OF BIRTHDAY PARTIES ,BAD DOOR KNOBS, BAD BABY, BAD MOTORCYCLE, BAD BATTERIES AND SPECIALLY BAD COPS!

Yesterday was truly horrific.
Woke up feeling kind of off tangent. It’s pretty hard to describe. Its like…uhm…how do I say this? Like something is ….uhm off. It started with my accidentally locking off the cave with both sets of key inside. Had to wait for the locksmith for two hours. During the interim Selina dropped my phone and gave the nokia a nasty crack on the upper left corner. So much for the original casing. Locksmith takes forty minutes to have the door opened. I then thought about what would happen next. I mean they say BAD LUCK COMES IN 3'S right? So Now I waited for the other shoe to drop. What would happen next?

Then it was off to the showers.Vinny's birthday bash starts around 6 or something but he said that people can hang out in LINDEN SUITES where the festivities were taking place.I better have a head start before the traffic becomes bad.Packed the FAWLTY TOWERS DVD AND VATEL into my backpack since BIRTHDAY BOY requested that.

VINNIE: " Bring FAWLTY TOWERS and the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW."

I gunned the MOTORCYCLE. Right then and there I had this odd felling that there was something not quite right with the bike. It didn’t come to life as it usually did. There was a slight half croak to the sound of the engine. But when I revved it, it assumes its normal idling power.

So I was off to LINDEN suites. Along the way I was constantly reminded why I don’t ride the bike after 8 in the morning. The traffic situation is totally horrendous! Left the house at around 3:00 and arrived at the suite at 3:45. The guard at the parking space asked for my license number and such so that I can get afree-parking thingie.

I had to shut down the bike as I got my papers from within the seat. Imagine my surprise when the bike refused to start. But then again I was waiting for the third piece of bad luck to fall into place. NOW MY BAD LUCK IS COMPLETE. IM STUCK INSIDE THE PARKING SPACE WITH DESCENDING RAMPARTS.

Could it be the batteries? But I JUST BOUGHT A NEW ONE DAMN IT! HOW THE FUCK CAN THIS HAPPEN? Which is pretty stupid of me to ask since BAD LUCK HAS No known explanation! It simply is! One of those magical moments where logic is defied and youre just confronted with the indisputable presence of a dead battery.

I parked the bike and just went up the 26th floor. Amazingly I didn’t panic or " hit my head against the wall or flung the helmet against a nearby car " mode. I was like totally resigned to have a really bad day and from that I achieved a certain kind of peace like … A ONENESS WITH THE UNIVERSE ...OF SCREW UPS!

Gig fetched me from the lobby since she has the access key to the room and the elevator.

We got inside the room, which Vinnie rented, for his birthday bash and it was great. It was big with two rooms and one bathroom Stuck in the middle. In such an opulent surrounding, I regaled her with my incredible day. Told her about the theory that bad luck came in 3s.

At one point she told me I was lucky and related IN LAW stories that were pretty shocking like the theft of poultry products within refrigerator premises.

Tried calling my mechanic but he was off in a meeting. Gig found this amusing. Told her that he has annual visits to Germany and Japan for tire conferences and such.

Seems that my bad luck aint letting up. And the chances of me finding a mechanic to help me are growing nil by the hour. Soon other guests were popping up. Carl, Camile and Dean. Jason came in with the DVD player under his arms. Unfortunately he forgot to bring the remote control so that means we can’t’ access chapters and such.

The birthday boy wanted to watch one episode of FAWLTY TOWERS. Since we don’t have the remote I was forced to play it chronologically and we watched the GOURMET NIGHT EPISODE, which I don’t consider really that good. After that everyone was hungry and went to the dinner table there by missing one of the best episodes of the series, which was THE GERMANS that came on next.

Food was great. Especially the BIG BOWL FISH NOODLE something. We talked about chickens and found out that DEAN was a KENTUCKY GRAVY ADDICT TOO.I love gravy. In college I used to order a hot cup of gravy. And would drink it like coffee drinkers do. Sadly not all KENTUCKY OUTLETS gravy tastes the same. The mega mall outlet serves the worst gravy concoction. The best is of course located under the Nagtahan Bridge.

Aside from the great food the topics of conversation was interesting. But I expect nothing less from these guys. Then I received a call from Mike a fellow biker who was good with bike mechanics and informed me that he was free now and this was the only available time that he can help.

AS much as I was having fun I had to excuse myself and get the bike fixed so I would be able to go home that night.

Borrowed Gig's cell phone to keep in touch with Mike because I was out of load already from teh numerous people I texted concerning the dead battery.

Met up with Mike inside the parking lot and he jumpstarted the bike with his car battery. It started idling.

MIKE: " Just what I thought.Its your battery."

FLIM: " But I just bought this battery a few months ago. How the..."

He then tells me to take it home so that I can have the mechanic look at it the following morning.

FLIM: “ But I’m in a party upstairs and…I just cant leave.”

MIKE: “ The bikes working now and we dont know for how long. But once you turn it off its not going to start again.YOU'LL GET STUCK HERE and youd have to find a pick up truck to haul it out of the basement! So you better take it home. The battery doesn’t charge so much.”

I thanked Mike for helping me out. H e told me that if there was any more problems that I can call him. What a great guy.

So I drove up the exit ramp and left the bike running in the front desk. My plan was this. To move the bike to my sister in laws place and then walk back to LINDEN.

I called up Jason from the party and asked a favor if he could bring down the helmet cause I cant leave the bike running. Someone could just drive off with it. Then the guard told me to move it because a car was coming up front. As I was moving the bike it went DEAD AGAIN! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

So I called up Mike and asked his help again.

He told me to wait for him. Jason comes down and I gave him Gig’s phone to return to her and tell her thanks. Told him to go up because Camille might be looking for him. But he said that he’d wait a while with me. Very nice of him. We started brainstorming for the visual motif of the docu we were planning. Interesting angles and concepts came out from waiting for Mike.

Jason then goes back to the party. Mike arrives with a pretty girl. This guy is a real oriental James bond. He pops up the car battery and then brings the dead bike back to life for the third time.

MIKE: “ REMEMBER DON’T USE THE HEADLIGHTS WHEN YOU ARE MOVING. IT DEPLETES THE BATTERY’S ENERGY!”

FLIM: “ AS IN RIDE IN SILENT RUNNING? ITS LIKE A DEATH RUNS! WHAT THE FUCK!”

I thank him again. And I put on the helmet then Im off. Suddenly the phone rings. Its one Of the other bikers I knew and called earlier. He tells me to bring the bike over his place so we can charge it up. He also tells me to use a long route so that the bike’s battery would be charged a little.

So I ride around instead of going straight. Everything was ok. I thought that maybe it ends now the streak of bad luck. What a day! Suddenly near the crossway I spy Four policemen. They flag me down.

AWW FUCK ITS THE HEADLIGHTS! NOT NOW! NOT NOW!

POLICEMAN: “ License and registration papers.”

FLIM: “ What did I do? “

So now Its proven that bad luck doesnt come in 3's . They can even extend beyond that.

POLICEMAN: “ Your sticker is marked 2001.”

FLIM: “ But how the fuck would you see that when you stopped me when I was upfront.”

I guess they saw me with my headlights off. And now the specter of a shakedown began to loom over me. Just great. Every time I see a cop it’s always a shakedown. I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN HONEST POLICEMAN IN MY LIFE!A vehicle with a late registration should just get a penalty fee when you renew it. But as I a said Policemen out for extortion money would stop you becuase of the colour of your vehicle clashed with their plebian sensibilties.

FLIM: “ LOOK I CAN’T TURN THE BIKE OFF. ONCE I SHUT IT DOWN IT WONT WORK AGAIN. MY BATTERY IS DEAD. AND MY PAPERS ARE INSIDE AND FOR ME TO GET THE PAPERS I HAVE TO SHUT IT DOWN BECAUSE THE KEY I USE FOR THE IGNITION IS THE KEY I USE FOR THE SEAT…”

Legally these bastards have no right to stop you if you had done nothing wrong.

POLICEMAN: “ License and registration, now! “

IT is said that when a crocodile has set its eyes on a prey it won’t be dissuaded easily. And every time I meet up with policeman the term that drivers use for them, ‘ BUWAYA” which is crocodile in slang comes to mind. And what an apt description it is.

So I shut down the bike and gave them my papers. They took me inside the precinct and started their terror tactics. Which starts of like this.

POLICEMAN: “ Your license is expired. Your vehicle’s registration is expired. You know we could impound your vehicle for that? Then you’d have to pay blahblah blahblah!”

To a novice driver this would certainly scare them into forking up the bribe money, which these bastards are obviously gunning for. But I have been a veteran of five shakedowns and know the score. According to FLIM PRINCIPLES OF HOW TO HANDLE CASES OF HIGHWAY EXTORTION.The following rules should be observed.

RULE1. Make this CORRUPT BASTARDS FEEL important by saying ” SIR!” a lot.
Makes their small dicks feel two inches longer.

FLIM: “ Sir …you have to forgive me for the….

RULE 2. ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE DESPITE THE FACT YOU DIDN’T MAKE ANY. ARGUING WITH THEM CAN COST YOU MORE OR GET YOU INTO DEEPER TROUBLE! THESE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS! THEY ARE PREDATORS! LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE ARE NOT PART OF THEIR THINKING PROCESS. Crocodile brains do not evolve.

POLICEMAN: “ So how much would you pay us for letting you go? “

FLIM: “ I ONLY HAVE A HUNDRED BUCKS WITH ME.”

RULE 3. Never admit you have more. THEY’LL TAKE IT ALL!

POLICEMAN: “ That’s too little. We wont accept that. WE CAN THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR THAT AMOUNT! “

FLIM: “ Give me a break.I dont have much with me .”

RULE 4 Don’t give in quickly. MAKE THEM WORK HARD FOR THE BRIBE MONEY! MAKE THESE BASTARDS EARN IT!

POLICEMAN: “ I think you have a lot of money in there. You can’t afford a bike like that if you were poor.”

FLIM: “ Actually it was given to me as part of an inheritance by my GRANDFATHER. He used to ride everyday and now that He is sick he just gave it to me.”

POLICEMAN: “ Sick of what.”

RULE 5. Talk a lot and drown them with as much useless information that you can pound in them.Their brains cannot handle too much data and hopefully they'd suffer a short circuit and drop dead of an anuresim!

FLIM: “ Dislocated his shoulder when he bench pressed 300 pounds.”

POLICEMAN: “ Your grandfather is strong.”

FLIM: “ I have to go home and feed him his steroid shots. So can you please just? Accept my 100 pesos and I promise to bring you tickets to my next film.”

POLICEMAN: “ Why what do you do? “

But then again if there's not much to start with then...you'd just be throwing pebbles in a bottomless pit.

FLIM: “ I'm a theater owner.”

POLICEMAN: “ I can act you know.”

FLIM: “ Well then you should be an actor.”

POLICEMAN: “ I CANT LET YOU GO FOR 100 PESOS. ADD MORE.”

His resistance is almost down. What the hell I’ll add two more. I don’t want to spend the rest of the night arguing about this shit.

FLIM: “ 300 hundred? “

POLICEMAN: “ OK. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.”

FLIM:” I don’t have change with me. Can you give me the 200 if I give you this 500.”

I JUST BROKE RULE 3!

POLICEMAN: “OK. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.”

RULE6. Always carry a lot of spare change with you.So that when you get extorted by corrupt policemen you can give them the exact amount.Otherwise.....

I forked it over. And then he walks out. Another policeman walks in and gives me back my papers

FLIM: ” WHERE’S MY CHANGE? “

POLICEMAN: “ I don’t know .It’s with him! “ He points to the tall guy who earlier got my money. Who I assumed to be the duty officer since he is the one sitting on the desk.

I walked over and demand my change.

FLIM: “ Where’s my change.”

The tall policeman then gives the money to this other policeman who tells me to step back inside.

He sits down and begins to write something.

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ So WHERE’S THE OTHER 500 PESOS?”

FLIM: “ What other 500 pesos? “

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ I WANT 1,000 PESOS! “

FLIM: “ The tall guy said that 300 is ok so I want my change.”

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: ‘ THAT’S HIS CUT! WHAT ABOUT MINE? “

RULE7. When dealing with multiple corrupt policemen always try to gather them in one place. Saves you a lot of time and saliva argueing. And spare yourself the old GOOD COP I 'LL SETTLE FOR 300 AND THE BAD COP " I WANT MORE" ROUTINE

FLIM: “ Well split the 300! “

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ Oh that wont do. I want 500 too!”

FLIM: “ Well Im not giving 500! I agreed with 300 and 300 is all you are going to get! I have no qualms about you extorting money. But don’t Welch on the sum.I WANT MY 200 PESOS BACK! MY WIFE WOULD KILL ME! “

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ OK. I’LL SETLLE FOR 250. SO YOU JUST LEAVE YOUR 500 AND GO.”

FLIM: “ I m not going unless I have my 200 with me.”

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ Well IM GOING TO LOCK YOU UP IN JAIL THEN.”

FLIM: ‘ FINE. SO GIVE ME BACK MY 500 PESOS! SO NO MONEY FOR YOU!”

He starts thinking. He looks at me and taps his pen on the desk.

TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP.

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN:” Ok. I’ll give you back 100.ok? “

FLIM: “ The deal was 300 pesos. Why can’t you honor that.”?

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: ”400 pesos! You don’t seem to realize that we could impound your vehicle and you’ll have to pay 5,000 pesos.”

FLIM: “ Give me back my 200 pesos.”

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ 400 pesos. Here’s your change.”

Hands me 5 dilapidated 20s. Must have come from an earlier extortion. I can sit up all night arguing with this idiot but I don’t have the time. If it was a normal day then I would milk this for what its worth.

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN: “ IM NOT GIVING YOU BACK YOUR 400 SO JUST CONTENT YOURSELF WITH THIS.”

I stood up and got the money.This is going to take up all night.I should have just taken the cab instead of the bike!

FLIM: “ I agree. With one condition. YOU PUSH! “

Short fat policeman is holding the back of my bike.

FLIM: “ So run as fast as you can then I trottel the engine.

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN:” I don’t think I should do this. What would people say.”?

Working for your money you corrupt cop!

FLIM: " This wouldnt have happened if you just demanded your extortion money instead of asking for my registration papers.

SHORT FAT POLICEMAN:” I’ll just ask one of the tricycle drivers to do it. I have reputation to protect.

OH INDEED.

As I was pushed and the bike started to run I passed them by they were flagging another motorist for some traffic violation they would trump up later. . I made a mental note never to pass there again. That's CROCODILE POINT. Where you drive by your own peril.

END OF PART 1