOU TELL YOUR FATHER AND I’LL KILL HIM TOO! “

My niece then started crying again and said, “ MOTHER DID YOU HEAR THAT? SHE’S GOING TO KILL FATHER TOO…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

My sister told her that I was only joking.

So the matter was closed and I went up to my room and prepared to take a bath when my niece enters the room and sits on my bed. She looked at my suspiciously and said,

“ Auntie I was doing a lot of thinking and I don’t believe that you can kill..THE POLICE, MY FATHER and MY MOTHER and me! That’s a lot of people to kill. You’ll get tired very soon. And if you do kill the police, my mother and my father … can’t you just spare me? “

TATS: “ How old is she? “

MRS. B:” Only five.”

FLIM: “ It’s frightening!

MRS. B:” Yes they mature really fast.”

FLIM:” That’s not what I meant. It’s frightening to think that you’re the chairman of the department!

It’s been almost a week and the steadicam hasn’t been assembled yet or taken out from the box. Too busy writing the 2nd act of the script. And then editing and polishing the scripts of my students for the planned graphic novel. And trying to contact some printers. Thanks to Carl for referring decent printers.

Gosh I must be really getting old. I remember when I get a new toy, I just can’t sleep till I opened them and played scrutinized and read and re-read the instruction manual and finally succumbing to a deep slumber with my arms draped around my new lover.

It happened with my super 8, 16 mm and DIGITAL cameras! It happened with my DVD player, my cyber street fighter motorcycle, and my toy collection.

I read the forewards of my graphic novels before the whole thing, a form of literary foreplay. Building up an appetite for the long haul as they say.

But now…I’m just too plain busy to even open them from the box.

It happened with my MANFROTTO TRIPODS, now it’s happening with the STEADICAM. The fact that they are somewhere inside the room is enough with me.

I just have too many on my plate right now.

Aside from the writings, I still have four classes to teach. All women. Quite a handful at times. One lone MALE lost in a sea of femininity.

Then there’s the remastering of the music video and this new project.

I don’t even have time to watch the TAKEN boxed set nor the SIMPSON’S 3RD SEASON SET.

But I do have time to slip in some new dvds for selina.

I tested the BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD COMPILATION DISCand true to form, Selina loved it. Now I'm realy concerned. It seems that she got more of my sensibilties than Cess.

Cess has the WALT DISNEY, SOUND OF MUSIC,FRIENDS( TERRIBLY YUCKY TV SERIES)general patronage taste. My sensibility? It's not the type that can sit quietly while FRIENDS is playing.

One time I played ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW and Selina danced THE TIME WARPI didnt find it strange at first. Children love musicals.But when she fast forwarded and chewed the SOUND OF MUSIC DVD that's when I became suspicious!

The only Disney movie that she can still enjoy is THE LITTLE MERMAID.But then again her favorite song is

Les poissons, les poissons
How I love les poissons
Love to chop and to serve little fish
First I cut off their heads
Then I pull out their bones
Ah mes oui, savez toujours delice

At least I haven't heard any swearing stories this week.

GLIDING THE SKY

YEEHAWWWWWWW!!!!! A new weapon to add to my arsenal!
I got this tuesday evening. This very expensive package costs a hefty sum and now it’s within my hands! It’s partial payment for a film script I’m writing for my old friend and fellow filmmaker, GI JOE

I have never written a film script for anyone. I basically write for myself. But Joe and I have been helping each other out thru the years. He did most of the intricate sound designs in my works back then when the term digital was just applied to musical scoring and MIDI was in the “ IN “ term.

I on the other hand acted in his films. Usually playing a villain.( Figures doesn’t it? )
Most of the time I enjoyed it but there was a time I was hanging 70 feet above a cavern lake. With no safety rope, I was clinging with my bare hands and had to climb thru a jagged wall while carrying a backpack filled with rocks. After huffing and puffing my way on top.

JOE: “ Ok let’s do another take! “

Oh yeah easy for him to say. I have to do the climbing down and then hanging by my bare hands routine. So I go down and I clench my teeth and hold on to dear life.

FLIM: “ READY WHEN YOU ARE! “

JOE: “ Wait I have to meter the light.

And Stands up over the edge and takes his sweet time taking light meter readings
while I hanged on to dear life.

FLIM: “ Well? “

JOE: “ Wait….5.6…uhm foot candles…hmmm lets…

I tried to find a notch in the rock to cleave my booths on. But the damn wall is just too slippery.

FLIM: ”BETTER HURRY…I’…”

JOE:” OK ! ACTION! “

I climbed again and this time my face had this determined look, Of course I had a determined look. I was determined not to fall into the lake below with its dark waters filled with BAT GUANO…Or at least that’s what I hoped it was.

JOE:” Ok..lets do another take.”

I just stood there and looked at him.

JOE: “ This time I want you to have this determined look.

FLIM: “ I already have a determined look.”

JOE: “ Well let’s have a more determined look.”

We were both directors but it was his film and that means he is the captain and all I could do is to obey. I just hoped that they can recover and identify what’s left of me when I do slip.

After the ninth take, he must have seen my most determined look because he said that it was perfect!

Another notable moment was when we were shooting my fight scene. He said that it was my big moment.

JOE: “ Ok we are going put squibs all over you and then when I
say action….”

FLIM: “ WAIT!WAIT!WAIT! SQUIBS? You mean as in
pyrothecnics Is this going to hurt? “

JOE: “ I don’t know . I haven’t tried it myself.”

FLIM: “ Are you going to give me a signal when they will detonate? “

JOE: “ I don’t think I should. I want you get surprised when you get hit so…when they do explode …you’d be surprised.”

FLIM: “ That’s very STANISSLAVSKY! BUT ISNT THOSE
THINGS DANGEROUS?

I read that certain squibs exploded inward instead of outward and that they can burn you with the flashes.never thought that I was going to be at the recieving end of a squib.But hey, this is Joe. The guy who patiently layered 12 overlapping tracks for my short film opus. The sound was so good that in the CYBERPUNK film showing in Japan, the audience thought that it was a 35 mm film despite the fact that it was only in super 8.

FLIM: “ What the hell , let’s do it! “

He yelled action, gun squibs exploded all over the place and before I knew it , I collapsed with a heap of blood on me.

JOE: “ That was great! “

I’ll tell more stories about our collaborations next time. But for the moment let me rave about the steadicam system that I now have.

Initially I wasn’t so keen on getting one. I really favour the hand held, catch the moment, fly by the handle type of shooting style that is the hall mark of the documentary and cinema verite style. Im not referring to the supposed “ crazy shots” that cameramen in local noon time shows and the Philippine mtv chapter are so fond of doing. Their version of the hand held shot is way too blatant and obvious. Does not carry the marks of a true hand held shot.

So there was Joe trying to convince me to get the Steadicam gizmo.

JOE: ” You have to get one. Specially you ,( he was referring to my penchant for intricate camera moves and complicated shots! ) I can now imagine what shots you would be doing .

The irony of it all was , I spent huge amounts of time doing fluid and steady shots that seemed like it was shot using a steadicam during my early films. But in the latter ones I wanted a more unrestrained look. A more spontaneous look.

Getting a steadicam was the furthest thing from my mind.

Then one day we were on the phone discussing our individual projects. He told me about a movie script that he was developing for filming.

He then offered me to write the screenplay.

Imbue the story with my black humour.

Be glad to help, I said.

In two days I had the first act. He loved it!

I wasn’t expecting anything. So I was pleasantly surprised when he informed me that he ordered the Steadicam as a down payment for my fee as a writer.

GETTING a Steadicam is the furthest thing from my mind.

NOW I HAVE IT! I WONDER WHAT SHOTS I WOULD DO? AND I'M GIDDY AS A SCHOOL BOY.CINEMA VERITE BE DAMNED!( for the time being
at least)

THE BLACK SWEARING JEDI

MADDONA AND CHILD VS. FLIM

Enchancing and beefing up an MTV I did a few years back,Selina opens the door and sits beside me.

She then grabs the DVD that Cess told me to throw away.

SELINA: “ PHLAY..SAWT PAKKHHH! “

I ignore her.

SELINA: ‘ PHLAY SAWT PAKKKHHHH! “

FLIM: “ NO! Your Mother said , NO MORE SAWT PAKKHHH!SO NO MORE SAWT PAKHHHHH! “

SELINA: “ PHLAY SAWT PAKKKKHHH! “

FLIM: “ Tell you what. Im going to get……

I scan the DVD HOLDING PENS.

FLIM: “ How about PIGLET’S BIG MOVIE? “

SELINA: “ PHLAY SAWT PAKKKHHH! “

She begins to get irritated.

SELINA: “ PHLAY SAWT PAKKKHHH! “

FLIM: “Im not going to play SAWT PAKKKHHH anymore! You’re turning into a little swearing machine! I didn’t start swearing until I was seven.You’re barely three years and you cuss like an OLD WOMAN! NO! NO! NO! “

SELINA: “ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! “

FLIM: “ You’re not going to manipulate me as easy as that! Cry all you want . IM not going to play it. Just listen to south pacific. That’s the closes south you’re going to get! “

SELINA: “ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

I continue ignoring her as I create a minature set of HELL.

Five minutes later Selina conjures up a more horrific Hell than I could ever make

SELINA: “ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

FLIM: ‘ WHAT DO YOU WANT? “ ( The dumbest question I have ever asked all week.)

SELINA: “ PHLAY SAWT PAKKKHHH! “

FLIM: ” ALLRIGHT! ALL RIGHT! SAWT PAWK IT IS! BUT NO MORE DADDEE.DADDEE PLAY SAWT PAK! MOMME SOUTH PAWKS DADDE’S HEAD! “

I placed the disc inside and within a span of a few seconds all hell broke loose.

TV: “ FUCKER! FUCKER! SHUT YOUR FACE UNCLE FUCKER!”

Cess storms into the room and launches a left hook that connects on the right side of my head. The blow unbalances me but I was able to do a nerve pinch on her strenum, which imobolizes her for half a sec. Enough for me to back down , to elude any more blows from my vicous attacker.

Selina is oblivious to the melle as she claps her hand with joy.

SELINA: “ LOOKKK MOMMMEEEEE ITS... FUCKER! “

MADDONA AND CHILD MOMMENT 2

CESS: “ SEE? SEE? I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER WATCH THAT CARTOON? NOW LOOK AT HER! SHE’S ALREADY SWEARING! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

FLIM: “ What can I do? I slip in SOUTH PACIFIC, she ejects it! I put in SOUND OF MUSIC, she EJECTS IT! SNOW WHITE,EJECT! EJECT!She loves putting in SOUTH PARK!”

CESS: “ How is she going to get in a decent school when she cusses like that. She’s going to be branded a problem child wherever she goes.”

FLIM: “ NAHH…the way I see it, she only has a head start over those other kids! “

MADDONA AND CHILD MOMMENT

Selina came into the bedroom last Saturday morning.

CESS: “ Hi cutie. Say hello to Mommy.”

Selina smiles and embraces Cess.But she doesnt say anything.

CESS: " Come on...say,hello Mommy."

SELINA: “ S…U…C…K!!!!!!”

CESS:“NOEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

ARMY OF SPAMS

There are so many ways to cook spam.I think I've tried them all.Spam is not a member of the front liners in my cupboard. Its stacked waayyyyy back. A contingency plan when the meal for the day is not of my liking. It's beside the PORTUGESE sardine, spiced well. Its beside the Pink salmon sardines which i can fry with my special secret sauce. and the ever present Corned beef with its own secret ingredient of horse meat.

Well I Burnt myself yesterday while cooking slices of spam on the pan. The hot boiling oil popped out and hit me in the leg!The burnt mark turned dark red! DAMN FUCKING SPAM! Should have opted for MALINGinstead. Wouldnt have been cooking that shit but Cecile wanted chicken fettucine! I hate any pasta with white sauce! THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME FART!

One time I was in UWVE SCHMELTER's house parties.( The then german head of the GOETHE INSTITUE)Old SCHMELTS was very supportive of filipino artists and many filmmakers benefited from the German's art programs. Filmmakers were a constant visitor in his house at VALLE VERDE. He was also a brilliant violinist and he had that pasta served. I took a few bites and was talking to one of the german cellist.( She was cute and I do remember that she was a cellist. ) When I suddenly let loose a loud,wet one.

FLIM: " So I believe that certain aromas no matter how offensive they may smell , actually ignites our libido in some subliminal level.

CELLIST: "VONDEVAR! "

She seemed to love my segue. So I persued her deep into enemy territory.

FLIM: " Are you aware that we have natural scents that attract the opposite sex and we mask our natural scents with perfumes that were extracted from animal phermones? "

CELLIST: " Das veri interiesting. Ver did you vear it, mein herr? "

FLIM: " Read it from Desmond Morris."

I felt another one comming. DAMN THE FETUCCINES!!She let one by easily. I doubt she'll let this one off.But if I leave her , chances are the other filmmakers would do a beehive on her.They were already circling like a band of hungry piranhas looking for an opening.

POOOOOTTTTTTT!

FLIM: " WHO DID THAT ? THAT'S ATROCIOUS? "

Cellist manages a snicker as I tried looking around ,tryong to determine the identity of the farting culprit.

FLIM: " Forgive me madame but it seems that fettucine does not suit tropical climates such as the one we have here."

There was another incident in a THESIS defence where Fetucinne was served.I was part of the defence panel and I told myself," Ok YOU WANT ME GOING NAGASAKI WITH MY ASS IN THIS SMALL AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM, SO BE...IT!"

And I proceeded to eat a ton of the white cream.

After lunch , the proceedings went on. Halfway into their presentation. I felt the familiar sensation.

Oh boy this is going to be...a BIG ONE!

Bigger than a tsunnami....

More volcanic than KRAKATOA and VESUVUIS.

I scanned the faces of the innocent audience and other panelist. Was this how the people of POMPEI looked before the upheaval? Caught up with their day to day routines that they never stopped to think that this very second will be their last to breathe clean air in a socially packed room!

I cant hold it any longer no more. But I took pity on them and decided to let loose...a small burst.So with great control I relaxed....but not much. Just a little.

PWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

It didnt sound like a fart. Three teachers reached out for their cellphones and checked. Suddenly a big one exploded!It wasnt me. It Seemes that I wasnt the only one who had intimate relationships with Fetuccines. The smell was unbearable. There was a mad dash for the exit. Turmoil and pandemoniom ensued. It was spectacular!

In the melle what was I to do? I let the entire room have it.What's the point of holding back right?After all my first subtle strike was pre-emptied by a bigger mushroom cloud and the general populace was already aware of FART SWAGGERING GIANTS WALKING THE EARTH, I SAY LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!

For a brief second there was a unique chorus of anal explosions. Ahh the simple pleasures of eating and
flatulating.Nothing comes close except good sex.But then again...you can't do good sex by yourslef. ( Im pretty sure that a lot of people would argue about that.)

Personally I dont like farting. But when the urge comes...what else can one do?In the presence of polite company you can kindly excuse yourself and go to a private location and there let your gas lose. But these days I hardly keep polite company so I let them have it as much as I can!

In certain cultures, farting and belching is a sign of respect and gratitude to the host. If you dont belch then it means that you did not enjoy the food,sounds logical.

But in our society, farting is considered rude. It is a sign that one does not control his body. Which is a load of crap. WHEN DID WE EVER CONTROL OUR BODIES? Just because you can hold your stool for a few more seconds before you reach the bathroom doesn't mean you CONTROL IT.

FARTING IS LIKE THE FUTURE, IT IS INEVITABLE!

Now back to spam. Months ago I was cooking it for a guest who had the nasty habit of dropping by unannounced. I'm all for spontanueity and such but when you drop by uninvited in the middle of dinner... well I hoped there are certain cultures who execute unwanted guests when they break up a meal time. If there's none then someone should.

As I was pan frying one because he said that he hadn't eaten dinner.Me being a gracious host graciously went up the ladder and reached out thru the hidden cache of spams.

GUEST: " Hey thats good. I love spam! I just love it!"

FLIM: " Thats good. Would you want it deep fried or a little stale?"

GUEST: " A little stale. I dont like it fried. MAsks out the flavour."

FLIM: " Yeah that's pretty logical. Did you know that SPAM and MAHLING are a huge hit in ASIAN COUNTRIES. BIGGER than in the states and in EUROPE? "

GUEST: " Because they're good? "

FLIM: " Well studies said that MAHLING and SPAM are sought after here because they are the meat product which closely aproximates the taste of HUMAN FLESH? "

GUEST: " Ohh..ugghhhhh..."

I stirred the slabs and poked them with my prong.

FLIM: " And you know what means right? "

GUEST: " Ughh...no...what? "

FLIM: " If SPAM and MALING are big here ? Well then we have not totally rid ourselves of our cravings for human flesh."

GUEST : " Oh my...."

FLIM: "Yep..asian countries a long time ago ...all...."

I smelled the aroma.

FLIM: " ...CANNIBALS! "

GUEST : " Do you have fruits instead? "

I was given a new cellphone with a coloured monitor. Now, I'm not a tech junkie when it comes to phones.I mean i dont give a shit if its the classic 6150 that was previously stolen from me in acomic shop.I'm a techie when it comes to videos and film since that 's what i love to tinker with. But cellphones, not really. Anyway when I started fidling with my new 3530 i suddenly discoeverd how much fun i was missing while staring at the coloured images.

Great guns. It reminded me about black and white tv sets and how I first marveled upon the sigh tof my first coloured tv set.

Anyway the first thing I did was feed voice commands for the people listed in my memmory card.Voice commands enables the phone to dial the person's number without you keying in his numbers.I love stuff like that. So i shied out into a corner
and started issueing the assigned codenames!

HEIL HITLER! ...for my beloved spouse

KATO GAGO!..... for our driver who always get's the directions wrong.

GRISHNAK!......for Selina's yaya!

HERR DOCTOR! ...for my sister

SCHNELL STRUDELS!...for Elsie my gym buddy

FLEX MENTALLO FOR bONG MY GYM INSTRUCTOR.

KUNTA KINTE!... for my production assitant

CRY HAVOC! ...for any of my students

ACHTUNG PANZER ...FOR ANY OF MY RIDING BUDDIES

YUM!YUM!...for food establishments

MRS DEAGOL!..for our secretary

CONSTRUCTICONS!..for the carpenter.



I love barking orders and codenames! I'm going to leaf thru my stuff to come up with interesting codenames for all the numbers I have in my memory.

Yesterday I accompanied Cess to watch the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. This was my second viewing and I wasn't very pleased.

FLIM: " The first time I watched it, I had myself branded like a fucking cow in the morning so I can accompany you when you decide to watch in the evening.

Cattle branding occurs when they stamp your arm with a violet like pigment by the ticket collector when you want to go out of the movie and have intentions of coming back.In Robinsons cinemas they brand you on particular arm. Cinema one brands you on the right and cinema 2 brands you on the left.I havent watched in the other cinemas to know which part of the body they will brand you on. To those who want to be branded a word of advise.Have them brand you on the upper shoulder so that it wont wash away when you wash your hands.

FLIM:" but did you want to watch on that day? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So what do I do? I dont take a bath for two days hoping that you would decide to watch it within those days."

CESS: " I don't understand all of this? "

FLIM: " I didn't take a bath so my cattle brand wont get erased and I can come back to the movie house without paying!So I don't have to pay twice for a movie I have ALREADY SEEN!Key emphasis ON already seeeennnnnnnnnnn!!!!"

CESS: " Ohh.."

FLIM: " So what happens? On the day I do decide to take a bath, by some planetary alignment you DECIDE THAT you want TO WATCH THE MOVIE! So Now I END UP PAYING TWICE!There by nullifying the two bathless days I had to go thru."

CESS: " Well you did enjoy the movie. And you have this habit of watching movies again and again."

FLIM: " Ahh yes but that was before the advent of dvd piracy. Now I can only just watch once and then wait a couple of months and I can own a superb copy for 65 pesos."

CESS: " Well I want to watch league in the big screen."

FLIM: " can't we just watch BAD BOYS 2 instead? I haven't watched it."

CESS: " I hate BAD BOYS 1 and I will certainly hate BAD BOYS 2."

FLIM: " But you HAVEN'T SEEN BAD BOYS 1! "

CESS: " Because I dont like cussing! WHICH REMINDS ME, I heard SELINA say BITCH today! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER WATCH that VULGAR CARTOON"

FLIM: " LOOK! EVENTUALLY OUR KID WOULD LEARN TO SAY BITCH!IF SHE'S GOING TO LEARN HOW TO CUSS IT WOULD BE BETTER, UNDER PARENTAL SUPERVISION! "

We walk to the cinemas. I espy the latest PIXAR FLICK

FLIM: " How about LITTLE NEMO? We both haven't seen LITTLE NEMO."

CESS: " I'm in no mood to watch a cartoon. I want to watch live people.I want to see the real NEMO Not computer generated fish! "

FLIM: " But the voices belong to live people."

She shots me a menacing look.What can I do? So I shell out 120 pesos and entered the League theater.On second viewing I noticed the plot holes.

IF NEMO's car is a prototype how come SAWYER can drive it like a maniac? And that's the first time he rode in it. When the original League members were driven by ISHMAEL to Dorian Gray's building, Sawyer wasnt even inside. He was tailing them from behind. And what would he use to follow the car's fast accelaration? Maybe a very fast donkey!

Then we have DORIAN GRAY stealing the mini sub of the Nautilus. How did he do that? Well he hanged out around the galleys with IShmael who stopped whatever he was doing and taught him the forward and pivot controls!But the best part ,Cess spotted!

CESS: " I see Mina going berserk when she see's blood. even her own. So how can you maintain a sense of propriety when nursing to the NAUTILUS crew who were injured during the Venice Fiasco? "

FLIM: " But it's mindless fun isn't it? "

CESS: " And the Nautilus can't fit thru the canals of Venice! "

FLIM: " It can! "

CESS: " You've never been to Venice."

FLIM: " Ohhh..right I forgot. Well excuse me MADAME BOVARY, Not everyone inside this theater has been to VENICE, with you as the exception.And to correct you, I HAVE A FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE OF VENICE."

CESS:"But you haven;t been there and you never walked the .."

FLIM: " Have you played TOMB RAIDER 2? I know every inch of that city."


I still dont understand why I liked it even when it was stupid in some places.May because I grew up on these characters.I know all of them and read them when I was a kid and seeing them all in one movie is like...the ultimate cross over! So I dont care if it does have plotholes that you can druive the NAUTILUS in... I still love VICTORIAN SUPERMEN! They are educated and exhudes ENGLISH COCKINESS!

Or maybe I liked it because of the advance word of mouth. If a movie is rumored to be bad then you're expectations are pretty low so when you come in , you're pretty defenceless.Like T3. I heard it was really bad but when I saw it , I was floored!if this is a new marketingploy then it's pretty ballsy!because A lot of people would STAY AWAY FROM A BAD MOVIE!

" She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednsday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a superkinkamayamayabeeatch
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean 'ol bitch and she has stupid hair
She's a big big big big big big bitch "

Now I have done it. Selina's addicted to the SOUTH PARK DVD.The last three weeks was spent with SOUTH PACIFIC being played every single morning.Now it's SOUTH PARK. She seems to like the songs with the major cussing factors! Can't blame her tho. The best catchy tunes all involve Cuss words. Now if only Cess wont hear it as much.

Selina has been strangely fixated with movie musicals. Everytime she enters the editing room she carries with her her dvds of WINNIE THE PHOO, ROBIN HOOD, SHRECK, and SOUTH PACIFIC. She really loves the HAPPY SONG and , " THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME" For my part I enjoy watching her mimic the song and dance routine.But there's more to life than Roger and Hammerstein and WALT DISNEY. So I slipped in SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE. In no time at all She was singing, ' KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG FAT BITCH , SHE'S A BIG FAT BITCH IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD"

Of course when Cecile found out she ripped my head off.My arguement is that they were just words! Words that colour the world in a certain tinge. In fact cussing displays the clairty and emotional dept of a word ins a very concise form.
Consider a world without cuss words.

IN A CUSSLESS WORLD

HUSBAND: " Honey I had a terrible day at work. My assistant didn't do his job the way he was supposed to do. I had to do double work just to fill up his shortcommings."

WORLD OF CUSSINGS

HUSBAND: " HON, THAT STUPID FUCKING ASST FUCKED UP AGAIN AND I HAD TO SAVE HIS FUCKING ASS!!

Of course that arguement didn't hold water for my wife and she then proceeded to bash my fucking head in.In full view of the baby. I guess Its ok to bludgeon someone to death , just dont use foul language.


I tried to play my original SUPERMAN DVD on my pioneer dvd player and the chapter where SUPERMAN confronts his Father and is given a lecture as to why he should have a secret identity went POOF! PIXILATED and lost the soundtrack. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE THAT?YOU SPEND 1,500 PESOS to buy an original and it gets busted just like that. It doesnt even have scrathes and I have not lent it to anyone. SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING EXPLANATION? NOTHING! NEIN!

A friend of mine once said that the Universe abhors perfection. He said that when I just bought my motorcycle and in the first few minutes I fell down and scrathed up my perfect tanks. I agree. The UNIVERSE HATES PERFECTION. And every second it will maim , scrath, dent,rust up and wrinkle, your prized comicbooks,your dvd collection, your priceless records, and your mint toys.

The funny part is THE UNIVERSE knows what you treasure the most and it will stick it's malicous fingers right towards it!

Case in point, a friend of mine let his SANDMAN collection in his house.( If I heard the tale correctly.) These are the priceless individual issues. He left it in a box and when he opened it after a couple of years , he discovers much to his regret, the termites have feasted on it. COVER TO COVER. It didnt eat his JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA bY Griffin and MATHEIAS which he found casually amusing but went for his other Vertigo titles as well.

I had a pair of state of the art NIKE running shoes. I bought it and used it occasionally. After a few months I think I just used it up 5 times at the most. On my sixth wear, the soles crumbled beneath my feet.

When my brand new wide angle lens came in( which cost me a hefty sum.) I used it immediately on the WASTED MOVIE.My actor's corrosive saliva gave it a wet foamy kiss. Dribblets all over the place. i took a clean cloth and wiped the sirface gently. A long gnash of a scrath appeared in the lower side.

It's things like this that make you want to sit down and drool like an idiot.

Anyway the moral of the lesson I think is. NEVER BUY ORIGINAL DVDS! THeY COST MORE AND HEY BREAK DOWN TO WITH NO APPARENT REASON.BUY PIRATED DVDS. At least it would only cost you 65 pesos and when it breaks you can get another one. Try making the same arguement over a 1,500 peso dvd.

ARCHIVE IN THE MORNING! ARCHIVING IN THE EVENING! Doing four different versions of a film that should have been finished isn't my idea of a good time. So I hop my way to Robinsons to watch LEAGUE.I didn;t have any high expectations because I have been forewarned by critical reviews on line.Not to mention the terrible trailer and horrible lobby pictures.

I don't know if it was because I watched at 10 in the morning and my brain wasn't functioning on full trottle but...DAMN I LIKE IT!

In fact I liked it more than XMEN2.Well that's not much of a stretch because I didn't like xmen 2!The only thing that was notable in that movie was the time when MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE were huddled together like two queens comparing makeup secrets and nail polishing tricks.

But I'm a fan of ALAN MOORE'S LEAGUE.But this film wasn't really the comic book plot.And I knew that coming in.So how come I liked it? Strangely enough words fail me.I just got a kick out of the NAUTILUS rising out from below the london docks. And imagine my surprise when I discovered that the poster did not do justice to the actual model. It doesnt look like a world war2 submarine as I thought it would be. It looked like a SCHIMITAR, which fits the vessel that NEMO calls THE SWORDOF THE OCEAN.( I still think that KEVIN's original design of the NAUTILUS in the comic book is cooler.)The fight scenes weren't as bad as what I saw in the trailer.

However I have two main complaints. Let's start with the american addition, TOM SAWYER. He should have been shot in the first place. I know they needed a younger member so that CONNERY'S QUARTERMAIN would have a surrogate son but the actor who played SAWYER was utterly horrible!He looks terribly out of place.

My next concern is the fight scene with QUARTERMAIN and PROFESSOR MORIARTY.( Anyone who's going to bitch about me spoiling the real identity of M should have his entire bloodline lobotimized!Who else would M be in a VICTORIAN era whos- who brawl?)

For someone who is called the ultimate nemesis of SHERLOCK HOLMES, MORIARTY just acted like a common thug fending off the attacks of CONNERY than the super genuis that he really is. That was very disappionting. but what do you expect when an AMERICAN MTV director handles BRITAIN'S Literary crown jewels?

Read this from SUPERO H

" Keanu Reeves' next action hero won't have Neo's steady Zen-like calm, but it was the fiery passion that made the role of Hellblazer so attractive, according to the "Matrix" star.

"[It's] his anger. He's angry, but he's got a good heart," Reeves said recently of the comic book badass, whose real name is John Constantine.

In the "Hellblazer" comic, which is aimed at a savvy adult audience, Constantine is an Englishman with occult powers who is both a liar and a cheat and yet nevertheless often prone to doing the right thing.

Reeves said he hopes to get moving on the big-screen adaptation, which will be called simply "Constantine," as soon as September. Warner Bros. has long labored to get the DC/Vertigo comic into theaters, with Nicolas Cage at one time attached to the role before Reeves landed the job. The film will mark the feature film debut of video director Francis Lawrence, whose résumé includes clips for Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and P.O.D. "

Hollywood just screwed up ALAN MOORE'S ass after what they did to LEAGUE. The sperm juice hasn't even dried up yet and now they're going to bang him up some more. It doesnt take a genuis to figure out why CONSTANTINE will never work.

First off, KEANU REEVES. I mean that's it! Just that name! And this isnt a minor miscasting flub. Constantine is the ultimate cool magician of the Dc Universe. He is BRITISH! There's no way around that. And Reeves despite his limited acting ability, cannot pull it off.

Watch DRACULA and listen to him speak with a British accent.Reeves is perfect for one dimensional roles where the main requirement is for him to stand up and look puzzled.

Originally concieved as a minor character in SWAMP THING, Constantine was so popular that He got his own spinoff series.Moore under the prodding of Totelben and Bisste his co-creators in SWAMPY created the nickel and dime shit magician using STING as the visual template.

Based on what Reeves said about CONSTANTINE it is apparent that he does not know what he is talking about.What motivates JOHN CONSTANTINE isn't anger.He's just a complete Bastard! The ultimate son of a bitch! And that's why he's so cool! But trust Hollywood to fuck it up. They always do.

The second accident is the director. Again we have a music video director at the helm. Mtv directors are good for 3 minute shorts where the content is not the main ingredient. Sure you have fancy visuals and all those slow motion , computer graphics , exploding glass smitherins coming on to your face at 130 miles per second. BUT HELL BLAZER isnt about that!

Its about the dark side of the human condition.Most of the time the demons are more of his own making.Its a gritty noiorsh looking number and they should have gotten someone like William friedkin or Martin Scorcese to do it.
The film is being produced by Richard Donner's wife and that makes it doubly unforgivable. Because richard Donner is the only one who made an ultimate Comic book movie that worked. And still works to this day! SUPERMAN!

I saw some of the images of this new BATMAN short film and by the look of it, seems preety amazing. The costume is staright out of DARK KNIGHT returns and ALEX ROSS's War on crime.But the fan crowd is divided into two. Some really love it while the other half hated it. The subject of the contention was that the dialogue between BATMAN and The JOKER was totally bad and that the ALIEN creature and The PREDATOR appearance was over kill! I can't comment since I have not seen the thing.Since the whole thing was intended as a demo reel for the director,then the audience should just appreciate the spirit in which it was made.

Personally I love the suit. Was never too keen on the BAT NIPPLES of SCHUMACHER. And I never really went for the BAT PADDINGS either. When Tim Burton defended his choice of Michael Keaton , he threw in the padded muscles because his reason was that he wanted BRUCE WAYNE to be an everyday man who the public wouldn't suspect is THE BATMAN.What a lame excuse. As if the suit could fool people that it was his actual physique.

Bruce Wayne became muscular and big because he dedicated his life to the spartan discipline of honing his body into a leathal fighting machine. And Burton's depiction of a bespectaled Bruce Wayne was more an accurate portrayal of CLARK KENT not the Dark Knight's alter ego.

Strangely enough among all the three actors who recently played BATMAN. It was Keaton I favored the most. Burton was right in saying that there's something menacing with KEATON's eyes when he's wearing the cowl.

Keaton should have just enrolled ina six month body building course under DAVE ( DARTH VADER ) PROWSE just like what CHRIS REEVE did when he prepared for SUPERMAN. but those were the days.

I remember a time when DE NIRO bulked up fifty pounds to play JAKE LAMOTTA for RAGING BULL and he lost it again to do the lean years.What a feat. Reeves when he was first tapped to play SUPERMAN was a thin and whimpy guy but after PROWSE was thru with him, he looked like THE MAN OF STEEL.

Then there was STALLONE beefing up for ROCKY III and then cutting up for RAMBO FIRST BLOOD IIIt was so effective in the box office that when STALLONE directed TRAVOLTA for STAYING ALiVE ( SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER 2 )he trained TONY MANERO to be cut and lean.

But now we dont see that discipline in action. You want to cast a nerd looking actor to be a superhero,NO PROBLEM. Just design the suit with lots of padding and an armoured look,THERE YOU GO.

I realy hate it when filmmakers reinvent the costumes of superheros. That was the main beef I had with DAREDEVIL.Putting that collar like he was a grovy discoteque king was a real cop out. Elecktra looked like a female wrestler.Everyone does black leather and armour nowadays. That's why I love this BATMAN suit.Its nostalgic.

I just hope that they make a film version of DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. And they better get ADAM WEST to play BATMAN.That would be something to see. Well if not him then CLINT EASTWOOD would do just fine.Then again how about CHARLTON HESTON. " PUT YOUR DAMN DIRTY PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN JOKER! "


TOMB RAIDER EYUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

Cecile dragged me to the new LARA CROFT MOVIE. I really protested to high heavens because I hate the director. JAN DE BONTis such a HACK! He is a second unit direcotr who's main specialty is blowing things up with four or five camera's running at 8 times their regular speed.

Cecile: " It would be great. Its going to be exciting."

FLIM: " He's a 2nd unit direcotr. His job is to shoot insert shoots of gun clips falling on the floor in slow-motion.How interesting could it be? Besides any idiot knows that the cradel of life is in AFRICA SO WHY DO THEY ACT SURPRISE TO DISCOVER THAT IT IS IN AFRICA? "

Cecile: " We'll wed get to see ANGELINA JOLIE and she's gorgeous."

I look at my wife for a minute.

FLIM: " I guess this is a girl thing. Why do you need me there anyway? "

15 minutes into the movie I was proven right. Tomb Raider as a game worked because it ws a parody of INDIANA JONES in a gaming platform. But as a movie , parodies dont have a long shelf life. And i hate the script. The expositionary dialogue can be written by a grade schooler.

On the way out I saw a movie display for THE LEAGUE OF EX- GENTLEMEN.

CECILE: " Well LARA CROFT was a bad movie but ANGELINA was pretty."

FLIM: " I just wasted 120 bucks on a stupid movie that I knew was going to be stupid. I should have just bought pirated dvds instead."

CECILE: " Well the League looks good."

FLIM: " Sorry to disappoint you but it looks even worst!They included TOM SAWYER who is an AMERICAN into the mix and also DORIAN GRAY who wasnt in the comic book in the first place. They should have just added WIFLRED OF IVANHOE and LORD GREYSTOKE. And look at the NAUTILUS. IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING MODERN DAY SUBMARINE from OPERATION PETTY COAT."

Cecile: " Yes it doesnt look victorian in design."

FLIM:" Have you seen their fight scenes. All of that Honk Kong wire trick stihck shit again. It really looks out of place."

A pretty worthless movie night out. I went home and slipped on FRIDA. I enjoyed the movie.Maybe because she's a tortured soul who isn't playing a tortured soul.

QUARTER GIVEN-IV

‘ I thought I was poisoned? “

The devil fondled his horn and looked at me pensively. “ Before you were poisoned. She offered your death to the Demon, TALOS. It seems that your girl friend is a black witch adept.”

“ What can I say? I sure know how to pick em.” Did I say that out loud?

I then stamped my foot and said, “ So what? How can I avenge myself and why the hell are you so interested in helping me out? “

The room suddenly folded itself and my living room transformed into a yawning cave hole. There was a giant arch with stone heads adorning it with the words…

“ ABANDON YE ALL HOPE…”

“ Don’t believe that crock of shit! It’s just to scare off nosey tourist and stupid bystanders! “

We entered the door way and saw what seemed like a thousand feet drop. There was a brilliant flashing light at the bottom and a noise that sounded like a hundred voices singing some high school rhyme.

“ This is home! “ The devil sighed and he grabbed my arm as we plunged into infinity!

At the bottom was a someone who seemed like a doorman. He was around d twelve feet tall.

“ Where’s your tickets? “ He grumbled.

I scratched my head. “ Wait a minute I thought that HELL was open to everyone.”

“ YOU THOUGHT WRONG, FREAK! Its invitational “ His tail slapped my face.

“ He’s with me.” The devil inclined his neck to the left.

The doorman inspected the horns of the devil.” This is just a temporary pass. You used it up the last time.”

“ Well I was kinda busy. I’ll have a new one engraved as soon as I can.”

He grudgingly let us in. I never expected in a million years to see what I saw when I entered HELL. It was like a giant disco party. Flashing lights and flames leaping out from below. The sweating bodies of men and women as they danced and gyrated to the sounds of a rhythm that came from the center of the earth. Food and drinks flowed in abundance. Waiters were everywhere flapping their wings as they swerve refreshment upon refreshment.

“ Shocking isn’t it? No one’s really prepared for what HELL is. I tell you if everyone knew then there would be no contest. Up there…” the devil pointed with his tail, “ They live a very docile existence. Slow clouds scratching green mountains with their lazy fingertips and all that shit. One of the main activities they have is watching flowers bloom. I’m not kidding. But down here…down here it’s always a HOT TIME! “

Of course it being hell I saw millions of demons of all shapes and sizes. Some had four or more horns. Others have horns that touch the ceiling of the cavern. While others are littered with horns all over their bodies. I ask my companion why certain demons have certain horns.

“ Ughh. Don’t mind that. It’s a CASTE system. The bigger the horn, the more powerful the rank. Certain horns are given access to places that normal demons can’t even enter.
It’s like a key. Well to be precise certain doors here in HELL can be opened with the horn itself. And despite what you read, the horns are detachable. It’s useful when you’re on a mission of subterfuge. But be wary. You lose the horns. You lose your ticket to going back.”


One of the waiters landed beside me and said, “ Do you want a Whiff of BRIMSTONE?”

I nodded and he bowed his head. The tip of his horn almost upon my nostril. I looked at my companion and he urged me on. I then held the tip and snorted. It was like a punch in the face and my brain reeled.

“ Nasty bite. “ The devil caught me by the arm and led me into the center well.

I don’t know what I took but it made my toes tingle and I felt I was walking on naked bodies of pregnant women. When I looked down, I realized that I was, indeed walking on the naked bodies of pregnant women.

“ By the way you can stop alluding to me as the devil. My real name is ASOMODAS. I’m a PIT LORD of the SEVENTH CIRCLE.” My companion whispered into my ear.

I didn’t make any sign of understanding what he said. I was too busy concentrating on the swelling bellies below me.

“ Don’t mind them. They are the SELF ABORTING MOTHERS! They get off on this kind of things. Now do you see that big cavern to the left of the sea of white vapors? That’s the INFERNAL records room. That’s our stop. I must retrieve your records and have them processed in the Well of despair. After that you’ll be given clearance to descended into the inner circle.”

I scratched my head, “ Meaning? “

Asomodas smiled, “ You’ll be given an audience to the house of INFERNAL LORDS where you make the deal.”

“ Is there going to be a long line? I hate long lines! “ I replied.

Asomodas just shook his head, “ Don’t we all.”

There was a small boat at the edge of the swelling belly landscape and an old man sat on the bow. He was nibbling on a piece of bone like a toothpick and as soon as he saw us he spat it out and wiped the grease from his hands.

“ You’re running low on recruits. If I were your employers I would have terminated your status and cast you back to being a lowly second class poltergeist.” He cackled.

Asomodas threw his head back, trying to impale the old man with one of his horns.

“ AW SHUT UP YOU FUCK! “ He then threw three pieces of gold coins into the old man’s foot and pointed towards the hall.

The old man smiled at me and started to push the staff that was immersed into the dark cold waters.

“ That’s Charon, the ferryman. Don’t mind him. He likes to verbally assault anyone within hearing distance. He hates me specially because I sunk his boat twenty five times in the past.” Asomodas whispered to me.

Charon grabbed his horns and slammed his knee into the demon’s face. “ By the way thanks for reminding me. That’s one I owe you!”

A scuffle started and within a few seconds the two combatants were tearing each other apart. The boat threatened to sink and I clutched the prow with both hands. I was afraid of drowning. That was what the fortuneteller told me I was going to die of. Much of my adult life was spent on dry land. Funny how everything turned out.

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY HORNS! YOU’LL TIP US OVER! “

“ I CAN SWIM SONNY BOY, HOW ABOUT YOU? ““

I HATE WATER! I HATE IT! “

“ I KNOW! “

I injected myself in between them, “ Stop it, both of you! We’re nearly there. What’s this really all about?”

Charon and Asomodos just looked at me. There was a momentary silence and then..they were both at it again. Soon we keeled over. I mean the entire boat keeled over. I never felt the kind of coldness that surrounded me as I hit the waters.

QUARTER GIVEN-III

He started to talk but my mind drifted away. Nina poisoned me! I was dead! I WAS GOING TO HELL!
I was poisoned by somebody I thought, loved me. I’m dead but I still feel alive. I’m going to hell so I must have lived a horrible life. But I DIDN’T! I gave alms to the poor! Every Sunday on my way to Church I gave to this old lady with the broken arm with the dented milk can! I gave a lot when the donation hat was passed hand-to-hand thru the aisles.I went to SUNDAY MASS! EVERY SUNDAY! I EVEN WENT ON DAYS THAT WEREN’T SUNDAY! I OBSERVED THE BLESSED SACRAMENTS AND ALL THOSE OTHER SPECIAL DAYS! I even walked around like an idiot for a day with that stupid ash mark on my head every ASH WEDNESDAY just to ensure that I’d go to that Beautiful white CASTLE in the air! AND NOW I GET THIS!

I should have just stayed at home and watched TV instead of sweating and standing in those overcrowded services where priests would talk about things that they only read in books! I should have fucked other women when Nina wasn’t available! Should have committed adultery and every sin that I could have indulged in at the time!

LIFE IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR! EVEN IN DEATH!

Then my thoughts went to NINA. Our relationship wasn’t going very well for the past six weeks. There were fights over small things. What channel to watch? What to eat? What to wear on her friend’s parties? I can’t even have a normal conversation with her because somewhere along the line, we’d argue over something and then it would be a full-scale war! So I avoided talking to her. I’d just lock myself in the library and read and read. Can’t watch TV that’s her territory, the living room. So an invisible demarcation line was drawn. Did it ensure peace? NO! We still slept in the same bed. Now that was another battleground!

“ We don’t talk anymore? “ She’d say in between puffs of smoke.

I’d pretend that I was asleep. But she’d blow it in my face.

“ I ‘m just avoiding arguments. I don’t want to argue with you.” I’d mumbled.

“ How can we communicate when we don’t talk? “

“ Can you please not smoke in bed. I have asmath and it bothers me when you smoke in bed.” I replied.

“ I smoke when I’m stressed out.”

“ NO! You smoke because you love smoking. You smoke before breakfast. You smoke during breakfast. You even smoke while YOU’RE CHEWING! “

I slammed the pillow as I clicked the light open.

“ YOU KNEW I SMOKED EVEN BEFORE YOU FIRST FUCKED ME! SO DON’T GET ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY WITH ME!” She flicked the stick and reached for the pack.

“ BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU SMOKED EVEN WHEN YOU SLEPT!” I tried to control my anger but once the beast was loose…. it was loose!

I stood up and shook my head.

“ Do you know how it’s like to kiss someone who smoked as much as you do? I can even taste what kind of cigarettes you had. On Mondays you have that menthol after taste. Which isn’t so bad because I like mint but when you smoke the. …It’s like French kissing a muffler! THAT’S WHY I NO LONGER KISS YOU! “

Her eyes flared up. Its ok if I criticized her cooking because she knows she’s not good at it. It’s all right with her if I don’t like the books she reads because it is common knowledge she loves JERRY KOZINSKI. BUT never ever talk about her smoking habits! That’s the big SIN!

“ Its easy to hide behind a cigarette when you’re dick’s as big! You don’t kiss me anymore because you don’t feel like it. Not because of this smoking crap! I remember days when ‘we’d do it for hours and I’d smoke in between and it doesn’t stop you from clamping your tongue into mine! YOU DON’T KISS ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GET IT UP! “ She lit another one and smiled like a cat.

Of course that wasn’t true. I was horny as ever. It’s just that I just…can’t with her. Just the sight of her makes me… I don’t know. I slept inside the library that night. With WAR AND PEACE as my pillow.

Should have known that something was a foot when she cooked me breakfast. Or was it dinner? She was all smiles and asking for forgiveness. I thought everything was dead and buried as I gobbled up the salmon. How many people had salmon for breakfast? That should have tipped me off as well.

I was shooked out of my reverie by a shove. The devil pointed towards the kitchen and said. “ She did the ritual over there.”

“ RITUAL? What RITUAL? “

“ THE RITUAL OF TALOS.” He snorted.

I was about to ask why when he brutally cut me off.

“ Its an old trick that the priests of KNOSSOS used to to do during the year of POSEIDON. I don’t want to go into that. It’s kind of sick if you ask me. Involves all kind of ritualistic bullshit. From disemboweling to summonings and spitting into coffee mugs.”

‘ I thought I was poisoned? “

QUARTER GIVEN PART II

“ POISONED? I WAS POISONED? WHO POISONED ME? WHO? “ I started screaming again.


“ He’s dumb too! One thing about my luck, it’s always consistent. Got myself another mindless biblical offender. I always get those. But not GAMOTH. No,no,no! He gets the superior intellect variety! The “ those who can change the world’ types! Of course he gets incredible deals and pacts and offerings!”
She looks at me and swings her tail with her left hand.

“ But not me. I always get the losers. I’m definitely cursed!”

“ Who poisoned me?” I pleaded.

“ I’ll give you a hint. It’s a female! “

I sat down and primed my brain for immediate memory recall. I live with three women. My grandmother wouldn’t do it. I mean she’s my…grandmother. Grandmothers are not supposed to poison their grandchildren would they? If she wanted to poison me. She would have done it when I strangled her pet cat in grade seven. No it can’t be my grandmother.
How about our maid, ELSIE. She has access to the food and I do comment how bad her pork chops are when their deep fired. You can’t eat it after fifteen minutes. Becomes harder than an old pair of shoes. Almost impossible to cut with a knife, the following day so you can imagine what the left overs would look like.

Yes it could be the maid.

“ It’s the fucking Maid! SHE DID IT! “

The devil blew a lazy wisp of black smoke towards me.

‘ IT was NINA!”

“ No.”

“ NINA!”

“ No. “

“ NINA!”

“ NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

“ NINA NINA NINA NINA NINA NINA NINA!!!!! “ He was jumping and dancing to an unknown song as he jubilantly proclaimed to the bookcase the name of my slayer!

Not Nina.The love of my life. The girl who made my groin aches by just smiling sideways in my history class. Not Nina with the bosoms that heave and sigh when she rode my ram rod of infinity, shriveling it to a mere foot note after five minutes and thirty six seconds flat! Not Nina my…. my…

“ Yes it was your stupid live- in slut. Serves you right for not going down on her when she begged you to. Can’t understand you MEN-FUCKS. You want women to go down on you but you don’t even give them the common courtesy of a reach a…”

“ Please stop! I don’t want to here anymore. I just …let me just…”

I walked behind the sofa and stumbled on something.

‘ OH MY. …AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! “

It was my dead body. Arms contorted and the face… my dead face, locked in a stupid grin.

The devil put his arm around me and looked at the corpse.“ Eckkkk. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. Can you imagine the funeral? How can your relative have an open casket with that expression?” He slapped me on the shoulders.

I turned away and grabbed a pillow and covered the head. I then ran to the kitchen and opened the fawcet. I tried to vomit but the only thing that came out from me was a low moan.

“ Dead people don’t get nauseated. You can go thru the motions but why waste your slowly ebbing life essence. If I were you, I’d be busy collecting pasbacs. You don’t have much time left.”

I slapped some cold water on me and wait a minute! If I was dead. How come I can wet my face and fall down on my corpse? Does that mean that I can still move physical objects as well? If that may be then I could…yes! I could seek VENGEANCE!!!!!!

“ FUCK THE PASBAC! I want revenge! REVENGE YOU HEAR ME? COLD BLOODED REVENGE!!!!! “ I waived and flailed my arms. Striking the empty air with my fury laded punches.

“ Now you’re getting to be interesting.” He nodded. The devil then took out a match and struck it across his halfway protruding horns.

“ Excuse the bad habit but I’m running out of BRIMSTONE juice in account to maintaining this feeble form.”

“ Why don’t you assume your real body? No point in disguising it. I‘ve seen worse like that thing behind the couch.” I replied.

“ WELL SAID!” he shouted and there was a large explosion and the whiff of gunpowder.

This time he had three heads and all of them wore horns. “ So what are PASBACS? I’m going to tell you and you’re going to love this! “